Violate
by BobSince1934
Summary: Sara attempts to help Tegan wrestle with her sexuality, but ends up making things much worse. Will they be able to repair their relationship?
1. Chapter 1

Tegan punched the wall of her room leaving a noticeable dent. Her mother would yell at her later on its discovery, but this was the last thing she was worried about. She was mad - pissed - , and she didn't know whether the anger was directed at Sara or herself. Who knew three simple words could make Tegan so mad, change her world so much, and make her question everything she knew.

"Tegan, I'm gay." Sara's words replayed in her mind like a CD stuck on repeat. There was no denying her sister's sexuality now. She had known for a while, but was unwilling to accept it. If her twin was gay, what did that say about her? That didn't mean she was gay too did it? She could be straight and have a gay sister, right? It was completely possible. There were a ton of siblings in this predicament.

Too bad that wasn't the case this time. No matter how hard she tried, there was no denying that Tegan herself was gay too, not that she was ready to admit that. She'd hang on to every last string of hope she could praying that this was just her new teenage hormones kicking in. If she was gay, why didn't she accept it as easily as Sara had? But truth be told, Tegan wasn't sure if Sara had accepted it easily. This was their first time talking about this subject, and Tegan had walked out on it almost as soon as it had started. She had no way of knowing whether or not her sister had struggled with the same thoughts she did.

Alerted from her thoughts by a light knock on the door, Tegan stopped pacing long enough to answer it. She already knew that it was Sara, eager to finish their conversation. She wouldn't have answered it if their mother hadn't been in the house, asleep downstairs. The last thing she wanted was for her and Sara to get into an argument and wake up their mother, bringing her into the whole thing. She opened the door and found what seemed more like her shadow than Sara in the dark, unlit hallway. Tegan watched as the silhouette seemed to separate from her own being and move into the room without Tegan's permission.

The moonlight hazily drifting into the room from the uncovered window was the only light the two had, yet Tegan could see that Sara was visibly upset, and on the verge of tears.

"Do you hate me, Tegan?" It came out as more of a whimper than a question

Honestly, right now, in this exact moment, Tegan did hate Sara. She hated her for everything she represented; everything she was afraid to be. "No," she answered stiffly, faded anger still present in her voice.

Sara inched forward her arms outstretched. She'd heard that they used machines to squeeze cows before they were slaughtered to calm them down. Maybe a hug would work the same way with Tegan. "I'm sorry, Tee."

The embrace did nothing but anger Tegan more. the thought of the very person she was trying to get away from sharing such an intimate moment with her upset Tegan. But no matter how much she didn't like it, she was unable to tell Sara that, but the hug was more than Tegan could bear. She pushed Sara off of her, but cushioned the blow with her words. "You don't have anything to be sorry about. It's not your fault."

Sara sat on Tegan's bed, her knees tucked into her chest so to keep her hands to herself, avoiding offending Tegan any more.

Tegan took another shot at the wall, but with less energy this time. Sara flinched.

She had trusted Tegan with her secret for a reason. She hadn't expected Tegan to get this upset. She figured Tegan was the one person she could tell without being judged. She didn't understand why Tegan would act like this.

Sara placed her head on her knees and began crying. All of this was just too overwhelming for her.

Tegan slumped against the wall opposite her bed. She was pushed over the edge by her sister's sobs. Tears began welling in her eyes. It wasn't long before they were pushed over the edge and began to run down her cheeks. She was licking the salty taste off her lips when Sara finally said something.

"Why are you so mad, Tegan?" Her voice was squeaky and more higher pitched than usual.

"I'm not mad! I just . . . " She didn't know what it was . She didn't know why her heart always skipped a beat when she saw her best friend, Laura, or how she always felt a pang of jealousy when she saw Sara with Laura doing something as innocent as walking down the hall together, laughing. "How did you know?" she managed to ask at last.

Sara lifted her had to look at Tegan, her eyes were glassy and wet. "I don't know. I just did." She waited a moment before she asked, "Why?"

Tegan shrugged. She wasn't ready to discuss what was going on in her head. She wasn't sure if she knew what was going on herself.

"Do you want to know why I told you?"

Tegan sniffled and wiped her tears away with her sleeve. "'Cause I'm your sister?"

Sara got off the bed and sat down next to Tegan in the same position she had sat on the bed. "Yes. That's part of it. But there's another reason."

Tegan tilted her head towards Sara, once again aware of the closeness between the two. Their knees were touching, but it wasn't as bad as the hug had been, and at this point, Tegan didn't have enough energy to get mad. So she let Sara look her straight in the eye and whisper Tegan's worst fears to her. "I thought you were gay too."

More tears came out of their hiding spot inside Tegan's tear ducts. She quietly looked away, but Sara grabbed her face and turned Tegan back towards her. "Are you?" She asked.

"I don't know," was all Tegan could say.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I don't know! I'm not sure, okay!" Neither could speak for a moment, but both were startled by Tegan's sudden outburst. When Tegan spoke again it was in a whisper. One more bout of anger would surely wake their mother. "I don't want to be. But I think I like Laura."

"Is it just Laura, or are there others?"

Tegan's mind wandered back to all the times she found women attractive. It seemed spontaneous like a muscle cramp. She could be doing anything with the attraction struck. "No. There are others."

Sara hoped that upon this realization it would help Tegan to realize what she actually was.

"How did you find out. Like, for sure. How did you finally know?"

"Do you really want to know?" Tegan nodded. "I had sex with Raye."

"You had sex with sensei?" Raye was their karate instructor. Tegan chuckled. "I didn't know you liked her."

"I don't."

"Then why would you have sex with her?"

"The opportunity came along. She kept hitting on me, and I figured if I'm going to do this, now's as good a time as any to find out if I like it."

"And . . .," Tegan prodded.

"And I did."

Tegan thought for a moment. Did she actually want to have sex with someone she didn't like or even know all that well just to find out whether or not she was really gay? No, she didn't. That might have worked for Sara, but she didn't want her first time to be with just anybody. "I don't want to do that with some random girl. I'd rather it be someone I know. Someone I can trust."

"Who did you have in mind?"

"I don't know. You _just _gave me this idea."

"Well . . . you trust me, right?"

"Yes. . ." Where was Sara going with this?

"Well, why don't you try it out with me?"

Tegan was shocked She couldn't believe what Sara was suggesting, and she could think of many perfectly good reasons not to. "Because you're my sister!"

"Who else do you plan to find?"

She had a point. Tegan couldn't think of a better person to try this with. Sara was promising that she wouldn't get creeped out afterwards. No one would have to know. Sara was the one person who Tegan could guaranteed wouldn't say anything about the experience to anyone else. It was practically the perfect plan. But still, they were sisters. It was weird. Who would have sex with their sister? It didn't matter what the circumstances were.

"Come on, Tee. What have you got to lose?"

"I don't know about this?"

"It'll be fine."

"Sara, I don't -" Before Tegan could finish her protest, Sara's lips smacked against her own. It wasn't an unpleasant kiss, but Tegan was still on the fence about going through with this. She felt nothing but relief as Sara's lips separated from her own in order to grab her hand, help her up, and lead her over to the bed.

They kissed again, more roughly this time. Sara's tongue flicked over Tegan's bottom lip asking for entrance. Tegan saw no option but to give into her sister. She opened her mouth a fraction of an inch and Sara immediately took advantage of it, practically shoving her way into Tegan's mouth and encircling Tegan's tongue with her own. Even Tegan had to admit that the kiss wasn't bad. Sara definitely knew what she was doing.

Sara spent more time kissing Tegan than she would've if Tegan had been more willing in the first place. Stopping now would just seem awkward. IT would make the situation lose its purpose. She was afraid it would leave them memories of the time they "just made out with each other for no reason". There would be no deliberation behind it. She had to kiss Tegan to make sure she felt more comfortable and secure. She needed to know that Tegan wasn't going to walk away.

However, foreplay was out fo the question. This wasn't meant to be a loving, sexual experience. It was an experiment. Nothing more. So Sara didn't bother to kiss Tegan's neck, or nibble on her ear, or place butterfly kisses down her navel. She went straight to unbuttoning Tegan's pants with her free hand. The other was holding onto her sister's neck, keeping their faces attached.

Tegan helped kick off her pants, scooting them farther up on the bed in the process. Sara's hand remained in the vicinity of Tegan's nether regions. She palmed her momentarily through her underwear, feeling the dampness already there. She grabbed the underside of Tegan's thighs and used her biceps to pull her to the edge of the bed. She slipped off the soiled underwear, revealing the small patch of hair between Tegan's legs. Sara ran a finger down the length of Tegan's slit. She briefly passed Tegan's clit before dipping lower and effortlessly sliding a finger in despite her tightness. A light moan escaped Tegan's lips.

Sara looked up. Her sister had her eyes closed and her head tilted back. Perhaps Tegan would enjoy this after all.

She pumped her finger in and out of Tegan. Slowly a couple of times before retracting it completely. Tegan whimpered a little from the sudden lack of friction, but was quickly rewarded with Sara's expert tongue circling her clit. The swollen button twitched slightly beneath her tongue. Sensing her over stimulation, Sara moved her tongue lower, slipping it between Tegan's warm, wet walls.

Tegan tried her best to hold back her moans. She reminded herself that their mother was in the house fast asleep in bed with their step dad. They didn't need to know what was going on in here. She opened her eyes for the first time since all of this started. She decided to look under the door. She was searching for dark shadows moving across the crack beneath the door. There, of course, was nothing there. It was Tegan's paranoia. They had nothing to worry about.

Tegan propped herself up on her elbows closing her eyes again, enjoying the feeling of her sister's tongue between her legs. When she opened them again she was staring straight into the full length mirror on her closet door. Strange how the room was pitch black and yet she could see herself reflected in the thin strip of glass. And what a sight she was. She was sitting there, her eyes glassed over with lust, legs spread wide open with her sister's blond, spiky, hair-covered head between her legs. It disgusted her. She disgusted herself. Who gets off on their sister like that? Another tear trickled down her cheek as she came against the will of her mind.

Sara wiped her face off on the white cotton sheets before making her way back up to Tegan's face. She leaned in for one final kiss, but Tegan turned her head. She kissed Tegan's cheek instead. Tegan still flinched.

They sat there for a moment. Tegan still half naked, her head turned away from her sister, deep in thought. Sara just watched Tegan, her eyes burning holes in the back of her head. She was the one to break the silence. It was slowly killing her inside. "So, what'd you think?" There was no reaction from Tegan whatsoever. "Come on. You're not even going to look at me?" Tegan twisted her head slightly, once again bringing her eyes to Sara's. Sara tried to ignore all of the regret and guilt and hate reflected in the brown pools. "So, are you gay?"

"Yes." Tegan was able to say it this time without hesitation.

"Are you mad?"

"I'm not mad," She insisted again, but anger laced her voice.

"Are you upset?" Sara sure was. This wasn't the reaction she had wanted from her sister.

"More like disgusted." Tegan pushed Sara off her with all the force she had. Sara toppled to the floor landing on her back with a loud thud. Tegan pushed herself off the bed and grabbed her pants off the floor, completely ignoring her abandoned underwear.

Sara hadn't anticipated any of this. This had been meant to help Tegan, not make things worse. She had meant no harm. She found herself crying involuntarily.

fTegan had put her pants back on and stumbled to the door whilst fumbling with the button of her pants with one hand.

"Wait!"

Tegan stopped in her tracks.

"Do you forgive me?"

"No." She made sure to shut the door on her way out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Violate**

**Chapter 2**

Tegan sat hugging her suitcase ot her chest, tapping her foot against the cold, grimy floor of the bus. She had pushed her way to the back of the bus once Sara had sat on an empty bench in the middle. Sara had had plenty of opportunities to sit down before then; the bus was full of double benches and many of them had only one seat filled. She could've sat next to anyone, the lady with the shopping bags, the man carrying a briefcase, or the lone construction worker. They all seemed nice enough, and she doubted any of them would've minded if she had sat down next to them. Who knows, maybe they had been lonely and would've been happy to have someone to talk to. But she passed up the chance to get to know these kind strangers so she could sit on a bench with her sister who apparently wanted nothing to do with her, deciding to sit as far away from Sara as possible, leaving Sara seated alone too.

Tegan held onto that suitcase like a life raft as a wave of people boarded the bus and settled into their own seats. Sara could only guess the contents of that suitcase. Surely it was just clothes, the only thing they ever packed on trips to their father's apartment, but Sara didn't know why Tegan had brought the gigantic suitcase their dad had given each of them as a birthday present when they were ten years old. A small duffel bag had more than enough room for all of Sara's belongings. Was Tegan trying to please their father by showing him she actually used his useless gifts, unlike his younger daughter, or was there really another reason she would bother carrying it?

It was only about a twenty minute commute, but it was probably the worst twenty minutes of Sara's life. What is there really to do n a bus ride except to space out and think, and thinking was the last thing Sara Quin wanted to do right now. The only thing on her mind was the previous night. Every time she closed her eyes she could see her sister clearly, eyes red and teary, her body language screaming anger and regret. At this point Sara could feel nothing but guilt. She just hoped they would clear some things up this weekend. If this was going to be settled it was more likely to happen at their dad's where they were given more privacy and shared a room.

Their stop was about a block away from their father's apartment, and Tegan seemed to be in no rush to get there. She walked as slow as her body would allow her, keeping at least ten paces behind Sara the entire time. Sara knew she was doing it on purpose, and this killed her a little inside. All she wanted to do was stop for a moment and wait on Tegan to catch up to her so they could walk together and talk like they normally did, but she knew that if she stopped, Tegan would too. She debated walking backwards towards Tegan, but Sara knew that Tegan would mirror her. So they walked in this awkward way, silently encroaching on their destination in the foggy midmorning.

Despite the day's already depressing tone, they were still warmly welcomed by their father, happy to see his children for two days every week, thankful he even got to see them that much. Even Tegan couldn't help but smile a little when he wrapped his arms around her in a hug.

"So what did you guys do this week?"

"Nothing," Tegan choked out before Sara could respond, though she had planned to say the exact same thing.

"Well, maybe you'll have more fun this weekend," he hoped, always the optimist.

Tegan, of course, was the pessimist of the family. "Probably not." She grabbed her suitcase and headed upstairs to her room, their room, and this gave Sara every excuse to follow her. When Sara got to their room she found Tegan in her favorite spot, the window seat. She was digging through her suitcase, looking for her most prized posession, her notebook. She pulled the pencil out of its spine, leafed through it to an open page, and quickly began jotting something down.

Sara knew better than to disturb her sister during her song writing process, so she sat on their bed and watched her, amazed that Tegan could write so much. Sara wrote too, but lyrics and notes didn't come to her as easily as they did to her sister. Sometimes it would take her months to finish one song. One song would take Tegan only a few days to perfect.

Tegan could've spent hours writing on that window seat, and over the last year or so she'd already racked up countless hours, but this morning Tegan had finished writing the lyrics to her latest song, and more than anything she wanted to work out some chords for it on her guitar. Unfortunately, Tegan never brought her guitar with her on weekends. It seemed like too much to lug around on the commute there and back only to have it with her for two days. She had actually planned to bring it with her this time, but the task had accidentally slipped her mind. Habits were hard to break.

Tegan sat for a moment hoping a new song would come to her and she could preoccupy herself with writing new lyrics, but she honestly had no intention of writing a new song. Working on more than one at one time would confuse her.

Sara waited for the perfect moment to interject. "Did you write another song?"

Tegan had been so lost in her dream world she had forgotten Sara was in the room. Realizing it would be impossible to ignore her twenty-four seven, Tegan reluctantly answered her. "Yeah."

"Can I read it?"

Tegan thought for a moment. "No."

Sara felt the blow in her heart. Tegan was a pretty secretive person and often wouldn't let anyone read her lyrics until she performed them, but sometimes she would give Sara a sneak preview, and Sara knew she wouldn't get to read it this time out of spite, not an issue of privacy. But still she didn't argue. She felt she had no place to. This whole thing was her fault anyway.

"So what do you want to do today," Sara asked attempting to start another conversation, excited that Tegan was finally speaking to her.

Tegan shrugged. "I just want to write."

"Well, I'm going out," Sara said determined. "I'll be back later."

"Whatever," Tegan said, speaking to no one in particular after Sara had left.

* * *

It was the weekend, the two days of Sara's week where she didn't have to worry about school or the stress of everyday life. Their dad allowed them to do basically anything. On these two days it felt as if the world was her oyster, and Sara planned to explore this oyster, looking for the perfect pearl, the perfect gift to give to Tegan as an apology.

Unfortunately, without a car or even a license for that matter, it seemed as if Sara's oyster extended only as far as the city limits of Calgary. Fortunately, it was a big enough city. She could find _something_ for Tegan, and she knew exactly where to look.

The record store had become the twin's favorite hangout since their fourteenth birthday last year when they had started learning to play guitar. It was Mecca for all musicians and fans alike, serving not only as a record store, but a small music store as well, selling the basic essentials, a few instruments, drum kits, guitars; and the necessary accessories, picks, sticks, and replacement strings. They even offered lessons.

There was one item in particular that caught Sara's attention, a brand new cherry red Les Paul guitar. Up until now they had only played acoustically. They lacked the necessary amp to move on to electric, but Sara knew that Tegan would fall in love with this guitar at first sight. It was perfect. Too bad she couldn't afford it. Their family was poor, and her weekly allowance was small. The guitar, on the other hand, had a rather large price tag.

Sara walked away from the guitar, disappointed she wouldn't be able to present it to Tegan. Instead, she picked up a CD they had been looking for, The Smashing Pumpkins, and headed back to her father's apartment.

Unsurprisingly, Tegan was exactly where Sara left her, seated on the window seat, looking out at the city. Sara entered the room, hands behind her back, keeping her present a surprise. Noticing Sara's presence in the room, Tegan turned her head.

"Guess what I got?" Sara brought the disk in front of her. Tegan instantly grabbed it.

"No way."

"Yes way."

Tegan tore off the cellophane wrapper like a four year old on Christmas morning. She popped the disk into the stereo and pressed play.

"It's my way of saying sorry," Sara apologized.

"For what?" Tegan focused on getting into the rhythm of the song.

Sara was dumbfounded. "For last night."

"But nothing happened last night."

"You know," Sara attempted to explain further, bring her voice down to a whisper. "What happened last night."

"But Sara," Tegan said more aggressively this time, "Nothing happened last night."

Tegan turned the volume up on the stereo, filling the room with the energy of hard rock.

'If only that were true,' Sara thought to herself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Violate**

**Chapter 3**

The soft sound of socked feet walking across wood awoke Sara from her drowsy state. She struggled to see her sister's figure in the darkness. "Tegan?" She had to squint to see the time on her watch. It was a quarter past eleven o'clock. Tegan opened the door hoping to make her escape before Sara said something else. "Tegan, where are you going?" Sara's voice was more urgent now.

"Out," Tegan stated as if it were no big deal.

"Out where?"

"Did you forget about Laura's party?" Tegan asked unconcerned.

"Oh, shit!" Sara sprung out of bed, thankful she had fallen asleep reading and hadn't had a chance to change into her nightclothes yet. How could she have forgotten about her girlfriend's party?

Tegan grabbed her shoes from the hall closet, cursing herself for not being quieter and waking up Sara. She went downstairs and waited by the exit doors of the apartment complex for Sara who soon followed behind her.

It was at times like these when the twins wished they had their licenses. Walking two miles in the middle of the night was not fun. It didn't help that it was freezing cold outside and neither had bothered to bring a jacket.

Laura's mother was never home on the weekends. She preferred to stay with her boyfriend then, leaving her two children to fend for themselves. Fortunately, Laura's little brother almost always spent the night with a friend, leaving Laura with no responsibilities and an empty house.

The second they walked in the door Laura's lips were on Sara's. Tegan turned away, her heart filled with sorrow and jealousy.

Tegan ditched the happy couple to hang out with the others. The thing Tegan liked most about Laura's parties was that there were never a lot of people there. It was mostly just their friends and the occasional friend of a friend. Her second most favorite thing was, of course, the seemingly never ending supply of booze and drugs. Laura's mom's boyfriend worked in a brewery. He brought home a ton of booze and gave enough to Laura's mom that she never noticed when a couple of cases went missing.

Tegan took a seat on the couch next to Jeremy, her "boyfriend". He was a nice guy and all, but he was so obviously gay. They were friends which made the cover up that was their relationship work all that more well. Jeremy had his arm slung around his new boyfriend. They both appeared to be tipsy already.

Tegan cracked open a luke-warm beer sitting on the coffee table, took a sip, and then went to talk to Laura whose face had finally been detached from Sara's. She hugged her and Tegan's stomach fluttered. Laura was beautiful, every time Tegan looked at her she couldn't help but admire her shoulder length blond curls, her flawless skin, or her cherry red lips. Oh, how she longed for those lips! But this time kissing Laura wasn't the first thing on her mind. "Where's the acid?" Laura reached into her pocket, pulling out a small sheet of paper. She removed two of the tiny strips and placed them on Tegan's tongue. Tegan took another swig of beer to help her swallow the paper after sucking on it for a moment. She smiled knowing this party was about to get a lot more fun.

An hour later and Tegan was in a completely different world. Everything seemed . . . better. Colors were brighter. Voices were louder, clearer. Textures were more vivid. She was hypersensitive, but somehow completely oblivious to the rest of the world. To everyone else it may have seemed like Tegan was isolating herself on purpose, preferring to ignore everyone else by standing alone in the corner. Tegan wasn't exactly sure how she had ended up here. Maybe it was an unconscious choice, but if so, Tegan thanked her subconscious. Solitude sure helped distract her from the rest of the group, happy, enjoying themselves. Why did they deserve to be happy when she was so miserable? Her mood changed without warning, shifting from euphoria to anger almost immediately. At this point the only thing she wanted to do was leave. "Fuck them," she said aloud. At some point her empty beer bottle had unknowingly slipped out of her hand and ended up on the floor. She accidentally kicked it in the process of running to the front door.

Sara saw a flash out of the corner of her eye. She almost dismissed it as a hallucination, but instead she did what every other intoxicated dumbass would do in this situation. Instead of ignoring her parent's warnings ("curiosity killed the cat, you know!"), Sara got off the couch and went to investigate.

"Where are you going, babe?" Laura called out behind her, but her inquisitiveness was ignored by Sara who was preoccupied with the motion of this person, shadow, hallucination, or whatever it was. Luckily, this time she hadn't been hallucinating and didn't have to spend hours discovering this. The blur had only been Tegan and Sara found her walking through Laura's driveway. Sara stormed after her like a lion after a gazelle.

"Where are you going?" Sara asked, catching up to Tegan for the second time that night.

"Home!" Tegan screamed back. She quickened her pace across the concrete road.

"Why?" Sara questioned. "The party's not over yet." Her voice was slurred from one too many beers, and this upset Tegan even more.

"Fuck off!"

Sara stopped in her tracks, genuinely offended and not at all willing to take Tegan's bullshit without a fight. She raced forward again accidentally bumping into Tegan in the process. "What the fuck is your problem?" She was suddenly seeing red.

"You are!" Tegan pushed her, causing Sara to lose her balance and stumble over the curb. Her delayed reaction time and obscured state of mind helped her fall straight on her ass. Sara was stunned for a moment, more an effect of the drugs than the fall, but then she used all the adrenaline pumping through her body to push herself up and charge back at Tegan full force. Tegan yelped like a stepped-on puppy once the impact of being boxed between Sara and the brick wall of a locksmith shop set in. The blow felt harder than it actually was. For a second Tegan panicked and checked her body for broken bones or scraped limbs, but soon anger took over again and she punched Sara square in the jaw. Sara flew back, for Tegan had put more force behind the punch than she would have if she had been in the right frame of mind. Tegan ran away angry and a little scared, hoping to find some kind of solace at home.

The constant streams of blood running out of her nose and lip were enough to distract Sara. She didn't even notice when Tegan took off. Had Tegan broken her jaw? Her nose? The thought of seeing a doctor crossed Sara's mind, but she knew that there was probably nothing seriously wrong with her and in the end all it would do was alert their dad of the fact that they had snuck out of the house, and that would cause more trouble than necessary. Sara slowly stood up from the pavement. Her legs were shaky, and she found it difficult to walk, but she managed, putting one foot in front of the other at a slow steady pace until her body loosened up and recognized the motion.

It seemed like it was hours before she got home. Rationally, this was impossible, but rational was not an adjective to describe Sara right now. Honestly, she was hoping hours had already passed, so she chocked up the feeling to wishful thinking. She wanted this trip to be over already. It was turning bad quickly.

She got into the apartment building with no problem, had a little trouble climbing the stairs, but was stopped in her tracks when she discovered that the door to their apartment was locked. She had walked two miles, tripping, anxious, drunk, and alone in the middle of the night without getting kidnapped, raped, or mistaken for a prostitute, only to be stopped by a three inch thick piece of wood. She jiggled the handle one more time, praying that the door would magically open this time. It didn't.

She slumped against the door defeated. She couldn't knock on the door without waking her dad answering it and asking her why she was out there and where she had been. Tegan sure wouldn't open the door for her. It seemed as if she would be forced to spend the night shivering in the hallway without a jacket and only a decorative plant to keep her company. Wait . . . the plant! She had forgotten that her dad always kept a spare key hiding in the plant in case he forgot or lost his key, which he did often enough. Sara dug through the soil, quickly finding the key. She placed it in the lock and turned it gently. The door opened without a sound.

She tossed the key back into the pot before tiptoeing through the apartment. She was careful to take off her shoes and put them in the hall closet. Now came the hardest part, even more stairs, creaky stairs at that. She wasn't sure if she could get up the stairs without avoiding all the creaky ones. She tried her best, but managed to emit a few squeaks from the carpeted steps. She paused for a moment at each of these, listening for sounds to warn her she'd woken up her father. She hadn't even noticed that she was holding her breath before she finally got to the top of the stairs and let out a huge exhale.

She was cautious again when she went past her dad's bedroom, but the door was closed and the odds of him hearing or seeing her were very small. She slipped into her room and closed the door not bothering to turn on the lights. She knew Tegan might be asleep and waking her would just cause more conflict. Sara crawled into her side of the bed without changing into more comfortable clothes. She wanted sleep more than anything right now and changing would just take too much unnecessary time.

Sara's eyes were starting to adjust to the dark, and yet when she looked beside her. She was unable to see Tegan's sleeping figure. She squinted, trying to make out a lump in the sheets. Curious, Sara reached out, hoping to come in contact with Tegan, but as she felt around and found nothing, Sara quickly realized that Tegan wasn't in bed with her. "Tegan!" she called out in a moment of panic. She pulled the covers off of herself and swung her feet over the side of the bed and attempted to stand up, but as she put pressure on her feet she was startled by a cry of pain. "Tegan?"

"Ouch," Tegan said again, sitting up and rubbing her back where Sara had stepped on it.

"Why are you on the floor?" Sara asked confused.

"Because I'm not sleeping in that bed!" Tegan hissed.

"But that floor can't be comfortable."

"I'd rather be uncomfortable on the floor than comfortable in the same bed as you," Tegan spit out truthfully.

Tegan had never been uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as Sara before. They preferred to have their own rooms, but when they were forced to share one, they did so without complaint. The only reason Tegan wouldn't share a bed with her now was because of what had happened between them only 24 hours ago, and Sara knew it. She felt terrible and debated offering to switch places with Tegan and take the floor, but Tegan had gone quiet, and the pull of sleep was too alluring not to give in to. It was her only escape.


	4. Chapter 4

Violate

Chapter 4

Weekly Sunday morning breakfast with dad was the last thing Tegan and Sara wanted to attend when they woke up the next morning. They were exhausted, hung over, and only just coming off their high. Sara's lip hurt worse than anything else though. Tegan had clocked her good. Her lip was swollen and there was no doubt that the side of her face would be bruise. Reluctantly, they both got out of bed and started their day. Dad would expect them to be ready to leave in half an hour.

Tegan still stunk of sweat and marijuana from the night before, and the faint trace of booze was present in her breath. As much as Tegan desperately wanted and needed a shower, a chance of clothes and some tooth paste would have to do. Sara had beaten her to the bathroom, and it was entirely possible that she had needed it more. She did have to clean the dried blood of her face after all. Tegan would be forced to take a shower after breakfast. One public outing like this wouldn't kill her right?

Both girls were ready by 9:00 and their overly-excited father hoarded them into the car. Neither could fathom the man's love of the breakfast at what might be been considered one of the shittiest diners in the city according to anyone else. The food was cheap, but ultimately, you get what you pay for and a five dollar platter of bacon, toast, and an omelets can't possible be as mouth-watering as their dad chalked it up to be; and following this rule, it was impossible for it to measure up to the normal person's palate. The twins shared a meal. Neither of them was really all that hungry and mediocre food didn't increase either of their appetites. Tegan had to strain to not ask the waitress for an aspirin, and Sara nursed a cup of coffee in hopes that it would help get rid of the hangover.

Stephen absent-mindedly munched on a slice of toast, unsure of what to make of his twin daughters, sitting in the booth opposite him. Sara pushed herself against the wall and Tegan sat as close to the edge of the booth as she could without falling off. Their plate was directly between them and they both had to stretch out a little to mindlessly play with their food. Stephen looked from one to the other and then back again. Usually they were more chatty than this. He couldn't help but wonder what was wrong and he definitely couldn't ignore the bruise on his youngest daughter's face. "What happened?" he asked, gesturing to his own clean-shaven face.

Sara stole a quick glance over at Tegan. "I fell." The half truth.

Stephen wasn't convinced. "Did you hit your sister again?" His question was directed towards Tegan who replied with a simple shrug of the shoulders. He made a _tsk tsk _sound with his tongue. "Your mother's not going to be happy. You remember what happened the last time you two got into a fight."

"Oh, god." Tegan remembered.

"I'm not going into therapy again," Sara argued.

"That's not really my choice," Stephen objected. "It's your mother's."

"Therapy is mom's solution for everything," Tegan interjected.

"Then you better not tell her what happened," their father suggested.

"If we can't hide it from you, how can we hide it from mom?"

"We can't," Tegan noted.

"Yeah, good luck with that."

The rest of breakfast was fairly boring. The twins sat at the opposite ends of their booth in silence, occasionally nodding or shaking their head in response to a question their dad asked them about school or their mother or whether or not he could finish their breakfast for them since it was obvious that neither one was going to finish it.

Tegan and Sara were hauled up in their room for the rest of the day. Sara worked studiously on a book report due the next day, and Tegan slowly started writing the lyrics to her new song.

"Aw, shit!" Sara cursed as she rummaged through her duffel bag and found her algebra book. "Did you do your math homework?"

Tegan shook her head. Algebra was the least important thing on her mind.

"Fuck!" Sara screamed again. An entire book report was enough homework to last her a week, and now that she had finally finished it she would be forced to beat her brains out further in order to do some silly math she'd never use again in her life. She signed, realizing that she would have to do it and it would be better to get it out of the way now. "What page is it on?" She asked Tegan. She had failed to copy the problems down from the board due to the fact that she had fallen asleep in class again. The word "algebra" roughly translated to "nap time" in Sara's world. She got sleepy just thinking about it.

Tegan reluctantly stopped writing and began rummaging through her suitcase. She pulled out the hard-covered, glossy-titled, eleven pound book and tossed it onto the bed. The bed reacted as a person would if you threw such a heavy book at them. It seemed startled for a moment, elicited a loud moan, but then stabilized itself, and cradled the book as if it were a caught baseball in the ninth inning with the opposing team already having two previous outs. Sara opened the book finding a page bookmarked by a sheet of paper with only the problems assigned listed at the top of the page. "Thanks."

Half an hour later, exhausted and cracking her knuckles, Sara was finished. She started to hand Tegan her book back, but took another look at the blank sheet of paper. She knew that Tegan would not do her homework, so, out of kindness, Sara began copying the work on her own paper on Tegan's. It didn't take long and soon Sara was free of work and swelling with pride. Homework was something that always felt better completed. She scrawled Tegan's name at the top of the page in her own messy handwriting, placed it back in the book, and handed it back to Tegan who took it and placed it back in her suit case.

Sara glanced at the clock. "It's really five already?" She scrambled to gather her clothes laid haphazardly on the floor. "Mom's going to be here any minute!" Sara said to warn Tegan that they had to hurry up and get ready, but Tegan didn't move an inch.

"Mom's here," warned Tegan when she saw the station wagon pull into the parking lot. Sara continued to pack her stuff in haste.

"Girls!" their father yelled, "You're mother's here!" The two left their room to answer their father's call, Sara's bag slumped over her shoulder, Tegan empty-handed.

"What happened to your face?" Sonia greeted them.

"I fell," Sara insisted.

"Uh-huh," Sonia said sarcastically, knowing that her daughters had gotten into yet another fight.

Sara went to her mother's side, but Tegan stayed put in the living room. "Aren't you coming, Tegan?" her mom asked her.

Tegan cowered behind the banister. When she spoke there was a apprehensive tone in her voice. "I - I was thinking that I could stay here."

"What do you mean 'stay here'?"

"I - I want to live here for a while." She was becoming a little more confident. She turned her head towards her father. "If that's okay with you."

Stephen was in the kitchen drying the dishes. He shrugged. "I guess it's fine with me." He looked to Sonia.

Sonia was flabbergasted. "W- I mean - Why would you want to?"

Tegan shrugged. "I like it here."

"You can't just move in," Sonia argued. "Not so fast any way. I mean, what about all your stuff?"

For the first time Sara noticed Tegan didn't have her suitcase with her. She had no intention of leaving here today. "I brought enough clothes for the week. I figured I could get the rest of my stuff next weekend when I come visit you."

Sara was on the verge of tears as she realized what Tegan planned to do. Tegan planned to inverse their lives so that they never crossed paths with each other. With Tegan at mom's on weekends and Dad's during the week and Sara at Dad's on the weekends and Mom's during the week, the only time the two would get (as Sara would say) or have (as Tegan would say) to see each other was during school where they had only two classes together and maybe ten minutes to talk each day.

"What about your sister?" Sonia asked.

"Yeah, what about me?" Sara said, taking a stand for the first time.

"We'll see each other at school," Tegan said.

"Barely!" Sara cried.

Sonia gripped her crying daughter harder. She knew that Sara was heartbroken. She couldn't fathom why Tegan was doing this. They lived a much better life at home, and if Sonia herself had a twin, she couldn't have stranded to be away from her. Of course, Sonia was much more passive than her daughters. The only explanation she could think of for this travesty was the fight they must've had.

Perhaps, if she were a normal mother, Sonia would deny her child's request, but as a therapist, she knew that, at times, it was important to let one's own child make their own choices. "Alright," she agreed. "I'll let you stay here."

Tegan smiled. Tears sprang from Sara's eyes. Tegan ran to give her mother a hug. "Thank you, Mom."

"Do I get a hug too," Sara asked, tears stinging her busted lip.

Tegan pretended not to hear her and hugged her dad instead. "Thanks, Dad."

Sara stormed out of the apartment, running as fast as she could to get away from Tegan and her mother and father who would so willingly separate their daughters. She found her mother's car, climbed into the back of it, curled up in the seat, and bawled her eyes out.

A couple of minutes later when Sonia came outside and found her daughter, she could only sigh, give her daughter a gentle, soothing pat on the arm, and feebly attempt to convince her that everything would be alright.


	5. Chapter 5

****

Violate

Chapter 5

School without Tegan was dreadfully boring. Sara had no one to talk to on the bus and was forced to listen to the girls behind her gossip and talk about their boyfriends. By the time the twenty minute ride was over, Sara wanted to punch the stupid out of them. It was a relief to get inside school. Somewhere, lurking gin the halls was her twin and Sara was going to find her whether Tegan liked it or not.

Sara looked all over for Tegan, asking all of their friends if they had seen her. It was strange. Normally, Tegan spent the whole morning talking to Laura, and even she hadn't seen her. Laura was concerned too. "You didn't see where she went?"

"I don't even know if she came to school today." Sara went on to explain their whole situation, leaving out the part about why Tegan wanted to live with their dad.

"Wow," Laura said shocked. "I can't believe she would do that. Maybe she's sick?" she offered her only explanation.

"Maybe," Sara said, doubting it.

Sara wouldn't be able to find Tegan. Tegan had locked herself in one of the bathroom stalls in the most secluded, unsanitary bathroom on the second floor with her notebook in her lap and a disease-infested toilet next to her, and the only way she would've been happier was if she didn't have to come out of hiding in ten minutes to go to class.

It wasn't until fourth period that Sara finally caught sight of her double. Tegan was sitting in her regular seat as if this were any other day. Sara was so overjoyed with relief that she had to resist the urge to cry and hug Tegan in the middle of the class room. Sara cautiously took her seat next to Tegan.

Sara's eyes never left her sister. She was afraid Tegan would vanish again if Sara let her out of her sight for even a moment. She didn't even bother to listen to the teacher as she taught some long algebraic equation. Chances were she'd never understand or use it anyway. Her twin on the other hand was something she would need to have in life.

"Alright class, get out last weekend's assignment."

Tegan opened her textbook despite the fact that she hadn't done her homework. She could at least make it look like she had to avoid getting callused out by Mrs. Anderson. She was surprised to find a sheet of paper decorated in numbers with her name on it and yesterday's date. She was completely baffled until she saw the small writing at the bottom of the page.

__

I'm sorry. - S

Tegan turned around to face her sister. It was the first time the two had made eye contact all day.

So Tegan had found her little gift, but Sara was disappointed that Tegan didn't look thankful.

Tegan faced the front to the classroom, grabbed her pencil, and erased the personal message from Sara, clearing off the shaving with he back of her hand before handing it to her teacher. Tegan looked back again, making sure Sara had seen how she'd violently erased the graphite apology. She had. Sara's urge to cry was back, but for a different reason this time.

The twins only saw each other one other time that day, but in this particular class they sat on opposite sides of the room and again didn't have a chance to speak to each other. In fact not a word passed between the two the entire day. Not even a simple "hi".

Being so isolated from her sister crushed Sara. Change is always difficult, but it's especially hard when one suddenly stops talking to the one person they've known since they were in the womb. They were biologically the same person, one egg split into two, a freak accident. Without Tegan there was an emptiness inside Sara that seemed to consume her. Most people go through life looking to fill the hole in their chest where their heart is. Not a lot of people are born with that hole filled and have to adjust to life without it when it's taken away from them after fifteen years.

Nothing was the same without Tegan. Sara was forced to study quietly alone. Dinner without Tegan's chattiness produced an awkward silence between Sara and her mother, both unsure of what to say or how to say it. Sara's room didn't even feel like her own now without the security of knowing that Tegan was right down the hall, safe in her own room if Sara ever needed her.

It seemed as if she were seeing her room for the first time. It hadn't been redecorated since she was twelve, and it looked much too immature for her fifteen-year-old self. It _looked _like a twelve year old had designed it. It was too happy, too perky, and the last thing it did was reflect the way Sara was feeling now.

Tegan's room on the other hand was perfect for the mood Sara was in. Tegan had decorated her room in a way that obviously pointed out that an emotional, moody teenager lived here. The whole room was pretty depressing. The only thing that seemed out of place was the Bruce Springsteen poster, hung among the other posters of mainly metal and hard rock bands. Sara had the same poster in her room. Their step father had bought them in a two-for-one sale specifically as gifts for the twins when they were only about nine or ten. The girls loved them, and it was the only aspect their rooms had in common.

It was well after midnight. Sara hadn't been able to sleep in her now seemingly childish room surrounded by all the knickknacks and pictures she'd collected throughout the years. She was suffocating. She had to get out. She quietly opened the door and tiptoed down the hall to the door labeled "Tegan" in big, blocky, criminal letters. The door was already cracked open and Sara couldn't resist going inside. She crawled into the ironically-named twin sized bed. Somehow it felt more comfortable than hers despite them having the same bed frame and mattress. The pillows smelled of Tegan. Her sister had a peculiar scent. It was unmistakable. It was her natural perfume mixed with the smell of her shampoo. It came off as a natural smell, but it wasn't at all unpleasant. Sara was absorbed in the smell, and she was amazed by just how well her own head fit into the small indent already made in the pillow. As she pulled the thick down comforter up to her shoulders, she was completely enveloped by Tegan and her scent. It felt as if she were back in between her sister's legs and she couldn't help but fell a tingling heat between her own. She slipped a hand beneath the waist band of her boxers and rubbed small circles around her clit as she thought of that night again. It wasn't long before she came against her own hand, crying just as Tegan had been.

And crying was how Sara fell asleep that night.


	6. Chapter 6

**Violate**

**Chapter 6**

There was one thing Sara had decided. She had to see tegan. She just had to. Yesterday had been a living hell without her and she didn't plan on going through another day twinless. One way or another she was going to talk to Tegan, and Sara had the perfect idea how to.

Tegan must have been dying without her guitar. Sara couldn't remember the last time she saw Tegan go longer than two days without it. Sara had no clue how Tegan would manage to survive a whole week separated from it. If there was one way for Sara to get back on Tegan's good side, it would be to give Tegan her guitar before the weekend.

So Sara jumped out of her bedroom window, Tegan's guitar case in hand, and made a made dash for the bus stop at the end of the street, praying her mother didn't happen to glance out of a window. It wasn't as cold as the night they had gone to Laura's party, so the slight cold didn't cause Sara many problems during the ten-minute-long wait for the next bus. She showed the bus driver her free student pass and made her way to the first empty seat she could find. This time she payed no attention to the other passengers.

Sara practically flew off the bus and sprinted down the street. She was excited. Her twin was only a couple minutes away, and this wans't like school, Tegan would have to talk to her. The worse that could happen was Tegan refusing to let her in, dead-bolting the door and locking Sara out in the hall. But Tegan wouldn't do that when she knew Sara had her guitar. And even if Tegan still rejected her, Sara could just wait outside of the apartment for their father. He would let her in.

Sara banged on the door, sweaty and exhausted. She was really starting to get out of shape ever since she quit karate. Tegan opened the door and Sara was so exited another necessary breath was stolen from her lungs, but adrenaline was numbing the pain.

"Sara?"

Sara was still breathing heavily as if an elephant was sitting on her chest. She brought the leather guitar case in to full view, as if to say, "Look what I brought!"

"My guitar!" Tegan's face lit up. Sara's face mimed her twin's.

"Can I come in?" Sara asked, finally catching her breath.

"Yeah," Tegan replied distractedly. She was admiring her guitar. Part of her was in disbelief that Sara had bothered to bring it to her.

Sara went to the kitchen and got herself a glass of water.

"Do you need your puffer?" Tegan asked with general concern.

Her inhaler would help, but Sara didn't have it with her. She would be okay as long as she didn't run home. "No. I'm okay."

"Then come on!" Tegan was standing in the doorway now. She still had her guitar in hand. "I'm going to play you a song."

Tegan was going to play her a song! Sara smiled, more excited than a kid in a candy store. She had to remind herself that having an asthma attack when she didn't have her inhaler was dangerous to stop herself from running up the stairs to their - Tegan's - room.

Tegan cleared off the window sill before sitting on it. The small amount of sun filtering not only between the blinds but also through the thick November ozone showed just how dusty the room really was. The light also gave Tegan a holy presence, illuminating her features and making her hair shine. She fingered the strings delicately as if it had been years since she last played. The guitar was her medium, bringing back memories and a long lost talent. She began plucking the strings with a calloused thumb. It was one of the few times Sara heard her play without a pick.

_Dark, you can't come soon enough for me_  
_Saved from one more day of misery_  
_Everything I love, get back from me now_  
_Everyone I love, I need you now_

_Don't forget a million miles from me_  
_Safe, and another day can pass by me_  
_Everything I love, get back from me now_  
_Everyone I love, I need you now_  
_So what? I lied, I lie to me, too (come on, come on)_  
_So what? I lied, I lie to me, too (come on, come on)_  
_So what?_

_Hold out for the ones you know will love you_  
_Hide out from the ones you know will love you, too_

_Right to the edge, I'm barely there_  
_Slow to make my move, I'm almost there_  
_Everything I say, I say to me first_  
_Everything I do, I do to me first_  
_(So what?)_  
_So what? I lied, I lie to me, too_  
_(So what?)_  
_So what? I lied, I lie to me, too_

_Hold out for the ones you know will love you_  
_Hide out from the ones you know will love you, too_

_Dark, you can't come soon enough for _me

The last note seemed to reverberate throughout the room for an eternity. A tear fell from Sara's eye. The song was beautiful. All of Tegan's songs were beautiful.

"How'd you like it?" Tegan asked. "I know it needs work, but -"

"Tegan, it's perfect."

"You really think so?"

Sara forced Tegan to make eye contact with her for the first time that week. "It's beautiful." _Just like y_- No. Saying such a thing, even thinking it, would not help their situation.

Tegan nodded and her eyes drifted away from her sister. She had picked up on Sara's change in mood and neither of them were exactly comfortable now. "I wrote some other songs too," She said to liven up the mood.

Sara's ears perked up like a dog's. Never before had she been treated to more than one of her sister's songs at one time.

"They're not finished yet though."

"Oh." Sara was visibly disappointed.

Tegan tried to cheer her up again. "But I'll play them for you another time, okay?"

A small smiled tugged at Sara's chapped lips. "Okay."

Things were quiet for a moment. Sara wrestled with her thoughts while Tegan waited, waited for something - anything to happen.

"Can I stay here for a little while? When does Dad get off work?"

"Not for another couple of hours, but I don't think it's him you'll have to worry about. Does Mom know you're here?"

Sara chucked nervously. "Not exactly."

"She's going to be pissed."

"Only if she finds out." Tegan raised an eyebrow. "If I snuck out I can sneak back in." _Hopefully_, she thought.

Tegan scoffed. "Good luck with that." She knew how much harder it was to sneak out of their mother's house than their father's. There was a reason they waited until the weekend to go hang out with their friends. "You're screwed."

"I know," Sara admitted.

"Have fun being grounded." Tegan's voice took on a sarcastic tone. Sonia was strick on these matters. Neither of the girls were allowed to leave the house and they had to be home from school by five if they decided to stay after and study in the school library. Sonia would define Sara's behavior as unacceptable and Sonia was sure to notice her daughter's absence. This was another reason Tegan was thankful she now lived with her father.

"I don't care if I get grounded." She looked at Tegan again. "It was worth it." It was probably the wrong thing to say, but Sara didn't care. She would have to go home soon and she wanted to leave a chord struck with Tegan.

"Thanks again for the guitar." Tegan patted the instrument in her lap like a dog.

"You're welcome, Sis." The two rarely called each other by nicknames, but for Sara it seemed appropriate at this time.

Tegan got up to put her guitar back in the case. As much as he wanted to play, she had homework that needed to be finished.

"I might come over again tomorrow."

Tegan shook her head. "You'll be grounded."

"What's she going to do, put bars over my window?" They both laughed.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Tee. Regardless." Sara moved in for a hug, but Tegan glared at her, a look that clearly stated "back off."

"Don't touch me," she said sternly.

"I'm sorry." It felt like Sara would keep apologizing forever.

"See you tomorrow, Sara." All friendliness in her voice had dissipated.

Sara could only leave, hurt and regretful, glancing back at Tegan as she went.

* * *

Sara hadn't really taken into account that her room was on the second floor. It wasn't a far drop down as long as she used the window ledge and side roofing to her advantage, but she hadn't thought about how to get back up. There were no footholds. She didn't have a ladder. She thought about sneaking in through one of the first floor windows, but they were all sure to be locked. She would have to take her chances with the most obvious entrance, the front door. If she could just make it inside the house without her mom seeing her, she would be alright.

The problem was she didn't know where Sonia was. She looked in the living room windows. No Sonia. The kitchen window. No Sonia. Sonia's room. No Sonia. Although she'd failed to identify the location of her mother, the coast seemed clear.

As quiet as a mouse and as inconspicuous as a solider, Sara slinked into the house, opening the door at a dreadfully slow pace. She refused to stop tiptoeing until she closed the door behind her just as slowly. She couldn't risk it creaking and giving her away. She heard the click and she breathed a sigh of relief. She was safe.

She still didn't know where her mom was, but it didn't seem too important to her now. All that mattered was that she got away with sneaking out of the house. Tegan would be so proud. Sara quietly went upstairs. She was still being careful to avoid unnecessarily alerting her mother wherever she was. She covered the final stretched to her room and it seemed she was home free, but the sight of what she found on her bed made her throat go dry. "Mom?"

Sonia gave her daughter the "Mom glare". "Where were you?"

"I was um, I -" Sara was stumbling over her words. _Shit! Play it cool_, she screamed in her head. "Um . . . I was . . . in the bathroom," she stuttered. _Way to play it cool_, she taunted herself.

"For over an hour?"

"I was . . . constipated." _Now you've done it!_

"That's funny, I was just in the bathroom and I didn't see you in there." Two could play this game.

"I was in the other bathroom."

"My bathroom?" Sonia inquired, "The one that's off-limits to you and Tegan?"

"No," Sara denied. "The _other_ other bathroom."

"Sara, this house only has two bathrooms." Sonia knew that Sara was about to break down any minute now. She asked Sara again, "Where were you?"

Sara ignored the question. "That seems like a poor design choice, don't you think? Most one-story homes have two or three bathrooms. You'd think ours would have more than that. I mean, one bathroom on each floor isn't very common."

"Sara." Sonia's voice was booming. She meant business. "_Where were you_?"

"I went to see Tegan," Sara admitted, taking a seat on one of her bean bag chairs. It practically drowned her, but it didn't drown out Sonia's angry voice.

"You are not allowed to see your father on weekdays. You _know _how I feel about him! There's a reason I got custody and he didn't! I can't believe your sister would -" She chocked up a little. The thought of her baby wanting to move away from her and live with her ex-husband of all people was like a knife being driven into her chest. Sara was shocked by her mother's tears. Why would she so readily agree to let Tegan live with their father if she didn't want her to? It was the first time Sara realized the change wasn't affecting just her. Part of her wanted to comfort her mother, but a stronger part of her pulled back.

"I didn't even see Dad," Sara protested. "He was at work."

"Still." Sonia sniffed, trying to regain her composure. "I don't want you seeing him too much."

"I can't stay away from Dad," she argued, "He had my sister."

Sonia shook her head and mumbled. "She shouldn't have left."

"But you let her."

Sonia's eyes widened momentarily, surprised by her daughter's straight-forwardness.

"I'm sorry," she apologized to both of them.


	7. Chapter 7

**Violate**

**Chapter 7**

Sara wasn't grounded. In fact, after the talk with her mother, Sara had more freedom than ever before. Sonia realized that the more she smothered her kids, the further away from her they would drift. She blamed herself for Tegan's desire to move in with her ex-husband, and the last thing she wanted was to lose both of her children. She decided to lift some of the restrictions of Sara. The new rule Sara was excited about was that she could hang out with her friends as long as she had her homework finished and she was back by 9:00 P.M.

Sara went about putting this rule into effect immediately. She petitioned to her mother a simple day at the mall. Sonia agreed, but not without giving Sara a lecture in safety. As if she hadn't learned to stay away from strangers when she was five.

Before setting out Sara called Tegan and asked her if she wanted to come with them. "Jeremy's coming," Sara tempted.

"Is Laura going to be there?"

"Yeah." Tegan had confessed her infatuation with Sara's girlfriend before. Sara thought this would be the icing on the cake. Tegan would definitely want to come with them now, so she could see her wouldn't she?

The thought of Laura and Sara hanging all over each other disgusted Tegan. This was why she avoided them in the mornings at school. They were usually holding hands or staring at each other, and Tegan had even found them making out in the bathroom once before. There was no way she could survive an entire outing at the mall with these two love birds. "I can't," Tegan explained. "I've got a test tomorrow. I really need to study."

Sara didn't believe the lame excuse for one minute, but she wasn't in the mood to accuse Tegan of being antisocial or even just plain bitchy. "Alright," she said defeated. "See you tomorrow." Tegan was able to say a simple goodbye before Sara hung up the phone.

Sara heard a car horn honk outside. She opened her window, knowing that it was Laura and the others. She waved at them to let them know she was coming. She ran downstairs shouting, "Bye Mom," as Sonia feebly attempted to tell her to stay safe.

Jeremy was their chaperone. He sat in the driver's seat with his beau next to him. They were holding hands over the stick shift. Sara climbed into the crowded backseat with Laura who nuzzled into Sara's neck as soon as she was seated and comfortable.

Even though her friends were there and her girl was in her arms, something wasn't right, and that missing puzzle piece was Tegan. Before Sara had fucked everything up, Tegan was a necessary part of their posse. She went everywhere with them no matter what. The twin's themselves had been practically inseparable. One hardly went anywhere without the other tagging along.

"What's wrong?" Laura asked as they pulled into the mall's parking lot.

"Nothing," Sara lied, giving her best fake smile.

"Okay." She would drop the subject for now, but something really was bothering Sara.

Sara had forgotten one little thing when she had agreed to Jeremy's request to go to the mall: the mall is for people with money or losers without money that want to hang out somewhere with heating and do some pathetic, self-esteem-destroying window shopping. Sara was definitely in the latter category. The mall wasn't even their scene. They hardly ever went here. Jeremy was the only one who really liked the mall. Sara felt awkward surrounded by bustling shoppers and other teenage crowds, most of which consisted of students that Sara wasn't exactly fond of. John seemed to be having a good time if only because Jeremy was, and Laura seemed to be enjoying herself enough, after all, girls and malls go together like peanut butter and jelly. Sara was uncomfortable being the only one uncomfortable and she found herself wishing again that Tegan had come too. Her sister's misery might have even exceeded her own.

Frankly, Sara didn't exactly see the point in visiting countless stores without the intention of buying anything. After five stores even Laura stopped seeing the point.

"Let's ditch them," Laura suggested.

Jeremy and John were fawning over an H and M wool-knit sweater with a much too large price tag dangling like a wind chine in the breeze from one of the sleeves.

"Ditch them? Like, seriously just leave them here?"

"Yes!"

Sara chuckled at her mischievous girlfriend. "Alright."

They snuck out of the store quickly and in five minutes were on a bus.

"Where exactly are we going?" Sara asked.

"I haven't really thought that far ahead yet."

"I see." Very typical of Laura. A thought suddenly entered her head. "I know! Maybe we can go see Tegan." Tegan may not have wanted to see them, but she had to be lonely at home all by herself. Maybe she would welcome the company after all.

The two were standing, holding on to the support poles for dear life. There had been no seat's left. The bus was packed. Despite the numerous watching passengers, Laura felt brave enough to place an elegant finger on Sara's chest and tantalizingly slowly run it down Sara's abdomen. "I was thinking we could go back to my place," Laura said huskily. She raised a questioning eyebrow at Sara. "I could make you dinner."

Disappointed at her denied suggestion, Sara still agreed.

Not surprisingly, Laura's mom wasn't home, but her little brother was. Mikey was an adorable little kid. He was seven and a half and he never let Sara forget the added fraction. Mikey was about as geeky as Sara and looked like a miniature version of Harry Potter with spectacle glasses and even a jagged scar from a bicycle accident to match. After spending so much time at Laura's house, the little boy had become like a brother to her.

He was just as excited to see her as she was him. "Sara!" he screamed as he ran through the living room, his arms outstretched as far as his tiny frame would let him. He hugged her waist (as far as he could reach) and Sara couldn't help but share his infectious, gummy smile. His two front teeth were missing.

"Hey, Mikey!"

"Do you want to play Power Rangers with me?" he asked excitedly. "I got the new green ranger!"

"I would lov-"

Laura cut her off. "Mikey, she can't. Go play with your toys. Alone."

"But I want to play with Sara!" he whined.

"No, Mikey! Go play by yourself!"

"You're mean!" The child sulked off, making sure that with each step his feet produced the loudest sound they could make.

Sara agreed wit the little kid. He wasn't exactly treated fairly by his sister. To her he was an inconvenience or sometimes, more cruelly, her pawn. She felt bad for the kid, having an absent mom, no father, and a bitch for a sister must be hard.

The thought startled Sara. That's exactly what Laura was at times, a bitch. How had she not realized it sooner? Laura wasn't even a nice person. Sure she was nice to Sara, but around other people she was completely different. There were times when Sara wasn't even able to recognize her. Why had Sara agreed to ditch Jeremy and John? They were probably worried sick looking for them. Being mean to your sibling is one thing, but messing with your friends is another.

Laura pulled Sara down the hall and into her bedroom with a suggestive grin on her face. She locked the door to prevent any intrusions from her little brother. She pushed Sara on to the bed roughly and quickly began attacking her lips. Sara shoved her away violently.

"What? What's wrong?"

Sara's mind was still running wild. She didn't like the way Laura was treating her. Mostly all they did was have sex. She couldn't remember the last time they had had an in depth conversation about something other than school. She felt used. For the first time she looked at Laura and saw her for what she truly was. Sara was disgusted with herself.

"Sara?"

What did Tegan see in her?

"Sara?"

Whatever Tegan saw in her, she could have. Sara was finished.

She pushed herself off the bed with her karate-toned biceps and walked to the door.

"Where are you going?"

She shrugged her shoulders and unlocked the door. "Home."

Laura grabbed her arm. "Why?" Her voice was small like a frightened child's.

"I'm done." She chuckled madly. "I just - You're a bitch."

"A bitch!"

"Yeah." Sara finally managed to escape into the hallway. Laura followed her. "I don't know what Tegan sees in you."

Sara grabbed her jacket off the back of the couch.

"Tegan?"

Mikey was sitting on the floor watching TV. "See ya, Mikey."

"See ya!" His voice barely made it out of the door and into Sara's ears before she closed the door behind her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Violate**

**Chapter 8**

It's kind of hard to ignore someone when the two people you're trying to avoid are in a screaming fight with each other in the commons area and the whole school is crowded around them. The argument even peaked the interest of Tegan whose only interest the last few days was not having any interest in Sara or Laura. She tried to see through the crowd, but only succeeded in bumping into a few students and pissing them off. It was getting her nowhere, so she decided to climb atop the benches. The added height gave her a full view of the fight, but the distance she had put between them and the clamor of the crowd had made it impossible for her to hear anything. It seemed like Laura was doing most of the yelling and Sara was trying to keep it cool, only grimacing at the particularly bad parts. She was aware that they were making a scene. Her personal life at the moment was the last thing she wanted on display.

No punches were thrown, thank God. The amount of trouble Sara would get in . . . Tegan shuddered at the thought. That was a punishment she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy.

The principal did intervene though. It took him a good five minutes. How hard is it to realize that _something _is going on when there's a swarm of kids gathered chanting "fight". Had it been a real fight, the hall would be covered in blood by now.

Tegan sucked in her breath as they were taken to the principal's office. Sara would still be punished just as severely.

There were a few snicker sand taunts from the other students as they were hauled away. Then the first bell rang and the crowd dispersed like a school of fish invaded by a shark to their lockers and homerooms.

Even after first period started the school still tasted of excitement. Everyone was more rowdy than usual. Fights always lifted the mood of the student body. Some practically lived for the beastly, archaic entertainment. Tegan couldn't understand it. Gossip was passed through the halls like a baton in a race. Witnesses told their accounts of what happened to their unfortunate friends who hadn't been there to see it themselves. Tegan listened to a few of these rumors from the students in her class. She wanted to know what had happened more than all of them. But no two stories were the same. The rumors remained just that: rumors.

"Tegan Quin?"

Tegan's ears perked up at the sound of her name.

"You've got a pass for the office," the student helper informed her loud enough for the rest of the class to hear.

She gulped. The office wasn't a good place unless you were an honors student. She couldn't remember doing anything worth getting called to the principal's office for.

A few "oohs" scattered across the room as Tegan grabbed her books, took the pass, and made her way down the dreary, deserted hallways to the principal's office.

"Are you Tegan?" The receptionist asked her. Tegan nodded. "Have a seat. Mr. Grover will be with you in a minute." Tegan did as she was instructed. Mrs. Clevers was a nice lady. The genial tone of her voice managed to calm Tegan down a bit.

She tried to focus on the room as she waited. But the cat clock and the old, striped carpet did nothing to capture her attention. Her hands sat clammy in her lap.

Mr. Grover's shiny bald heard popped out of his office. "Tegan?"

Tegan wiped her sweaty palm against her jeans and stood up. Her legs buckled slightly and she hoped that no one had noticed. More sweat pooled on her brow. She walked to his office like an innocent inmate to the electric chair. The principal sat down with a huff. Carrying his own massive weight from the door to his desk had apparently worn him out. His seat cushion exploded an outburst of air, the burden of his weight now placed on its flimsy plastic frame. He wrote something down on a slip of paper, leaving Tegan with ten more unbearable seconds of twiddling her thumbs anxiously.

"I'm sure you're aware of the fight that took place between your sister and a miss Laura Balestrom."

"Y- Yes sir." Her voice was shaking as much as she was.

"The two were in my office earlier but neither one would fess up to what had happened. I was unable to pull it out of them so I sent them to the detention room. But it's not that simple. I need to know exactly what took place. You understand, don't you? It affects their punishment."

"It wasn't even a real fight, sir. And I don't think Sara deserves to be punished. It was Laura who was yelling at her."

He raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Why don't you tell me exactly what happened. Why was miss Balestrom yelling?" His tone was that of the many judges she had seen on TV. He took this all way too seriously. It was just a silly high school tiff. Did he not understand that all of his students were under the control of their hormones?

"Honestly, sir, I'm not sure what happened."

"You aren't? Well what was miss Balestrom yelling about?"

"I was too far away to hear."

"But you must've know beforehand that they were mad at each other. What for?"

"I don't know, sir."

"You mean to tell me that you didn't know that your sister and Laura don't get along?"

"Last I knew they were friends." She wasn't about to go into detail about must how friendly they were.

"But Sara must've told you when things changed?"

"No."

He leaned back in his chair. Tegan was worried that it might break. He was obviously too ticked off to worry himself. "What it sounds like to me is that you're trying to protect your sister."

"We don't even live together anymore! I don't know every little thing about her! We might be twins but we're not the same person."

"I don't like your tone." He never liked anyone's tone. "I'm sending you to in school suspension too."

"But that's not fair!" Tegan protested.

"Aiding and abetting and withholding information is illegal, young lady. You can think about that in ISS."

_You also need proof before you send someone to prison_ Tegan thought as she was escorted by Mr. Grover himself to the ISS room.

As soon as she stepped in the door she was hit by a paper ball thrown from Timmy Hudson, the football team's quarter back.

"Hey! Keep that up and your as won't be playing in the game Friday night."

Timmy sank back in his seat. "Sorry, Coach."

Coach Met glared at his star player. IT was bad enough he'd been given ISS duty all week. Who would want to spend their day babysitting The Future Criminals of Canada? And now the football team's only hope was in here too. If Timmy was kicked off the team, their chance of winning regionals was shot.

Tegan was just as upset as he was that he was here. Coach Met was the strictest teacher at Crescent Heights High. Almost anyone else would at least let them whisper to each other. He was to blame for the room's eerie silence. And the worst part was that he looked at her like she was trash for winding up in this hellhole.

She scanned the room for a good seat. Who was she kidding? There were no good seats. Either way she was going to end up sitting next to some dumb jock or juvenile delinquent. She would've sat next to Sara, but she seemed preoccupied with her own problems, squashed between Timmy and Brinker, the smelliest guy in school. Tegan's best bet was the seat next to Laura.

Laura made sure the coach's face was buried in his sports magazine before passing Tegan a note.

Was Laura crazy? If they got caught Coach Met would pummel their puny bodies to a pulp. She opened the note. _Hi. _Hi? She was risking her life for _hi?_

_Hi_, she scribbled back in response and after a moment's hesitation added, _what happened?_

_Sara's a bitch_, was the simple reply.

_You're telling me._

_She had the audacity to say that I'm the bitch and break up with me._

_What?_ The word didn't express all the emotion and confusion she was feeling. _Why would she do that?_

__

I don't know. My best bet is that she's jealous.

_Jealous?_

_She said something about you liking me? Maybe she thought we had a thing. Or maybe she's just crazy._

_Maybe._

_Do you like me?_

_Does it matter?_

_Kind of. I like you too. Now that's Sara's out of the picture . . ._

Tegan stared at the words and looked over at Sara who was inconspicuously pinching her nose and hating her life. _I'm sorry. I don't like you._ She couldn't do that to Sara. And she had no way of knowing whether or not this was all part of some big revenge scheme.

_Oh. That's cool. I guess._

Tegan noted that Laura looked hurt, but she had nothing else to say to her. She folded up the note and put it in her back pocket, out of sight from Coach Met. She focused on the clock. Only five and a half more hours of this.


	9. Chapter 9

**Violate**

**Chapter 9**

Sara's life was officially over. The momster would never forgive her for getting suspended for a whole week. The fight wasn't her fault. She didn't even retaliate. Laura was the only one who should've gotten in trouble. Sara and Tegan were both innocent. Sara wasn't even sure how Tegan was brought into the whole mix, but for some reason she was suspended too.

Home was the last place Sara wanted to go at the end of the day. A few more hours of detention would've been welcome in place of facing her mom. The school was sure to have called both their parents and Sonia was sure to be hotter than the fancy dinner she was supposed to cook for the visit of her new boyfriend tonight. Sonia had been pressuring Bruce to properly meet her children for weeks. Sara getting suspended on the night she had finally guilted him into coming would go off worse than usual. Sara Quin had no plans of coming home for a long while.

Tegan was safe with their father, and Sara decided that this was no longer fair. Why did she have to live with the bad cop when the option of staying with the good cop was open? She found Tegan at her locker and stated simply, "I'm walking home with you today."

Their father's apartment was in close proximity to the school, it was unnecessary to rid the bus there. The walk was cold, but not as cold as the icy barren of their mother's heart. Tegan wasn't talking to Sara, but she wasn't objecting to Sara's presence either.

The warmth of the apartment was almost as inviting as the protection it promised.

Tegan immediately went to the answering machine. A flashing, neon red number one alerted them that they had one new message. She pushed the button, releasing the voice of the school's receptionist. "Hi. I'm calling from Crescent Heights High to inform you that -" Another button was pressed and the answering machine's own mechanical voice took over. "Message deleted."

"Smooth," Sara complimented.

"Why didn't you go home and do the same?"

Sara laughed. "I didn't think to. You're the smart one."

Tegan took off her coat and threw it on the counter. Sara took off her own, grabbed Tegan's, and deposited them both in the hall closest where they belonged. The coats made a scratchy sound as their slick surfaces brushed against each other. Sara grimaced at the noise. It reminded her of nails on a chalkboard.

Tegan sat on her beloved window seat, humming a sweet, unrecognizable tune. Sara took her own place on the bed. The dull green covers were rumpled and creased. Tegan hadn't bothered to make her bed this morning. Sara debated asking Tegan if she would mind if she moved in, but decided against it knowing Tegan's answer would be a very strong 'yes'.

Tegan's fingers itched for her guitar, but there were more important matters at hand. Curiosity overwhelmed her. "What exactly happened?"

Sara played with the threadbare hem of the blanket. "I broke up with Laura," she said with a kind of satisfaction.

"Why?" Laura had already told her the reason, but both sides of the story are always necessary, especially when one reason is 'she's a bitch.'

Sara shrugged. "I just don't like her anymore."

Sara's answer was much more passive than Laura's, that's for sure. "Laura said you called her a bitch?"

"So she told you about it?"

Tegan remembered the vague account. "Not really."

"There's not much to tell." Everything had happened so fast, and Sara didn't feel impacted by the events. Had Laura not screamed at her this morning, it would've been pretty easy for her to forget about it.

Tegan drummed her fingers against her jean-clad kneecap. Her guitar was a mere four feet away. It called out to her like a bad conscience.

"What else did she say?"

"She asked me out."

The news wasn't surprising. She expected Laura to do as much. Apparently their relationship hadn't meant much to her either. Laura acted like she was stricken when it happened, but she sure rebounded fast. At least Tegan would benefit. "I'm happy for you." She tried to say it sincerely, but she felt so glum. Did she really want her sister dating Laura? Sara shook the thought from her head. If that's what Tegan wanted, then Sara would support her.

Then Tegan dropped the bombshell. "I didn't say yes."

Sara's head shot up. Her nails clawed at the bedspread. She met Tegan's eye. "What?"

"I said no," Tegan repeated.

Sara stood up, her surprise making her less sedentary. She was baffled. "Why?" Tegan shrugged. "But I thought you liked her."

"Feelings change."

Not when you've been admiring someone from afar for months. Not when you lie awake at night thinking about them. Not when you're jealous of your sister for dating them. Tegan had admitted to doing all these things. Sara knew the real reason behind this. Tegan was being irrational and she had been ever since . . .

"We had sex one time! You can't throw away everything because of it! You like Laura, and she likes you. Get over it and be happy already!"

Tegan cringed at the words. It was the first time either of them had verbally acknowledged the fact that anything had happened between them. Now that it was out in the open it seemed dirtier, more wrong than it had before. The air went stale, not because neither twin was speaking, or even breathing efficiently, for that matter, but because the abominable words had the ability to sour more than just Tegan's thoughts.

"That's not it," Tegan denied. Her voice was no louder than a whisper.

"Then what is it?" Sara's tone was louder, more aggressive.

"I don't want to talk about it!"

Sara closed the distance between the two. Her thighs smashed against the rail of the window seat as she leaned in to get even closer to Tegan. "We have to talk about it!" She was literally yelling in Tegan's ear. She lowered her voice as she looked into Tegan's eyes. She saw the intangible fear and hatred all solidified into the small, bright orbs. "It was a stupid mistake, Tee. You can't let it govern your life." Pity encased her heart at the sight of her broken twin in front of her.

A tear fell from Tegan's cheek, but she wasn't quite sure which of her jumbled emotions had caused it. "Fuck you," was all she could manage.

Sara ignored the words, aware they were brought out by Tegan's insecurity. She tenderly sat down next to her sister. Tegan took it as an invasion of her personal sanctuary. She sprang from her seat like Indians from their village as the white settlers raided their land, on horseback and guns drawn. She fled to the safety of the wall, her back to Sara and her forehead pressed against the cool plaster.

Sara's heart sank. She got up and approached Tegan slowly as if she were a wild animal. A tear welled in her eye too. "I just want to help." She tried to sooth Tegan by placing an arm around her waist.

Tegan pushed her away in one violent shrug. "You can't help! You're the problem!"

Sara was getting fed up with Tegan. She had apologized countless times already. She'd made it clear that she was sorry. What more did Tegan want? "It wasn't all my fault, you know. It takes two."

"I. Didn't. Have. Sex. With. You," she said through clenched teeth.

"Yes, you did."

"No!" She slammed her fist against the wall and whipped around to face Sara. "I didn't do anything. You made me do it."

The accusation was foreign to Sara. Tegan made it sound like she'd . . . raped . . . her. "But you agreed."

"Only because you convinced me!" The tears were coming hysterically now. "I didn't know what I was doing! You're the one who suggested it." She let out another sob. "Who suggests to have sex with their sister anyway? I don't care what the reason is. You've got to be a sick fuck to want to have sex with your sister."

Sara let the validity of the words sink in. Tegan was right; normal people don't have sex with their siblings. They don't enjoy it. They don't savor every moment of it as it's happening. They don't get wet at the thought of going down on their sister.

Sara did.

But the people who enjoy it, don't feel guilty when the think about it. They don't regret it.

Was Sara really some 'sick fuck'?

Sick fuck or not, she was Sara and no matter how disturbed, broken down, or startled she was, she could still fight back. "You let me do it." Tegan was equally as responsible for what happened as Sara.

Sick was the perfect word to describe her. All of her life normalcy had been just out of reach when all she really wanted was to fit in. No one - or, perhaps, she - had never really gotten over the fact that she was a twin. Over the years this problem became less persistent, and as soon as her life seemed to be going well, all hell had broken loose inside of her. Homosexuality was most definitely not the norm. It was shunned and scorned. Why did it have to happen to her? And as if God himself were punishing her for her gayness, she became inflicted with an attraction even more taboo: incestuous feelings towards her own sister. None of it seemed fair. Tegan didn't' even want these things.

And she wasn't going down without a fight.

Still dazed, Sara let herself be pinned to the wall by a now pugilistic Tegan. She barely even registered the angry words Tegan hissed.

"Do you know what you did to me? Do you know how you made me feel?" She blamed Sara for how she felt. None of these sick thoughts had crossed her mind until Sara had insisted on going down on her. AN irrational part of her brain believed that Sara had devised the plan to make Tegan fall in love with her, and Tegan's emotions were on high. Irrationality and hormones seemed to go hand in hand.

Tegan pushed her further into the wall. Her own stomach was crushing against Sara's and Sara winced a bit at the pain of their jutting hip bones colliding. Tegan snaked a hand between them and down past the band of Sara's boxers, cupping the warm mound in her hand. "Is this what you want?" Sara cursed herself as she felt an all too familiar wetness growing in her core. Tegan slipped a finger between her folds, diving into the slimy wetness. "You disgust me," she said at the discovery. She plunged the finger deep inside Sara and without hesitation added another. As Tegan began relentlessly pumping her two digits in and out, Sara groaned in frustration, sexual and otherwise. Tegan pressed her thumb to Sara's clit, eliciting another, louder groan from Sara. The friction was more than enough to keep Sara going, but Tegan insisted on shoving a third finger inside her tight, already too-stretched cunt.

The pain was overridden by the pleasure, but was still present and definitely would be tomorrow too. "Tee. Please," she begged, hoping Tegan would soften up a bit.

"What's wrong, Sara? I thought this was what you wanted." She finished the sentence with a particularly hard thrust, her hips aiding her in momentum. Sara moaned again. "Come for you sister, Sara." She curled her fingers, hitting Sara's most sensitive spot. Sara felt her stomach clench and her walls pulsate as her insides seemed to liquefy and run into Tegan's palm. She rode out her orgasm, and Tegan slid out of her in one quick, jerky motion. Sara sighed as her overwrought pussy seemed to return to normal size.

They stared at each other for a while, Sara's red, puffy eyes boring into Tegan's glossy ones. "I hate you," Tegan sputtered before finally releasing Sara from her man-made prison. Sara shoved her farther away. Tegan's back hit the dresser with a light thud.

Sara let the first of the tears fall as she made her way to the door. "I hope you're happy," she whispered, latching on to the door handle. She spoke the words to the wooden door's knots, unwilling to let Tegan see her tears.

Perhaps dinner with Mom and Bruce didn't sound so bad after all.


	10. Chapter 10

**Violate**

**Chapter 10**

It was 1:30 on a Friday afternoon, and Tegan was bored. She thought a break from school and its inhabitants would be beneficial. Granted it was quieter, it was not as peaceful as she hoped it would be. Yesterday's actions replayed in her mind. There were so many things she regretted doing. She tried to forget about it, push everything to the back of her mind, but she found this hard to do when there were no distractions around. She'd played her guitar until her calluses started to feel it. She'd tried writing, but her mind was too unfocused and preoccupied to produce anything worthwhile. There was no one around tot talk to. Everyone was still in school or at work. It had been twenty minutes since she'd last seen a car drive by or a person walking down the street. The world outside of everyone's daily routines was deserted except for herself, Sara, and Laura, and she didn't particularly want to talk to either of them.

Yet less than five minutes later, Tegan found herself answering a phone call from none other than Laura. She spoke to her in an oppositional manner, excited but annoyed at the same time. They quickly found out that they didn't' have much to talk about. They'd been so distant with each other this past week that neither knew much about what was going on with the other. Despite sharing a common bond in Sara they weren't in sync anymore. They'd already discussed the fight in detention, and the matter seemed too trivial to Tegan for her to pry further into it. She wasn't Sherlock Holmes. What did she care about the hidden details of their relationship?

Laura didn't know what else to talk about either. Tegan seemed different somehow. Her personality had done a complete 180. Lately she hadn't been the happy, care-free Tegan she'd known for the past couple of years. They were best friends, but she hadn't seen or talked to Tegan very much in the past few days, and she was starting to get worried. She knew something was wrong, but Tegan was lip-locked. She hadn't mentioned anything to her, and she had a new aura about her that screamed 'stay out of it'. She'd become cold, hard, distant. Honestly, Laura was too scared to bring it up. She shrugged it off, hoping that she was just over-thinking it. Everyone was down sometimes. Tegan would manage to crawl out of this ditch somehow.

They stayed on the phone for a while quiet as mimes. Just the knowledge that the other was there was a strange mixture, one part calming, one part anxious. The silence finally became too much for Laura to bear.

"You'll come to my party tonight, right?"

"Party?" Tegan questioned. "What exactly are we celebrating?"

"The start of the weekend, of course."

Tegan scoffed. "We got suspended. All of next week will be the weekend for us."

"But it's not for everyone else," she pointed out.

"I don't -"

"Please?" she begged. "My mom's ticked off at me. I just want to relax, and I want my best friend there with me. "Please?" she pleaded again as soon as she sensed Tegan's hesitation on the other end of the line.

Tegan sighed. "Alright," she agreed, a plan for sneaking out already formulating in her head.

Normally, sneaking out wouldn't be a big deal, but she'd maligned her way out of school today. Her dad would be extra attentive to her once he came back. He'd almost stayed home from work completely, but Tegan insisted that he didn't need to worry. Still, he was the epitome of a loving parent and was sure to do anything to make Tegan more comfortable. When they were sick as kids it wasn't uncommon for him to check on them in the middle of the night to see if they needed anything. If he decided to go back to his old ways, there would be nothing preventing him from discovering her absence.

And, of course, there was always the threat that her mom would call to talk to him about their daughters' suspensions. She'd avoided the confrontation with him so far by deleting the message from the school, but the same message had successfully reached Sonia. It was only a matter of time before Stephen found out too.

All Tegan could do was pray her mom didn't call today, and her dad knew well enough to respect a teenage girl's privacy.

At 5 o'clock sharp when she heard the front door open, Tegan sprang from her seat to her bed in one leap like an Olympic pole vaulted. The mattress was so old that it squeaked and strained even under her light weight. She threw the duvet on top of her haphazardly then attempted to straighten it out a bit. She buried one side of her face in her pillow and tried to look as sick and sleepy as possible.

True to his paternal nature, the first thing Stephen did upon arriving home was check on his daughter. She was under his care now, and he was more than glad to have that responsibility placed on him. For years he rarely ever saw his daughters, at least not as much as some fathers did. He was glad Tegan was living with him. It made him feel completely, like even though he left their mother his children still wanted him as apart of their life. He would do everything in his power to make sure he was a good dad. Really, he had more to prove to himself than anyone else.

Tegan appeared to be sleeping, and he was reluctant to wake her, but he saw her stir and figured it would be okay tot talk to her. He sat gently on the edge of the bed and placed one huge hand on her forehead. "How are you doing, Honey?"

Tegan groaned as if just awakened. She put on her best daddy's -little-girl voice, attempting to play the sympathetic card. "Tired."

Steven frowned. The last thing he wanted was his flesh and blood to feel miserable, which Tegan obviously did. "I'm going to make dinner. Eating will help. You can go to sleep afterwards, okay?" Tegan nodded. Stephen kissed the side of her head and left to start cooking. _Poor Dad _Tegan thought. Acting wasn't' her strong suit, but he'd managed to fall for her rouse. _He's so oblivious._

She tried her best to look groggy throughout dinner, and she pretended to be so sick her stomach couldn't handle eating. Her dad excused her with half a heaping of spaghetti still left on her plate.

"I'm going back to bed now. I just want to sleep. Don't wake me up, okay? If I need anything I'll let you know." Stephen nodded knowingly and, being a man of his word, Tegan knew he wouldn't disturb her. She was home free.

It was only a matter of waiting before Tegan could get out. Her father had stayed up later than he normally did, liberated by the fact that the didn't have to work tomorrow. Tegan was unsure why, she was so anxious to leave. The party didn't' promise anything except a conversation with someone who knew her well enough to possibly figure out what was going on which Tegan couldn't let happen. It didn't help that that person also had a crush on her. She had once liked Laura too, but that whole period of her life seemed like another lifetime now. If only Laura had liked her before she went out with Sara, maybe Tegan wouldn't have gotten jealous or confused, and they wouldn't be in this mess. Tegan sighed as she heard her father's bedroom door close and waited another twenty minutes just to make sure he was asleep.

Tegan paced herself nicely on the walk. She knew her way to Laura's like a dog knows its way home. She focused not on where she was going but on the breath clouds rhythmically puffing out in front of her. She concentrated on keeping her breaths in sync, seeing how long she could extend the puffs without straining her lungs. It was a good distraction from the cold of the winter night, but Tegan still wished she had a thicker jacket for these seemingly endless, long trips.

Laura was waiting for her on the front steps. As she saw Tegan approach her she smiled and exhaled simultaneously, breath mingling with cigarette smoke in the air. She patted the concrete step next to her. "Sit."

Tegan reluctantly did so. She'd walked this whole way, and now she was being denied the warmth of the house a mere three feet in front of her. The step was chilled by hours of freezing weather. Sitting on it was worse than facing the nipping air itself. She debated standing again or offering to go inside. Her lower half was already cold enough. Her baggy pants trapped the cold air uncomfortably. She made a mental note to start wearing tighter pants. "What's up?" She attempted to sound concerned, but she was still disappointed and uninterested.

"Not much," Laura replied, taking another puff of what Tegan could now see was a joint. "You want a hit?" she asked when she saw Tegan eyeing the homemade cigarette.

Tegan started to reach for it, but retracted her hand and shook he head.

"Your loss." She took another long drag.

There was no sense in sitting out here when they weren't even talking, but Tegan stayed in her place. She tried to pretend the porch light generated as much heat as t he sun, hoping she could trick her body into warming up.

"The good stuff is inside."

Tegan wasn't really in the mood fro drugs tonight, but if that's what it took to get inside she might have to reconsider. "Well, let's go."

She started to stand up, but Laura grabbed her arm and pulled her down again. "Wait. Stay out here with me a little while. Please."

She sounded upset, so Tegan stayed. Laura's arm hooked beneath Tegan's as though she were afraid Tegan would try to leave again. Being linked together like this felt coupley, but it wasn't as awkward as Tegan thought it would be. Laura nonchalantly scooted closer to her, empowered by Tegan nonresistance. Her head rested gently on Tegan's shoulder. Once again, Tegan didn't try to push her away. The warmth of another body was welcome, and the body of the slightly smaller girl seemed to align perfectly with hers. It felt right to be curled up with her, but it felt wrong too. Something was off. Nothing was out of place for Laura, but Tegan discovered the cause of her unease. She looked at Laura and one thought came to mind._ She's not Sara._ She immediately pushed the thought to the back of her mind, once again disturbed by herself.

"Maybe I _should_ help you finish that," she said, gesturing to the joint.

Laura brought the cigarette to Tegan's lips, and she inhaled. Immediately upon exhale she started feeling lightheaded. The effect was exactly what she needed. She became more anxious to get inside, her opinion on drugs completely changed.

"Let's go," she beckoned.

"Alright." Laura flicked the butt of her smoke away to be extinguished by the snow-covered lawn. She grabbed Tegan's hand for support and hoisted herself up from the ground. They made their way inside hand in hand.

Laura led her straight to the kitchen, or, more accurately, straight to the fridge. She grabbed two beers and uncapped them, handing one to Tegan. Tegan gratefully took a sip, reveling in the feeling of the alcohol burning her throat. Judging by the way Laura gulped hers down, this wasn't her first drink. Tegan was amazed at the amount of liquor such a small girl like Laura could consume. One drink was enough to get Tegan pretty tipsy, but it took three of four before the alcohol had any effect on Laura. Combing that with her drug use, and it was no wonder Laura never remembered anything the next day. Long ago Tegan was designated as the person to keep her in check while under the influence and to report back anything stupid she did once she was sobered up.

Tegan wasn't up for this role tonight. Keeping Laura from doing anything she'd regret required that Tegan was in control of herself. Even kind of sober was not something Tegan wanted to be tonight, and she made it her mission to get as fucked up as possible. It was the one night this week she would be able to escape, to get away from the fucked upness of real life.

And as the night progressed she found herself wishing to forget more than Laura did. Before she knew what was happening Laura excused the both of them to her room. In a blurry flash they were on the bed, and Laura was on top of her, and the pressure of lips were on her own. Unaware of what exactly was going on or how it had started, Tegan separated their faces. She tried to tell Laura to stop, but her voice box froze as the face in front of her morphed into an all too familiar one. She was staring at herself. They kissed once more, and upon closer inspection she realized it wasn't herself she was seeing. It was Sara.

Somewhere inside of her she knew that her brain was only playing tricks on her. But as Laura kissed her, she easily imagined Sara was kissing her. As Laura spoke, Sara's voice came out. And as Laura left a trail of kisses down her stomach only to stop at the place between her legs, flashback of Sara going down on her clouded her mind. Actual reality was slipping away from her more and more, and she was glad to let it happen.


	11. Chapter 11

**Violate **

**Chapter 11**

The drinking and the drugs were bad enough, but now her kids were moving out, fighting, and getting suspended from school. What had Sonia done wrong? She had raised them well, and a lot of the problems they had she could blame on the divorce, but lately things were starting to get out of hand. She wanted things to be the way they used to be, she wanted everyone to be happy, and most of all she wanted her relationship with her daughters back. She was determined to fix it, and that process started with re-bonding with Tegan this weekend when it was her turn to have her.

This, of course, was the last thing Tegan wanted to do. There were more important things to do than hang out with her mother. She had conversations to hold, amends to make, and apologies to give, and none of these things involved her mother.

But she decided to humor her. There was no way out of it, and it was a much better alternative than being scolded for her suspension, which, surprisingly, hadn't been mentioned by either of her parents. Tegan sacrificed herself for the day and toughed it out. They spent it watching a couple bad movies and eating junk food on the couch. The worst part was listening to Sonia go on and on about random psychology journals she'd read and the patients she was counseling. Tegan didn't care about any of it,a dn she thought she might become more insane than she already was listening to it. But eventually the torture ended and Tegan was allowed to go to her room after dinner ended.

Relieved, Tegan practically fell onto her bed. The soft, warm, comforting embrace of the sheets immediately relaxing her stiff muscles. She almost passed out right then, but thought better of it and reluctantly left the sanctuary to get in the shower. The warm water felt better on her skin than the bed and upon returning to it she realized just how uncomfortable and unmade her bed really was. She remembered putting new sheets on it and draping it neatly with the duvet before she left last week, even her pillows had been fluffed, but now it looked like it usually did. The sheets stale, the covers strewn about, and the pillow with a large indent the size of her head. Someone had been sleeping here while she was gone. As soon as she laid her head down on the pillow and realized just how perfectly her own head fit into the indent, there was only one explanation: Sara had been sleeping here instead of in her own room.

The thought wasn't an unpleasant one, but it brought her mind back to Sara and the other night. She wanted to tell her that she was sorry, that she went too far and regretted every moment of it, and she wanted to let her know now. This urge took over her. All she wanted to do was make everything right again, to make Sara love her again, and she would do something to make it happen. That included sneaking out of the unspeakable palace in the middle of a winter night to take a forty minute walk to her father's apartment where Sara would surely be resting in the same bed she had slept in for the last week. This thought gave Tegan the determination and motivation to complete the walk without turning back or freezing to death. The butterflies in her stomach made her feel warmer than the sun's rays ever could, and this warm, anxious feeling followed her into the apartment long after the cold was gone.

How could she not be nervous? Sara was here, and there was no telling whether or not she would take her back, but she at least had to try.

She took a deep breath, preparing for whatever was to come before softly pushing open the door to their room. It squeaked lightly, but Tegan was able to stop it ajar with her hand before it emitted too much sound. The gap created was just large enough for Tegan's small frame to squeeze through. She closed the door again and moonlight became the only illuminator of the room. Sara's sleeping body was laying in a heap under the covers. Tegan couldn't help but smile as thoughts of them in scrunched together in the womb seeped into her mind. She tiptoed to the bed and crawled on top of Sara, a knee on either side, straddling her. "Sara," she whispered as loud as she could. "Sara, wake up." She gave her sister's face an encouraging tap and exclaimed again, "Sara!"

Sara woke with a jolt, screaming as she noticed a figure atop her. She threw her captor off the bed and they landed with a loud thud. She jumped out of the bed and grabbed the first thing she found to use as a weapon, a lamp.

Tegan was in slight pain, but she was able to mask it long enough to spring to her feet and clamp a hand over Sara's mouth. Wet, muffled screams reverberated against her palm. "Sara, calm down! It's me! It's Tegan!"

Sara was released from her grasp. "Tegan? What are you doing here?" Tegan was thankful she was whispering now.

"I came to talk."

Sara put down the lamp and glanced at the clock. "It's almost two in the morning!"

"I couldn't wait."

Sara sat on the edge of the bed, her heartbeat finally starting to slow down, the shock wearing off. Tegan sat next to her, a little too close for Sara, so she scooted over a few inches, stopping only because the edge of the bed dropped off to dark oblivion. Tegan noticed, and she coaxed herself ot hurry her purpose.

"Sara," she started, but no words came out.

Sara's head was clear of sleep and adrenaline at this point, and she was eager to now exactly why Tegan had woken her up in the middle of the night. "What the fuck do you want, Tegan?" she asked, irritability seeping through her words.

"I - I wanted to say I was sorry."

Sara scoffed, her head developing a slight side-to-side swishing motion.

"I'm sorry for what I did. For everything," she elaborated.

Sara continued shaking her head. "What makes you think I'd accept your apology?"

Tegan's face slowly sank. "I'm sorry, Sara," she persisted.

"You never accepted my apologies. Why should I accept yours?"

"Sara." She was dumbfounded. She shook her head violently, ridding herself o f all thoughts of Sara's disbelief. She placed a hand over her chest and made sure Sara was looking her in the eye. "I'm sorry, okay. I - It was tough - it - everything is just really hard for me right now, okay. I'm still not sure about," she exhaled loudly, "a lot of stuff. But I'm sorry for what I did to you. I'm sorry for not believing you. I'm sorry for ignoring you. I -" Sara had lowered her gaze to her lap, and Tegan attempted to bring her back by placing a hand on her knee. "I love you, Sara."

Sara flinched at first the contact then the words. Part of her wanted to bash Tegan wit the lamp again and tell her how stupid she was. Part of her wanted out of there, away from Tegan, away from any kind of confrontation. And part of her was ecstatic, eager to forgive Tegan, tell her the love was mutual and make things go back to normal. Conflicted, Sara was unable to move.

A tear formed in Tegan's eye. "Sara," she pleaded again, bringing her hand to Sara's shoulder and spinning her around so they were face to face.

The sight of her sister's tears made Sara start to cry too. They looked at each other for a moment, silent, cheeks wet, eyes red, thinking. Sara tried to calm herself down, taking a deep breath before speaking to make sure her words came out articulated and calm. "Tegan, I don't know what to do. " She thumbed a tear away. "You hate me one minute, you're depressed the next, and then you act like everything's fine. I can't read you anymore. You're not predictable. I can't tell what mood you'll be in the next time I see you. Just stop being so bipolar already."

"I understand what you're saying, but I'm just as confused as you are. I have all these emotions and feelings, and I don't know what to do about them. I don't want to have them, but they're there. I'm lost, and I'm scared. Tegan kept crying while Sara couldn't do anything except feel bad about herself and her own conflicting emotions. Tegan wiped her nose with her sleeve. "But I really do care about you Sara."

A particularly painful sob came from the younger twin at the words. It was nice to hear that Tegan cared about her as much as she did Tegan, but part of her was unwilling to accept this as the truth after Tegan's behavior towards her. She knew that putting everything behind her would be the best thing to do and the only way to mend their broken relationship, but it was easier said than done. It would be hard to bring down her protective wall, admitting that Tegan had won and bringing the true nature of their relationship to the surface. Neither was willing to accept or deal with the feelings they had for each other now, and actually showing them would be far too painful. That's why Sara opted to take a way out of the conversation.

"Tegan, I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm tired. Let's just sleep on it."

"Sara, we have to talk. We need to talk."

Sara folded back the covers, climbing into the space between them and the bed. "Not right now Tegan." She rolled over on to her side, her back facing Tegan.

"Why do you deflect everything?" She placed a hand on Sara's side.

Sara swatted the hand away. "Don't fucking touch me Tegan. Just go to sleep. I'm not in the mood to deal with you right now."

Tegan was silenced. Her heartbeat was the only sound in the room and every time it pumped a wave of pain was brought with it. After a moment of deciding whether or not she should press on, she complied with Sara's demands, carefully crawling in the bed beside Sara an shutting her eyelids, attempting to fall asleep.

"Get the fuck out of my bed, Tegan."

She was on the opposite side of the bed, a good two feet away from Sara. Tegan's mouth opened in protest. "But I'm not doing anything."

"I don't care."

"Sara, I promise I'm not going to pull anything.:

Sara refused to look at her sister even as her tone became more strict. "Tegan, get out."

"No." Sara wasn't going to win this battle without a fight.

"Fine." She pushed the covers off her and rolled onto the floor. "I'll sleep on the floor."

_Who's bipolar now?_ Tegan thought. Why was Sara acting like this? She had apologized countless times. What more could she do? She was exhausted. She wanted to quit, but a few minutes later the fight in her had recovered somewhat.

"Sara?" she called, but there was no answer.


	12. Chapter 12

**Violate**

**Chapter 12**

Sara woke at 7:30. She briefly wondered why she was on the floor, freezing her ass off, but then she remembered what happened last night and she felt like an idiot for not grabbing an extra blanket or even a pillow to sleep with. She stood up awkwardly and placed a hand on her lower back. The floor was more uncomfortable than she remembered it. She looked at Tegan, still asleep in the bed and was slightly envious of the warm, comfortable cocoon of blankets she'd made for herself.

Sara was in desperate need of a hot shower, so she collected some clothes and hauled them to the bathroom with her. The goose bumps on her skin were immediately alleviated upon stepping under the hot stream. The constant headache Tegan seemed to produce every time she was around was also gone now.

As she went back to the room she was unsurprised to find Tegan gone, escaped for home she figured, and she hopped she wouldn't have to see her again for a few days or at least until tomorrow. She felt bad about what she was putting Tegan through, but she needed a break. Every time Tegan was anywhere around her there was drama. After last night's confrontation she could do without another similar episode for a while, so when she saw both Tegan and her father in the kitchen, her heart beat faster and sank ever so slightly.

"Tegan's coming to breakfast with us," Stephen explained as she saw the confused look on Sara's face.

"But shouldn't she be at Mom's?" She hoped Tegan would get the hint and leave, but Tegan didn't react at all.

"She should, but I found her on the couch after I got up, so she's coming with us."

Found her on the couch? What was she, a stray puppy you just couldn't bare to leave scrounging for scraps in an alley?

"She still won't tell me why she's here," he said looking for his keys.

"I'll tell you at the diner," Tegan promised.

Stephen found the keys in none other than his own hand. He blushed and hoped no one had noticed his moment of stupidity, quickly adverting everyone's attention to the car.

It was the same boring meal on a same boring Sunday. Sitting at the diner both twins could easily forget that anything had changed at ll. They had been coming here with their father since they were eight. It was nice to know that at least one thing would always stay the same.

Stephen seemed more cheery than usual despite the impromptu visit from his daughter. This lighter mood made Tegan feel comfortable with sharing more of the truth, confident that he wouldn't get upset. "In case you're wondering, I ran away from Mom's." She sounded cocky, almost proud of herself.

"What do you mean 'ran away'?"

Tegan took a big bite of her omelet and acted like she genuinely enjoyed it for once. "Well, I didn't really 'run away'. I would just rather be here is all."

Stephen pondered this while munching on a piece of toast. Tegan's new attitude and sudden interest in him was something he could deal with. He was more worried about what his ex-wife thought of it all. He mentally cursed himself for not calling before they left and letting Sonia know that Tegan was safe with him. She was sure to be overreacting to her daughter's disappearance. He took another bite. What was done was done. He couldn't go back and stop Tegan from leaving. He'd call Sonia after breakfast was over.

"Why don't you like living with your mother?"

Tegan shrugged. "It's just better with you."

"But you have a life over there," he objected. "I hate to admit it, but she was the one who raised you most of the time. I wasn't really around as much."

Tegan exaggerated a frown. "Are you trying to say you don't want me here?"

Stephen chocked and gestured wildly. "No! No! That's not what I meant. I'm glad you're staying with me, but I have to ask, why?"

"Because I love you, Dad." Stephen's eyes widened as Tegan leaned across the table and wrapped her arms around his neck in a loose hug.

Sara laid her head on her arms. Apparently their dad didn't see through Tegan's charade like she did. At a young age Tegan mastered the art of softening up both of their parents for her benefit. She was their baby. All it took was a bat of her eyelashes and a simple "I love you" and they were putty in her hands. There was no doubt Tegan was recruiting Dad to her side to help her face an angry Mom. Sara shook her head, marveling at the fact that even after years of being manipulated they still fell for it every time.

Stephen smiled lightly and Tegan released him. He went back to eating and his interrogation. "How did you get in?"

"You have a spare key in the decorative plant, remember."

"Oh. Right." He was getting old. He cursed himself for asking yet another stupid question, promising himself that the next would be better. "What time did you get there?"

"It was really early, before Mom got up." Not a complete lie.

Stephen nodded. His theory of Sonia being completely oblivious had been proven correct. "You must really want to be here. I didn't even think it was possible to get you up that early."

"I didn't want to miss such a delicious breakfast." She shoveled more of her omelet into her mouth.

Sara sipped her coffee, not even caring that it was lukewarm by now. It was going to be a long day, and her daily cup was the one thing that would get her through it.

By the time they got home Tegan had their father all buttered up and ready to go. It wasn't a surprise to any of them to find six messages, all from Sonia, waiting on the answering machine. With each one she repeated herself. "Tegan not here! Is she with you? Have you seen her? Do you know where she is? Does Sara know? Please call me if you find her. My poor baby!" She was frantic, panicking. It was only a matter of time until the police became involved. Sara and Stephen both gave Tegan a look that asked 'Why would you do that when you know how she would react.' Tegan shrugged, not regretting her decision.

Stephen dialed the number and braced himself. He stiffened as the phone was picked up on the first ring. Immediately Sonia's rushed, anxious voice blasted out of the speakers. Stephen winced and brought the phone away from him, protecting his sensitive ears, and allowing the girls to hear too.

"Stephen! Did you find her?"

"Yes, she's here with me. Stop worrying."

Sonia exhaled. "Thank God." Relief was present in her voice. "Why is she with you."

He looked at Tegan. "She wanted to be here."

"Did you pick her up?" Her tone shifted from relief to anger.

"No. She must've taken the bus. I had no idea she was coming," he defended himself.

Everyone in the apartment was silent as they waited to see how she would react.

"She's safe?"

"Yes."

"And she's not hurt?"

"No, no," he assured her. "Everything's fine. We're all fine. All she did was go to breakfast with us."

"Well, she's coming home."

"No, I'm not," Tegan objected. Stephen prayed that Sonia hadn't heard.

"That's fine. Come get her."

"No. Dad!" He clamped a hand over Tegan's mouth, silencing her complaints. Sonia would be livid if she heard and no one really wanted that.

"I'll be there," she stated obliviously. Stephen sighed as they both hung up.

"You're going home," he scolded her.

"No, I'm not," Tegan stood her ground.

"You're mother's worried and pissed, and there's no reason you shouldn't be with her. She wants to see you too, you know."

Sara sided with him. No matter how much Tegan didn't want to be with her, their mom still had rights.

Tegan sulked, sitting on the couch and formulating a plan. Their mom would be here in a matter of minutes. She had to think fast.  
It wasn't long before they heard a knock on the front door. Each of them prepared themselves for the storm to come. The first thing Sonia did was wrap her arms around Tegan, making sure that she was safe. "Why did you leave like that without telling me?"

"I wanted to see Dad." She wanted everyone to know where she stood on the matter.

"You couldn't wait another day?"

"Yeah. What's another twenty-four hours?"

Tegan looked to her sister. "Well, honestly, the real reason I came was to see Sara."

Sara's ears perked up at her name being mentioned for the first time since this conversation started.

"Well maybe if you hadn't moved in the first place you could see Sara all you wanted," Sonia mumbled.

She hadn't meant for her to, but Tegan heard. "Or maybe she should just move here with me."

Sonia and Sara's faces mirrored the other's shock. "Do I get a say in this?" Sara spoke up.

"Can't she move here?"

Sonia pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. She was starting to get a headache, and Tegan was just complicating things further. "Tegan. No. Drop it." She wasn't letting her other daughter be taken away too.

"Tegan your mom's right. She has legal custody of both of you and she will see both of you. That means you go to her house on the weekends whether you like it or not."

"Fine. I'll go on weekends," Tegan agreed. "But only if Sara goes with me and stays here."

Sonia sighed. This was too much for her.

Stephen threw his hands up, defeated. "Sara what do you want?"

Sara thanked him for asking her opinion. She started to answer, but the words were being sucked back into her lungs as Tegan grabbed her hard around the middle. "Tegan get off."

Tegan did her best impression of a puppy, nailing the eyes and lip quiver. Tell him you'll stay," she said in the sweetest, calmest voice she could muster.

"She tried to extricate herself from Tegan's hold. "Tegan, I-"

"Please, Sasa?"

It was the use of her childhood nickname that broke Sara. Suddenly they were five again, and Sara had to protect Tegan from the older bullies on the playground. She caved. "I'll . . . stay."


	13. Chapter 13

**Violate **

**Chapter 13**

This whole suspension thing wasn't proving to be as bad as Sara thought it would. The break from teachers, friends, homework, and the stress of it all was much needed. She looked at the clock. 10:30 a.m. on a Monday morning and she was watching TV. It was a much better alternative to English class which is where the rest of her peers were at the moment. Instead of reading Hamlet she was reading the TV Guide pamphlet. _Unlucky bastards_, she laughed to herself. She made a trip to the kitchen for a bowl of goldfish crackers, her first meal of the day. Life was good.

The only problem was that she had to wait for Tegan to get out of the shower before she could use the one bathroom the apartment contained. It was Tegan's fault she had to anyway. She'd woken up about ten minutes ago from a very interesting dream about Tegan. She was embarrassingly wet and glad to find that Tegan wasn't laying next to her in bed. She was too worried that Tegan might come back at any moment to do anything about it, so she made her way to the living room, so she could eat a nutritious goldfish breakfast and wait.

Tegan was having similar problems in the shower, but on more of an emotional level than physical. Sara had agreed to sleep in the bed with her last night, and it caused her a severe lack of sleep. She'd been overwhelmed with an out of place excitement that her body was incapable of shutting down. Her twin was just an arms span away. She could reach out and touch her whenever she wanted. Sara wouldn't move from that spot for hours. She was a solid monument of warmth that Tegan could worship without anyone knowing, including Sara herself, fast asleep in dreamland. Tegan made sure of it too, noting Sara's slow, even breathing and overall relaxed body language. She wanted to scoot closer to Sara, but she knew Sara wouldn't have let her unless she was completely unaware of it, so once sleep had been confirmed she inched ever so slightly toward her. It wasn't a creepy closeness. There was no cuddling or contact of any kind, but it was a comforting change being able to smell her scent and feel the warmth radiating from her body. Just watching her captivated Tegan, the way her lips were slightly parted, the gentle wheeze that escaped her lungs in the place of snoring. She was eventually able to force herself into rest and was elated when she woke up in the same spot, face inches away from Sara's.

Her stomach and heart hadn't quite settled down yet and a paranoid fear had crept its way into her thoughts shortly after waking. Had Sara really been ignorant to it all? Does the feeling that someone's watching you switch over into sleep mode too? Sara was asleep when she'd went to bed and when she'd woken up bu5t there was no way for Tegan to tell if she was awake between them. She tried to wash the worry away, relaxing under the shower for as much time as necessary.

But Sara had been oblivious to her twin's newfound nocturnal obsession. She had slept like a baby last night, visions of Tegan dancing behind her eyelids. It was while she was reminiscing about the dream when the phone rang. Normally the only people who called were telemarketers, but Sara needed a distraction to prevent herself from getting anymore worked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi. S - Sara?"

Definitely not a telemarketer. It almost sounded like - "Laura?"

"Hi," she replied sheepishly.

Sara was caught off guard. She wasn't sure if she should yell, hang up, or talk. "What do you want?" She wasn't' in the mood to fight, but she kept her tone strong, defensive. She wanted to sound stern enough that Laura wouldn't pick her apart like a vulcher with a corpse.

"Is Tegan there?"

"Yeah."

"Can I talk to her?"

"No. She's in the shower."

"Oh." All was quiet for a long moment and Sara found herself questioning what to do again. Luckily Laura decided to continue. "Will you tell her something?" When Sara didn't respond she took it as a yes. "Tell her I had a good time the other night."

Sara scrunched her brow in confusion. She was tempted to ask what exactly happened 'the other night', but she had a sinking feeling in her stomach that told her whatever it was wasn't good.

"Tell her to call me when she gets out."

Sara thought for a moment. "No." She hung up the phone without warning. She returned to the couch, laying down this time with her head resting on the arm rest, looking up at the ceiling. She blindly reached for the bowl of crackers, knowing they were still on the coffee table where she left them. Hesitantly she placed on her tongue and crushed it between her tongue and the roof of her mouth, her saliva softening the hard snack enough that it didn't hurt her.

The fact that Laura called Tegan was upsetting her more than it should. Just because Laura was her ex didn't mean her friendship with Tegan was severed. But with the knowledge of their mutual attraction, it was unsettling. Various circumstances ran through her had as response to "Tell her I had a good time the other night,' but only one stuck out. She tried to convince herself that she was exaggerating. She wasn't there, she had no clue what could've happened, but for some reason she had a very hard time believing that she couldn't trust her gut instinct.

Sara heard the water in the bathroom turn off, and a few minutes later Tegan emerged with dripping, freshly combed hair, clean clothes, and minty clean teeth. Tegan felt better, but the queasiness in Sara's stomach worsened. Tegan put her pajamas in the laundry hamper before heading back to their room. Sara followed her with incentive, her basic needs and built up desires forgotten.

"Hey." Tegan tried to play it cool like nothing had happened last night. Sara had a strange look on her face, and Tegan was afraid she knew of last night after all.

Sara sat on the bed and hugged her knees. "Laura called while you were in the shower."

"Oh yeah? What did she want?"

"She wants you to call her."

It wasn't the ideal situation for Tegan. It had been ages since she could remember wanted to talk to Laura. Why she kept her company at all was a mystery these days. But she was relieved that Laura was the reason Sara was riled up. She figured a conversation with Laura in order to keep her secret was an equitable trade off. She probably only wanted to discuss her previous drunken behaviors anyway, or suggest another get together soon. "Can I see the phone?" she asked outstretching her hand.

Sara looked down and was startled to see that she still had the pone with her. She tightened her grip on it, knuckles turning snow white. "No," was her one word answer.

Tegan furrowed her brow. "How do you expect me to call her when you have the phone?"

"I don't want you to call her," she deduced.

Tegan scoffed. "Get over your petty grudges already. I don't care if you're fighting. She's my friend." She wasn't sure why she was defending Laura. She felt hypocritical call her such an endearing term after looking down on her moments before.

Every chance of Tegan getting the phone disappeared, Sara decided. Laura was the enemy, but not for the reasons Tegan expected. "That's not it."

"Then what is it?"

"She said to tell you that she had a good time the other night."

Tegan's face went white as a sheet. Laura wasn't supposed to remember what had happened, and she definitely wasn't supposed to think it was a good thing. It was a stupid mistake, and Sara wasn't supposed to find out about it. "It's not what it sounds like," she defended anxiously.

"What does it sound like?" Tegan needn't be worried if it wasn't' as bad as it sounded, but the wild look in her eye told Sara that she was very worried.

"Sara please don't get mad," she pleaded, hoping that Sara would promise her to not get freak out. She need some reassurance before she said anything.

But Sara knew what was coming and she wasn't happy about it. "Just tell me." She wanted to get this over with, to know if she was right.

"Ok," she submitted, thinking of the best way to put it delicately, deciding that there wasn't a way, and she was better off just putting it out there. "We had sex." Sara cringed, making Tegan's words more alert. "But it was only once! It'll never happen again. I'm so, so sorry."

A fat, bulging tear came from Sara and she wasn't sure if she was crying because she was mad, sad, or too jealous for her own good.

Tegan felt the need to explain further, her sister's silence more torturing than any verbal abuse she expected. "I was drunk. I was really, really drunk and high and, " she stammered on for a bit more before adding. "It was a mistake," and again, "I'm really, _really _sorry."

Sara heard the genuine quality in Tegan's voice and for once she believed what she was saying and that she didn't have to worry about it happening again, but that didn't make her okay with it in the first place. "Why?" she asked.

Tegan sat on the bed, her hands folded in her lap, eyes looking down in shame. She studied a stain on the carpet while thinking of the best way to answer truthfully without giving away too much about the situation and how she'd fantasized of Sara the whole time. "I had a weak moment."

"So you still like her then?"

"No! No. She was the only one there for me then and she came onto me and I was high. I wasn't thinking properly. It didn't' mean anything. She wasn't even supposed to remember."

"_She wasn't supposed to remember_?" Sara quoted crossly. "Just because she's a sloppy drunk justifies what you did? Did you stop to think about anyone else? About how _I_ would feel?"

Tegan opened her mouth to speak, but closed it. Sara was right. She hadn't thought about the consequences. "I'm sorry," was all she could say.

"Fuck you, Tegan. You knew I wouldn't like it." Just the thought of Laura seducing Tegan made her sick to her stomach, not that she would tell Tegan this.

"You don't still like her do you?" Sara sounded jealous, but Tegan hoped it wasn't because of Laura.

"God no! I just don't like the two of you together."

She could stop the conversation here on neutral ground, but for some reason Tegan kept pushing, seeing just how far she could go before Sara would burst. "Last week you said you did want us together."

Sara had forgotten all about that and wondered how such words could have come out of her mouth without her lunch following them. Had her feelings for Tegan grown? "What I really meant was I wanted you to be happy. I thought she made you happy."

"No." You make me happy.

"Are you going to tell her that?"

"Yes. No. Maybe."

"She's old news Tegan." So much had changed. They were at a different point in life, a more important one.

"I know. But she's also an old friend."

"Why does she mean so much to you?" She was tired of Tegan defending her.

"She doesn't," she admitted truthfully, but Laura was one of the last reminders of simpler times, better times, when she felt like a normal person and not a complete freak of nature. She wasn't willing to give up on that side of her just yet even if she was getting more accepting each day.

Sara tossed the phone to Tegan. She caught it, but was so startled she almost hadn't. "Call and tell her that then."

"Okay," she agreed with no intention of leaving Laura behind completely, but she did plan to keep her promise to Sara and let Laura know that whatever they had between them wasn't there anymore and never would it be there again.


	14. Chapter 14

**Violate**

**Chapter 14**

Tegan had called Laura and explained to her that they weren't any more than friends. Sara had been in the room with her when she called, watching her like a school master watches her disobedient pupil. Laura sounded as upset as Sara looked about all of it. Part of Tegan felt bad for being so straight forward and hurting Laura's feelings, but she assured her that they were still friends and nothing had changed between them much to Sara's dismay.

But Laura wasn't taking no for an answer. She had dated the wrong twin, and she was desperate to correct her mistake. She was unsure why Tegan was denying her now after years of lustful, longing looks being thrown her way when Tegan thought she wasn't looking. Then again she wasn't sure why Sara had become so disinterest in her all of a sudden either. Perhaps she just wasn't good at reading people. Was it as obvious to the rest of the world as it was oblivious to her?

She'd been to the twin's apartment a few times before. It wasn't something she did often, it was easier for them to come to her, but on each visit she was always warmly welcomed by the girls and even their father himself. The memories she had here were fond ones, and she didn't hesitate to return after being hung up on in the middle of a very important conversation with Tegan. This visit wasn't likely to be as friendly, but a track record with only one loss compared to numerous wins wasn't bad. She remembered the apartment complex and the number. Her only concern was not being let in. Sara would take no pity on her, but Tegan wouldn't turn her away to walk back home in the cold. Luckily, the elder twin was the one to answer the door. Lady Luck was on her side and she took this as a good sign.

Tegan's face was pale as she entered. She was flustered, surprised to see her, but not in a good way. There was no smile on her face. Even further to Laura's disadvantage, Sara was right behind her with a scowl on her face. One look told Laura that Sara was pissed and poised to pounce like a jungle cat at the first threatening movement she made, whether it was towards herself or her sister. The fighting was past the two of them, or at least she hoped it was. As long as Sara was civil she would be too. She informed Sara of this, and Laura was able to breath easier as Sara visibly relaxed some, but not completely. She still hovered over Tegan like an angry, gray rain cloud, not yet bursting but unpredictable and ready to strike with wet pellets at any moment.

But they all knew the reason Laura was here had nothing to do with her relationship with Sara but with Tegan. In Laura's mind Tegan was hers. The only reason they weren't together was because Tegan was apprehensive about dating her sister's ex so soon after their breakup. She was sure Sara was the only thing holding her back. Her mission was to let Tegan see that it didn't matter what Sara thought about it, if they wanted to be with each other they could.

Tegan assured her that that wasn't the issue between them. She explained that she no longer felt more than friendly towards Laura. To Laura's surprise Tegan kept a straight face while saying all this and she never once glanced towards Sara for prompting or reassurance. What surprised Laura even more was that Sara kept her mouth shut. She was so quiet Laura had almost forgotten about her presence entirely.

Laura was in utter disbelief. Tegan was so serious! Was she truly giving up on her? Them? She thought for sure that it was Sara. They were twins. Perhaps they'd kept any telepathic powers a secret and Sara was still getting to Tegan, influencing her. She suggested that they talk in private, giving Sara a knowing, distrusting look. At first Tegan refused. They weren't exactly in public, and Sara wasn't much of a raucous audience, but after Laura badgering her a few more times, she agreed. If solitary helped her understand then that was fine with Tegan. It was also fine with Sara who, despite Laura's whispering, heard that she wanted to get rid of her. She would have rather listened, but she trusted Tegan enough to continue letting Laura down if she left. Sara comfortably walked out on them and even bothered to shut the door behind her.

The moment Sara left Laura became more desperate. She practically flung herself at Tegan, wrapping her in the most firm, caring hug she could muster, hoping every thought and feeling she had was being telepathically transported to her taller counterpart through the contact. But Tegan pushed her off. A firm "don't" was uttered.

Laura took a step back. She couldn't' remember feeling so rejected. Tegan was hurting her more than her father had when he'd left, but he'd never been there for her, he never cared, Tegan had. She was arguably one of the most important thins in her life now. She looked into Tegan's eyes, searching for any intelligence about her own importance, but no sigh was found. Tegan didn't know how strongly Laura felt, and Laura scolded herself for not letting Tegan know it way before today. She was determined to change that. In a rush of adrenaline, she stood on her tip-toes and leaned forward, softly connecting Tegan's chapped lips to her own moist, pink ones, but the kiss didn't last long. Tegan shoved her away more violently than before. "I said no!"

If today had happened two weeks ago there was no telling just how elated Tegan would be right now. She used to daydream of kissing Laura nonstop. She'd thought about the moment their lips would touch and the mutual love felt instantly in the contact. But now kissing Laura was nothing like that. The sparks weren't there, but a strange reassurance was. This wasn't what she wanted. Laura wasn't what she wanted and now she could safely say that she would have no regrets of not giving Laura a chance. Never would she think 'what if?' She was more sure of what she wanted now than she had been in a long while.

Laura fell back and slumped against the wall, tears smearing her mascara. "You really don't like me, do you?" her voice cracked.

Tegan could only shake her head. She felt no remorse, but she felt inclined to say, "I'm sorry."

Tegan's words were cold, void of emotion. Laura suddenly couldn't stand it. She felt used. She had tried to be nice to Tegan when she was dating Sara, but Tegan couldn't' return the favor when it was her turn to fall head over heels. She realized that Tegan no longer even cared about her. This all seemed like a sick game, and she was the one losing. How dare she let herself be reduced to this, a crying, emotional mess on the floor of her tormentor's room. Tegan was in control, and she was sitting there like a helpless child. The tables would turn. She would quit the game. No longer would she let these sisters dicate her loife. She stood. The tears stopped coming.

"Fine. If that's what you want, I'll go."

Tegan remained calm, keeping her equanimity.

Laura continued, "But don't expect me to come back."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tegan spat.

"It means I'm done. Don't come crawling back to me because I'm not going to be there."

She stormed for the door, but Tegan grabbed her by the wrist. "That's not what I want."

Tegan had been acting weird these past couple of weeks, but this was a new side of Tegan she'd never seen before. She was usually so nice, harmless as a fly, but the grip on her arm was tight. It was starting to hurt her, but Laura refused to show weakness. She could play this game too. "Well obviously I'm not what you want."

She tried to escape again, but Tegan tightened her hold. "I still want to be friends," She reasoned.

In a rage of fury and strength Laura managed to pull herself away from Tegan. "Why would I want to be friends with you after this?"

Maybe because they'd been best friends for the past two years? Tegan used to think she was closer to Laura than Sara. She understood why she didn't want their friendship anymore, but it made no sense for Laura to give it up too. Blinded by confusion and frustration, she was unaware of just how aggressive she was being. She reached for Laura again, but she backed up and a fistful of her purple hoodie was all that Tegan was able to grasp. She'd captured a pocket in her palm, and an object fell out because of the disturbance. Intrigued, Tegan picked it up, a small zip lock bag filled with a light brown plant.

"You're on drugs," she realized.

Slightly ashamed and startled by the accusation, Laura denied it. "I'm not on drugs. I brought that for us. It was supposed to be celebratory, but whatever. You can keep it."

Tegan looked at the bag and wondered what kind of person she'd become when drugs started turning into a celebration thing instead of an escape one.

When she looked up Laura was gone. For once the mouse had escaped the cat.


	15. Chapter 15

**Violate**

**Chapter 15  
**

Laura flew past her so fast that Sara was almost knocked over. In her startled state Sara could see that Laura was angry and crying big, seething tears. She returned to Tegan in a second to see what exactly had happened.

"That didn't look good, Tee." She found herself excited, her heart racing slightly, but she tried to mask it from her voice. Tegan was bound to be upset, though she looked more surprised.

Her voice was numb. "She's gone."

"And she seemed pretty pissed too."

"She's gone?" she repeated with more uncertainty.

"Yeah. I'm sorry Tee."

Tegan nodded, finally accepting it.

She looked Tegan over, trying to read her. Her face expressed surprise and concern, but she was also calm, like she didn't really mind too much. Sara relished in this. It was starting to sink in that Laura might not be around anymore, that she was gone for good.

Then she noticed Tegan was holding something. "What's that?" She reached for Tegan's hand. She held the hand in place as she slowly worked at prying the object from Tegan's fingers. Sara's hand in her own sent sparks through Tegan. She quickly opened her palm to allow Sara access to the weed she had. She was torn between relief and emptiness as Sara pulled away, the drugs going with her.

"Where'd you get this?"

"L - Laura brought it," she stuttered, cursing herself and trying to pull herself back together.

"She just gave it to you?" Tegan nodded, knowing words would fail her again. "Sweet."

Sara wasted no time in going to her desk and peeling a thin strip of paper for a joint. Delicately, she poured the bag's contents on the strip and rolled it up.

"What are you doing?" Tegan asked, eyeing Sara.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm making a joint." She held up her nicely-sized prize.

"Why?" It seemed a bit early for drugs.

"Oh, come on," Sara complained. "I haven't had any of this stuff in forever. You know Laura's been mad at me."

A week without drugs didn't' constitute as forever, butt Tegan kept her mouth shut. "Well don't expect them again any time soon. I think Laura's going to be mad for a long time."

"I know. That's why we might as well enjoy it while we have it."

Tegan disagreed. There were much better things to do at 12:30 in the afternoon, but again she kept quiet.

"Shit!" Sara exclaimed, closing the desk drawer she'd been rummaging through. "I can't find my lighter." She looked in another drawer fruitlessly. "Where's yours at?"

"I left it at home," she lied.

Tegan was a terrible actress. "Tee come on, just give it to me."

"I don't want any of it." She gestured to the joint between Sara's fingers. "I'm not in the mood."

Sara sighed. "Please Tee? This might be the last chance we get in who knows how long, and I don't want to do it alone. Please," she begged. "This is the last time I'll make you do it with me. I promise." She pointed to the bulging joint. "Do you really want me smoking this whole thing by myself. Who gets to take care of me when I get fucked up?"

Like usual with them, whatever Sara said went.

Tegan opened the first draw Sara had looked in and pulled out a purple lighter. The small amount of fluid left inside it sloshed around angrily. Sara's eyesight never was the greatest.

* * *

Half an hour later and another major difference between the twins was prominent. When high, Tegan often became tired and on occasion the endorphins released by the drug sent pleasure to certain southern regions and heightened her desire. Sometimes she felt both, and the presence of a bed became even more dangerous. Having one in their room, she of course laid down, tempted by the soft, cushy pillows to fall asleep.

Being high gave Sara thrills. It excited her, gave her massive amounts of energy. She was pumped up, invincible, capable of doing anything. The high she was on now was even better than her normal one. She had so much energy! More than she had ever experienced before. She chalked it up to pent up energy because of lack of exercise. Karate was her second favorite high, but she had quit. Maybe she should get back in to it. She loved the sport, and, on top of everything, it was good for her health, her self-esteem, and it was a cure for her laziness. She was a brown belt, so close to black. It seemed stupid for her to quit while she was one ranking away from the top. Sure, she held a grudge against her sensei, but she could get a new one, join a different dojo. She just had to train more, get back into shape.

She found herself on the floor doing push ups. _Up, down, up, down_, she coached herself.

Tegan found herself staring at her sister, an automaton, doing push ups for no apparent reason. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Working out," was Sara's strained reply. She could see the 'why' forming on her twin's lips and continued. "I'm going to get into shape. Do karate again." She exhaled loudly at the top of her rep, the way one does when muscle fatigue has started setting in. She forced herself to do another set of five reps before falling to her knees and resting.

"You're good at karate," Tegan said when Sara stopped.

"I know."

Sara laid on her back, brought her hands to the back of her head, and brought her knees up to her chest. Lifting herself up, she began doing crunches, a relaxing break for the muscles in her arms.

Tegan was good at karate too. She and Sara shared the same rank, but she wasn't as good as Sara. Sara loved the sport. She had a passion for it that Tegan never did. Tegan liked it, but she had other things she preferred like her music. When Sara quit karate and forced her to quit with her, she was relieved liberated almost. She had more time to focus on her music.

"Does this mean I have to take karate again too? It was something they had always done together ever since they joined when they were eight.

"Not unless you want to. Just because we're twins doesn't mean we have to do everything together."

"I think I'll just watch." She was used to watching Sara from the sidelines during tournaments. Watching Sara take down the other girls and even the guys, some of them twice her size was much more entertaining than actually participating herself. Often times she and everyone else in the class would stop and watch the star pupil as she worked, sparring with the sensei, or just practicing her heart out. Tegan longed to be able to do this again, to watch Sara move so gracefully yet so powerfully. Something about a strong, athletic woman just . . . turned her on.

The sight of Sara doing crunches in front of her didn't help with her libido. Sara's hands were behind her head, her shirt sleeves pushed up to keep her from getting too hot. The muscular bulges in her arms were still quite present even after months of being sedentary. The few drops of sweat forming on her forehead indicated that this was giving her more trouble than it used to. But still, this was all impressive for Tegan, a sucker for a hot, sweaty girl. Absent mindedly, her right hand found its way inside of her boxers.

Sara focused on her crunches, straining, but refusing to admit defeat so soon. A small whimper from Tegan snapped her out of her zone of concentration. She was stopped in her tracks by the scene in front of her. Her breathing increased and she was glad she had the excuse of fatigue to cover it up. That familiar warm feeling creeped up on her stomach, and she could feel herself pooling in her underwear. She suddenly became aware that the release she had needed that morning had not been achieved.

Before she could think about what she was doing she had crawled to the edge of the bed. "Do you need some help with that?" she was taken aback by the words, unsure of exactly where they had come from, but they felt right spilling from her mouth.

Tegan jerked her eyelids open. Need help? She didn't know what Sara was referring to until Sara propped herself up onto the bed with those muscular arms and gingerly removed the hand from Tegan's pants. An embarrassed blush took over Tegan's face. How stupid of her to start masturbating when Sara was in the room! But the embarrassment was soon flushed away as Sara slowly began unbuttoning her jeans.

Was Sara really dong this? Was Tegan letting her? Was this just a dream? It didn't feel like it. The scratchy fabric of her pants being pulled off her legs was just as annoying as it felt in real life.

Sara brought one finger to the cotton of Tegan's underwear. "You're wet."

Tegan didn't dare respond, move, or even breath with the possible consequence of Sara being scared off, but as Sara hooked the band of her boxers with two fingers and began pulling them down, she couldn't help eliciting a hiss of a breath.

Her top half fully clothed and her bottom half completely exposed, she tensed up, knowing this was real and really about to happen. "Relax," Sara soothed, grabbing a hold of Tegan's hips. She leaned down, getting a whiff of Tegan's sex. Tegan squirmed as she felt Sara's hot breath on her. "Relax," Sara repeated.

Tegan took a deep, rugged breath, and when she was finally calmed down Sara continued to proceed. Using one finger, she trailed the length of Tegan's slit, using two, she parted Tegan's lips, getting her first good look at Tegan's glistening mound. The last time she'd been down here it was too dark to see anything, but now that she could every sense was heightened. Sara was getting more pleasure from this than she had before. Tegan smelled better. When she leaned in and flicked her tongue across Tegan's swollen clit, she tasted better.

Sara hesitated. Everything had rushed to her mind at the same time in a jolt of pure ecstasy. She felt like she would implode.

"Please," Tegan begged.

Sara snapped back, took a deep breath, and cleared her head. Slowly she brought her thumb up to Tegan's button, tracing figure eights more delicately than an ice skater. An approving moan from Tegan encouraged her. She slipped her middle finger inside of her. She began pumping in and out, never losing rhythm with her thumb.

Tegan bucked her hips. "More."

Tegan was tight, virgin tight, but she was wet enough that Sara was able to slip a second finger inside of her without much resistance. Tegan groaned even louder in appreciation. Sara pumped faster, hitting the spot that drove Tegan wild with every stroke.

Sara could hear every breath Tegan took, and soon her own were mixed into the equation. She had soaked through her underwear already, and was getting closer to orgasm herself with every moan that crossed Tegan's lips. Tegan was close. They both were. In a last minute decision, Sara decided that she wanted to taste Tegan when she came. Her tongue replaced her thumb, but she daren't retract any fingers. This was all Tegan needed to be sent over the edge.

"S - Sara, yes, oh god!"

Sara's own orgasm creeped up on her. A small moan broke free from her throat and vibrated on Tegan's mound.

Tegan's walls clenched around her fingers, so she took them out and licked her way down Tegan's pussy, slipping inside and letting Tegan ride out her orgasm as her juices flowed into Sara's mouth. Sara stayed after Tegan was done, lapping up everything she could. Afterward, she licked her fingers, sucking until all traces of Tegan were gone.

She crawled up Tegan's exhausted body until they were at eyelevel. They stared into each other's eyes for a moment. Sara had to make sure that Tegan was okay. She tended to get a little unsettled after bouts like this. For once, no trace of regret was present in any part of Tegan and for a brief moment she wondered if it was because of the drugs. She shook the thought away, knowing that there had to be more to it than that or this would have happened a long time ago. In one small moment of confidence and bravado, she plunged forward, lips puckered, but Tegan saw it coming before she did. She turned her head at the last moment her cheek making contact with Sara's lips. Sara played it cool as if a kiss on the cheek was what she had meant all along, but deep down she found herself hurting more than she ever had before.

Tegan let her heavy eyelids flutter shut, laid her head fully on the pillow, and muttered, "Thanks Sis." before dozing off.

Sara dismounted her sister, and crawled back to the floor where she felt she belonged. She tried to block from her mind what just happend, and she did so by getting back into her push up position. _Up, down, up, down, up, down, up . . ._


	16. Chapter 16

**Violate**

**Chapter 16**

Sweaty and exhausted, Sara walked to the kitchen. She started to open a cabinet to get a glass, but instead she disregarded her manners, turned on the faucet, and stuck her head under it. She lapped at the water like a dog left out in the heat. The water ran down her chin, dripped down her next, and splashed across her cheeks. It was just the refreshment she needed. She pulled away, letting the leftover liquid residue on her face dry, cooling her off faster than sweat every could.

She traveled to the bathroom in a state of sheer blis. She used the towel hanging up on the rack to dry off her face. She glimpsed herself in the mirror and frowned. Her hair was greasy, unkempt. Her dark roots were starting to sprout their way out, a stark contrast to the rest of her bleached hair. But messy or not, she saw it as an improvement from the long, tangled nest of hair that used to belong to her. Her clothes were stained with sweat, and, upon sniffing an armpit, she reeked too. A shower was more than necessary.

She pulled back the shower curtain and twisted both the knobs. She tested the water until it was just the right temperature, not too hot, not too cold. She stripped and groaned in frustration. As the layers of sweaty clothing came off, she felt even more disgusted. It was a relief to step under the water and finally be able to get clean. She ran a bar of soap over her goose pimpled skin, lathers attracting dirt like a magnet. The filth was easily washed away, the suds carrying them down the drain, spinning like a miniature tornado before finally finding its home amongst the drain pipe grime and bacteria. She squeezed the almost empty bottle of shampoo and after a moment of fussing, a gooey puddle plopped into her hand with an unpleasant, airy sound. She kneaded the suds into her locks, massaging her scalp in the process. Afterwards she felt good, cleaner and less upset.

She padded back to the room on bear feet, towel wrapped around her torso. Tegan was still asleep under the covers of the bed. Sara sifted though the dresser, pulling out the necessary clothing she needed.

Just as she stated untying the knot around her bosom, the world went black. Okay, maybe not the world, but as Sara looked out the window, down at the streets and apartment buildings and businesses across from them, she could tell the power was out on at least their whole block of Northern Calgary. _Damn snow storms_. Sara absolutely hated when the power went out. She could survive without most electronic technology, but lights and heat were two things she desperately needed. She'd been afraid of the dark ever since she was little. And although her phobia wasn't anywhere near as bad now as it was then, ( She had no trouble sleeping without a light on, and there was no anxiety of monsters under the bed or anymore panic attacks.) darkness was still a place that she didn't necessarily want to spend time in during broad daylight. She was thankful there was no curtain over the window, the only source of light in their room. It wasn't exactly sunny outside, more cloudy, gray, and freezing, but there was a nice sheet of snow on the ground, and its pure white sheen was bright enough that Sara didn't want to look at it for too long or it would hurt her eyes. But maybe they had just been cooped up in the house for too long.

Heat was the second biggest issue. It was well below freezing outside, and the thin walls of the apartment weren't very well insulated. Without heaters it would be almost as cold inside as outside in no time.

Not to mention that there was little food in the house that didn't require an oven or microwave to cook. And that there would soon be no hot water. (Sara was thankful she took a shower when she did.) And they would need to light candles and find a couple of flashlights that were hidden who knows where that they hadn't used in years and probably needed a battery replacement. And that brought up the issue of whether or not they even had batteries lying around the house anywhere.

Sara wasn't about to do all this work by herself. This was her excuse for waking Tegan up, but she couldn't say that she didn't feel more secure having another alert, living body by her side. "Tegan wake up!" She lightly shook her sister by the shoulder. "Tee!"

Tegan awoke groggily. She was a pretty heavy sleeper, and the drugs only made it worse. It was always unpleasant to be rudely awakened in the middle of a deep sleep. Her brow scrunched angrily and a frown was the only facial expression she was capable of making. Her eyelids were squinted and half shut like a newborn kitten's. She managed to prop herself up on her elbow, but she didn't have it in her to do much of anything else. She saw the worried look on her twin's face but couldn't coordinate her mouth and her voice to ask what was wrong.

But Sara didn't wait for Tegan to fully awaken before she started explaining. "The power went out. You have to get up. Help me find some matches or a flashlight or something."

The words seemed to travel to Tegan's ears in slow motion, and when Sara stopped speaking, she hadn't fully comprehended what she was saying. She turned her head to see the time and exactly how long it had been since she'd fallen asleep, but was surprised to find that their digital alarm clock was off. As was the rightful. And the lights in the hallway . . . "Wait. The power's out?"

"Yes! That's what I just said. Now get up!" She pulled the covers off of Tegan to quicken her pace. She had forgotten that Tegan had not put her pants back on after falling asleep right after Sara had gone down on her. Her bottom half was completely nude. "Maybe you should put your pants back on first."

Tegan noticed for the first time that her sister was only encased in a thin, white bath towel. There was practically nothing separating her from Sara's naked body. She allowed herself to entertain this thought for a moment, but quickly turned her head away and pushed the thought from her mind. She realized that if she got wet Sara would be able to see. It seemed silly to be embarrassed by such a thing, but it wasn't' like they were in a relationship. It was almost like the awkward morning after a one-night stand. Tegan wasn't sure exactly what was allowed and what wasn't. And she had more than enough reason to be ashamed and apprehensive, so she deflected before Sara noticed anything was wrong. "You should get dressed too."

So they followed each other's suggestions. Tegan lazily gathered her wrinkled clothes from the floor then re-discarded her underwear when she realized just how soiled they were. It wouldn't hurt her to go commando for the rest of the day. Sara only disrobed when Tegan was preoccupied. She quickly dressed, hoping to avoid Tegan's gaze, but Tegan was still too embarrassed to look. She wouldn't have looked even if she wasn't. Privacy was important between the twins, and Sara would chew her out for looking and end up giving her a big lecture about personal space.

Sara threw a hoodie on over the long-sleeved tee she was already wearing, already feeling a draft in the house. "I'm going to find some matches. I can't see anything." She stuffed her hands in her jacket pocket and went off on a search for matches, a search Tegan thought, that would surely prove fruitless when she couldn't see in whatever dark crevice the dormant flame sticks were hiding.

Tegan on the other hand had some idea of what she was going to do. She remembered her dad storing a flashlight in his closest after a camping trip. The trip itself was pretty forgettable, and she was surprised she remembered the flashlight when the trip had happened two years ago. There was no guarantee it hadn't been moved, but she figured it couldn't hurt to look for it. In a stroke of luck, she found it, still hidden in the depths of her father's closet right where he left it. The glimmer of the lens was the only indication of its presence, but it wasn't hard to find amongst the organized, if somewhat messy, racks and rows of clothes and shoeboxes. Giving the switch a flick, an inspiring ray of light illuminated the pathway in front of her. Sara would be pleased. Tegan smiled to herself.

Sara was ferociously digging through a kitchen drawer, but it was hard to see what was what. She squinted and moved closer, her face almost in the drawer amongst the various cooking utensils and knickknacks.

Tegan could hear Sara's whispered curses from down the hall. She was obviously having more trouble than she'd like. A mischievous smile formed on her face as an equally as mischievous plot formed in her head. Her steps were slow, careful, quiet like a cat's. Achingly slowly she approached Sara from behind. She crept closer, ten, five, and soon two feet away. She leaned forward. A few inches away from Sara's face she whispered one word. "Boo." Sara jumped and hit her head on the counter. She cursed loudly and clutched the back of her head where an instant throb had formed. Tegan flicked the flashlight to life and directed the beam up from under her chin. The sharp features of her face cast an eerie shadow on her cheeks, under her eyes, and across her mouth, giving her the appearance of a long-faced demon of sorts. An evil cackled followed, booming throughout the otherwise quiet room.

"Tegan, what the fuck!" Sara shoved her with the hand that wasn't soothing her knotted scalp. Tegan backed up into the kitchen table. A chair had knocked her in the calf, but it didn't hurt enough to cause any alarm. Not that she could feel pain. She had sent herself into a fit of laughter, and hadn't stopped yet.

Sara was pissed off by Tegan's puerile antics. She hadn't pulled many pranks since she was a kid, and Sara had no idea what had possessed her to start again now. Drugs couldn't be blamed. The effects were wearing off for her, and the same should be happening to Tegan.

Tegan continued laughing like a hyena, but it wasn't an infectious laughter. Sara was immune to her virus, and obviously not amused by her either. The stern look on her face didn't go away.

"It was a joke," Tegan explained. "Lighten up."

"That really hurt, Tegan." She tried her best to sound mad even though the headache was starting to go away.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry." A last small chuckled was emptied into the room, a parasite leaving its host. N longer possessed, Tegan could speak normally. "Don't be mad. I'm sorry! On the bright side, I found a flashlight." She had to giggle at her own lame joke.

Sara didn't think it was funny. "Yeah. I can see that." Sarcasm dripped through her words.

In order to win Sara's affection and to get back to their original purpose, she shined the flashlight in the drawer and easily found the box of matches. It was the second time that day that she was able to find what Sara couldn't. This explained why she always used to win at Hide and Go Seek when they were kids.

Sara removed her hand from her head and took a closer look at it now that she could see. There was no blood, and she let out a sigh of relief.

"Do you know where any candles are?"

Sara was stressed and Tegan knew it was from anxiety as much as volunteer duty to light the house. She remembered coddling Sara during power outages when they were little. Sara was afraid of the dark and refused to leave her big sister's side. Tegan was the only one with the ability to comfort her, not even their parents could. Tegan was the only one she could trust when it came to her uncertainty, and if Tegan still needed to be there for Sara when she was scared for the rest of their lives, she would be happy to.

"We have a couple of candles in our room. We don't need to worry about the rest of the house right now." She outstretched her palm. "Come on." Instead of taking Tegan's hand in her own, Sra swatted it away. "Don't 'be like that. I'll walk you back to the room." She outstretched her hand again.

"I can walk myself, thank you very much."

Sara crossed her arms over her chest, and Tegan couldn't tell if she was being defensive or trying to warm herself up or a little bit of both.. She didn't object to letting Sara walk without her again, just shined the flashlight down the hall-way so Sara could see.

Sara plucked a match from the box, struck it against the rough sandpaper coating the side of the box, a flame flickered, and the smell of sulfur made it almost impossible to breath without gagging. The two candles kept for decoration on their dresser were lit, and immediately following the small patching of the torch like ceremony, Sara blew out the match and laid it on the dresser to smother the scent.

Sara's body was still tense even after completing her self-appointed task. If anyone else was with them, they might not have noticed, but Tegan noticed immediately when something was wrong with her twin. "You need to relax."

"How can I relax, Tegan?" Nothing was going right for her today. She had to deal with Laura, the electricity went out, Tegan was being immature, and Tegan had refused to kiss her. Admittedly, the kiss was bothering her most of all. Just when it seemed like things were good between them, something happened to ruin their relationship again. Usually it was Tegan deciding that she didn't want anything to do with her after all, and this time had been no different. Sara had been rejected after sex once again. Maybe things between them just weren't supposed to work out this way.

"Well," Tegan started, having the perfect plan in mind. "When I'm stressed or anxious or scared, I sing or write, or play." She clutched her guitar to her chest like a mother with her newborn infant. She sat on her window seat and began to play. It was a new song she'd written, one she'd been meaning to play for Sara.

_Don't think I'll confess_  
_Why would I confess that I_  
_Don't think I'll deny_  
_why would I deny that I_  
_Don't be so hard on yourself _  
_You won't get better till you get worse_  
_Yeah you send a little smile my way_  
_And don't be so hard on yourself_  
_You won't get better til you get worse_  
_Yeah you send a little love my way_  
_and Every second I spend waiting_  
_Drags me closer to this grave_  
_I'm not alone_  
_No, I'm just on my own_  
_And I, it's a little cold outside_  
_Don't think I'll escape_  
_Why would I escape you_  
_Don't think I'll replace_  
_How could I replace you_  
_And don't be so hard on yourself_  
_You won't get better til you get worse_  
_Yeah you send a little smile my way_  
_And don't be so hard on yourself_  
_You won't get better til you get worse_  
_Yeah you send a little love my way_  
_And every second I spend waiting_  
_Drags me closer to this grave_  
_I'm not alone_  
_No, I'm just on my own_  
_And I, it's a little cold outside_  
_And so don't be so hard on yourself_  
_You won't get better til you get worse_  
_Send your love my way_

Tegan's passion was being a musician. Sara knew that she would be a great one someday. She could see Tegan touring the world, having leagues of fans, writing record after record, and singing her heart out night after night. And she saw herself on stage next to her sister. Sara loved playing and singing probably just as much as Tegan, but lately she'd had so much going on that music was the last thing on her mind. But seeing Tegan play reignited that spark in her. Her fingers itched to play again. Notes swarmed like mosquitoes inside her head, and she imagined herself matching each note, harmonizing with the guitar in a melody so sweet that no one could dislike it. She smiled for the first time in a good few hours. "Can I play?" She gestured to Tegan's guitar.

Normally Tegan wouldn't even let Sara touch her guitar. They played and wrote separately, and separate instruments were a part of this deal. Sara didn't mess with her guitar, and she didn't mess with Sara's, but this was an acceptation. Sara didn't have her guitar, and Tegan was willing to do just about anything to cheer Sara up and make her feel more comfortable.

They took turns playing for the rest of the night. The amount of time played by each wasn't split evenly. Sara played far more than Tegan, but this was Tegan's allowance. The way Sara closed her eyes as she stroked the neck of the guitar, the way the pick clenched tight between her fingers crossed over the strings, the way she smiled as she brought her fingers to her nose, savoring the sweet, metallic scent one can only achieve by playing guitar, Tegan couldn't take that joy away from her.

The yawn emitted between them occurred around ten p.m. It was Sara's yawn of course. Tegan had taken a decent nap and was more prepared to tackle a longer day than Sara who had only exhausted herself. Sara wanted nothing more than a cup of coffee to refuel, but with the power still out there was no change of getting one.

Sleep was her best option. She told Tegan she was going to bed but that Tegan didn't have to stop playing if she didn't want to. The gentle music might actually help her fall asleep, but when Tegan's warm body slipped into the bed next to hers, it was more soothing than background music could ever be.

Sara had grabbed at least four extra pillows from the laundry closet and threw them in the middle of the bed, creating a cloud-like mass she could rest her head, shoulders, and upper back on and bury her face in. There was more than enough room for Tegan on these pillows too, so she scooted a bit closer to Sara in order to get to their almost heavenly, serene presence. Usually on separate ends of the bed, tonight the twins met in the middle. Tegan was about as closet to Sara as she'd crept the night before, but this time Sara was awake too, and no funny business was allowed to happen, even though it was very tempting to scoot just al little closer and have their bodies touch. But she didn't dare give in to the desire. At least not until Sara fell asleep.

One can only maintain self-control for so long . . .

Sara was silent. It had been almost ten minutes, she guessed, not having a clock to check for affirmation. With almost no regard for how deep Sara's sleep was, Tegan curled her body into her sister's, almost a spoon, but with less contact. She was instantly calmed, no longer restless even if she wasn't tired. She lost herself in the world of her twin's scent and warmth. She matched Sara's slow, steady breathing. Even their heartbeats were perfectly in sync, rapidly beating and pumping. All the blood was rushing to Tegan's head, or else she would've been able to make the connection that something was off. A sleeping heart rate is slower than a resting one. Sara's wasn't supposed to be as fast as hers. Sara was awake too.

"What are you doing?" They had never slept so close together before, not even in the crib.

The possibility of Sara still being awake never even struck Tegan, so she was surprised when an excuse came out of her mouth calmly. "I'm cold." The excuse was perfect and not exactly untrue. The lie was already started, and to keep it believable she had to play it up, exaggerate it. She wrapped an arm around Sara's middle. She was definitely warmer now with Sara's body heat so exhilaratingly close to her own. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered faster than they ever had before. She was sure that through the thin material of their shirts Sara could feel the beating of the wings pound between them. Tegan allowed herself a snuggle, burying her face into the nape of Sara's neck. If she was going to be discovered she was going to make the best of every moment while it lasted.

"Tegan, get off me!" Whether she was upset with Tegan or not she didn't want her clinging to her.

"But you're warm," Tegan protested, reluctant to let go.

"But I'm not dumb. And you're not cold. Get off."

So Sara saw through her charade, and knew what she had really been up to. She retracted her face and moved it back to the pillow, but kept her arm slung around Sara, daringly refusing to submit.

"Tegan," Sara warned with a low growl. She was close to hitting her she was so frustrated. Tegan had no right to be so intimately close to her when she was denied the same intimacy that very same day.

"I can't even hold you?" The words sounded scandalous even as they tumbled out of her mouth, but it was the question she meant to ask. They'd gotten a lot further than cuddling earlier, and it didn't seem like such a big deal.

"No."

"Why not?" Wasn't she normally the one with the change of heart?

Sara turned over to her other side. They were not face to face. "Don't 'why not?' me. You know why. You wouldn't even let me kiss you earlier!"

The kiss. That's what this was about. She'd almost forgotten it, she'd been so high. Sara had every right to be worked up about it. She just wanted a kiss, and Tegan understood this. But still, she danced around the subject, uncomfortable with it. "We've kissed before."

Looking into her sister's eyes, Sara noticed the shift to sadness in Tegan. Her own emotions couldn't help but mirror her twin's. "We've kissed once , Tee, and that was arguably the worst night of my life." Tegan had walked out on her afterwards. Words couldn't describe the depression she felt just thinking about it.

Tegan didn't want to think about that first kiss and everything she'd felt during it either. She didn't want to think about the kiss they'd almost had today. Kissing Sara was a topic blocked from her mind. The two had had sex, but kissing was different. There's emotion in a kiss, passion. A kiss meant something. Something Tegan didn't want to face.

"Just kiss me." Sara was desperate, on the verge of tears.

Tegan wasn't ready. She just wasn't! She was paralyzed. She couldn't do it.

But Sara leaned in to her.

If Tegan could have ran, she would have. If her body wasn't frozen and she wasn't buried under the weight of two thick blankets, she would've made her escape. She would've gone anywhere as long as it wasn't here with Sara, whose lips were inching closer to hers with every fraction of a second. And there were only so many inches between them.

Sara kept her eyes open as her lips made just the slightest contact with her sister's. Tegan's eyes were wide-open, big and round like a deer caught in headlights. She applied a bit more pressure, trying to signal to Tegan that everything was okay.

But anarchy had erupted inside Tegan. She wanted to cry. She felt nauseous. She needed to hyperventilate. She wanted to leave. She wanted to do something other than listen to her heart pound in her ears.

Tegan wasn't kissing her back, and she hadn't calmed down at all, so Sara pulled away. Something half way between a sob and a quick inhalation of anxious breath came from Tegan. The knowledge that she could still make noises almost empowered Tegan enough to convince herself that she could move. But she was helpless again as Sara snaked a hand behind her neck and began playing with the short, grown-out, brunette locks at the base of her neck.

"Relax." It was her turn to do the soothing.

To Tegan's amazement, she found herself calming down. Sara had found her weak spot and was using it expertly to her advantage. Their advantage, really, since it was Tegan who started feeling much better compared to the moments before. She took a deep breath to calm herself. Her heartbeat returned to normal, and she no longer felt so anxious. Tegan was a dog afraid of lightning storms, and Sara was the caring master, willing to pet and cuddle the dog until the thunder ceased.

"Relax," Sara cooed numerous times. Tegan was relaxed, but she was saying it for herself too. They did nothing but look into each other's eyes for nearly ten minutes.

Confident that Tegan was okay and that she was too, Sara removed her hand from Tegan's neck.. Tegan didn't flinch. This was all the incentive Sara needed to move in for another kiss. This one was firmer, more sure. Tegan's heart stopped for a moment, but as she puckered her own lips and kissed Sara back, it regained its pace.

Sara was in control, and the only way to keep from scaring Tegan away was to keep in control. She nibbled at Tegan's bottom lip lightly, then ran her tongue across it. To this, Tegan opened her mouth, and Sara gently dipped her tongue inside. Tegan tasted better than she remembered, but maybe because this kiss was so different. This time it was an actual kiss. This was to show Tegan how much she felt, how much she cared, how much her sister meant to her. And Tegan was doing the same with her.

Never disconnecting their mouths, Sara crawled atop Tegan, straddling her waist. They kissed more deeply, but soon even that wasn't enough. Sara's hands found their way up Tegan's shirt, splaying across the bare skin of her stomach. They trailed upward. Sara let out a gasp as her hands reached Tegan's bare chest.

Tegan let out a moan and pulled at the hem of Sara's t-shirt. She attempted to pull it off, but the task was harder than she thought it would be under the blankets, so she shoved them off the bed, not caring about the chill that immediately descended upon them. While haphazardly discarding Sara's shirt, their kiss was broken. Sara's hands were still on Tegan's chest, and Tegan moved to apply the same treatment to Sara. Running one tongue over a hard nipple and pinching the other caused Sara to let out a breathy moan.

This was what Sara had been wanting, and Tegan was giving it to her. They weren't drunk, they weren't high, they weren't unimpaired in any way. They were completely sober, acting on their own free will. There was no animosity in their kisses. There was no uncertainty. Only pure bliss consumed them. But with the way things had gone for them before, was it wrong for Sara to think that this time was no different, that all the bad things might happen again? Now, she knew. She knew Tegan was what she wanted. She was happy. She felt complete. But did Tegan feel these things? She had no idea what Tegan wanted. She was a mystery to her, and, now, reading her twin, which used to be so easy, was the most difficult thing to do. It was impossible. She was a completely different person. Everything up to this point indicated that Tegan didn't want Sara in the same way. They were kissing, and everything seemed okay - perfect -, but . . . was it? If Tegan ended up hating her in the morning, she didn't know if she could stand it. She had to make sure that they both wanted this before it went any further.

"Tegan. . ." Her name came out almost as a moan, but there was an urgency behind it that Tegan picked up on.

Tegan pulled away slowly. A string of saliva trailed from Tegan's mouth to Sara's breast before snapping to their opposing sides. "Yeah?"

Sara made sure to make eye contact with Tegan so she would know how serious she was. "Are you sure?"

This was Tegan's last chance. Her last chance to deny Sara. Her last chance of stopping before they did something she would regret. Her last chance to be normal.

"Yes."

Sara didn't think she'd ever heard such a musical syllable.

They were going to do this right this time.


	17. Chapter 17

**Violate**

**Chapter 17**

They spent most of that week in bed. They quickly entered into a routine of wake up entangled in each other's bodies, lay in bed and talk, cuddle and/or have 'good morning' sex, get out of bed, scrape up some kind of meal, shower - together -, get out the guitar, and relax. What incentive was there for them to do anything else? They were living a fantasy out of a romance novel. There was no better way to live than surrounded by your lover night and day, carefree and blissful, not a worry in t he world. But they had to wake up from the dream sometime. All good things come to an end.

And that end was that Saturday. The twins were in for a rude awakening, and not just because they were tired form staying up all night and were definitely not accustomed to waking up so early in the morning. They were ushered out of bed by their father who wanted them to eat breakfast before they left. The place they were leaving to: their mother's house for the weekend. How were they supposed to hide their secret there? They had taken their dad's obliviousness for granted, and hadn't yet had a chance to practice being elusive. Clever, sly, and elusive were all traits they would need to be if they were going to hide this from their caring, observational, therapist of a mother, who knew practically every little thing the twins did, whether she mentioned it or chose to turn a blind eye towards it.

At breakfast Sara was able to sneakily place a hand on Tegan's thigh under the table. The longer she held her hand there the more confident she grew. She began drumming patters first a quiet, simple beat, just far up enough on Tegan's thigh that she could feel each wave travel straight to her center. She progressed up Tegan's thigh, short nails slowly raking the fabric of her jeans along the way until she was at the very sensitive inside of her inner thigh. Spoon still in her mouth, Tegan looked up from her bowl of cereal, giving Sara a devilish grin around the metallic object.

Sara upgraded to drawing, another passion of hers. Tegan's thigh was surely her favorite canvas. She started like a small child would, practicing basic shapes, squares, triangles, and the impossible circle. As that got boring she gave up and picked a new aspiration: novelist. She wrote her own initials and placed her sister's above them. Combining her old passion with her new, she encircled the invisible letters with a heart. She advanced to sentences, writing one short but specific one. She went slowly to ensure that Tegan would be able to read it as well as feel it. She envisioned the small words splayed across Tegan's skin, and she began to trace their contours. As if following a dotted line, the letters came out perfect, symmetrical, as if it was calligraphy. Tegan's mind was drowned in pleasure but it was displaced by infatuation, as she guessed the phrase after the first "o".

_I love you, Sis._

Remembering their father was in the room, Tegan gave him a once over to check that he wasn't seeing any of this. A bagel was suspended in mid-air, halfway to his mouth as he skimmed a seemingly captivating newspaper article. Tegan rolled her eyes. How ignorant he was. But how lucky they were. She turned to Sara, smiling again, and mouthed he four words Sara so desperately needed to hear.

"I love you too."

Brought with the words was a pain similar to being kicked in the gut. She meant the words, but her conscious was still very aware of what the words signified, what they would result in: hatred and prejudice. She was still very aware of the immoral aspects of their relationship. What felt right wasn't always right, and everything pointed out that this was in no way right.

But Tegan smiled on for Sara's sake. She was convinced that she had broken Tegan's shell, released her shackles, and brought her out into the daylight world where everything was sunny and bright and happy and perfect, where there were no consequences and they would be free to express themselves and their love whenever and however they wanted. She was sure nothing could ruin their fantasy. Though Tegan knew things were not perfect, she harbored the information, her smile the cover-up propaganda. Now was not the time to ruin the illusion.

And what an illusion they'd built the last few days. As if they would be able to stay locked in their room together for the rest of their life. They were spoiled on freedom, but without the liberation it was questionable as to whether any of this would have happened. At their mother's house they didn't dare risk any late-night fights, drug binges, or visits to Laura. They never had to pay a speck of attention to each other if they didn't want to, and often times this was the case. They didn't always get along, but they had separate rooms and they had been encouraged from birth to do their own thing and not become co-dependent on one another. Certainly, they would have remained distant sisters at best.

But would their current feelings never have arisen? They had been prompted by an act of affection, but what Sara felt was so strong. More than anything she was sure of one thing, and that was how much she felt for Tegan. Could what she felt so strongly now never appeared in her if she hadn't tried to help Tegan discover herself? It seemed impossible, but maybe the real problem was that she didn't want to admit it. To her their love wasn't a circumstantial thing. There was no one point that could have decided whether or not she loved Tegan. She certainly didn't want to think about the other direction things could have gone, even if a road where they lived happy, normal, healthy lives did sound appealing. She pushed the subject away from her mind and gave Tegan a smile and a reassuring squeeze on the knee before finally brining her hand back to her own lap.

Tegan was high on lust and infatuation and maybe sugar from the cereal. The second the door to their room was shut behind them, her lips were on Sara's. Sara accepted them generously and smashed her own mouth against Tegan's. The kiss was needy and hungry. This was war. They lashed out at each other with their tongues. They expertly dodged with their heads, left and right, perfectly in sync. It was battle of face until Sara suddenly remembered that she had limbs and a torso, all of which she could use to her advantage. Hands springing to life, she grabbed Tegan's thin wrists and held her hands above her head. Her legs took control, pushing both of them forward. Tegan stumbled, her legs made of jelly, but Sara's grip was strong enough to balance her, giving her enough time to catch herself and solidify her bones. Sara's weight forced her backwards. She was planted against the wall with a light thump. A light moan came from Tegan. She secretly loved the way Sara could be rough and gentle with her at the same time.

As much as she wanted to keep going, Sara broke the kiss. If they didn't stop now, they'd never be able to. Tegan whimpered, but she knew that Sara wouldn't pick up her progressive pace again. The sound of heavy breathing was the only one in the room. As their breathing slowed and their heartbeats returned to normal, Sara leaned in for one last peck on the lips. Tegan smiled and Sara released her hands and back away from her.

This was their last secret exchange before they had to leave.

* * *

At least Sonia was excited to see them. Exuberant, she wrapped an arm around each of them and forced them into a group hug of sorts. Sonia was small, but she hovered a good two or three inches above the twins. They reached just above her shoulders, but her grip confined and constricted them like a python. Hunched over slightly, their faces were shoved directly into their mother's respective armpits.

The embraced ended soon enough. Tegan and Sara exchanged looks. Sonia said her dull good buys to Stephen, and the twins were rounded into the car like cattle. They had their normal argument over who got to sit up front with Mom. Tegan caved in like she almost always did, and Sara took her throne as proudly and cockily as she could, but victory was bittersweet today. She wanted nothing more than to squeeze into the back seat with Tegan, entwine their fingers, and rest her head on her sister's firm shoulder. Sara looked into the rearview mirror and smiled to see Tegan staring back at her.

"Safety first," Sonia reminded them as if they were little kids.

Tegan made a funny face in the mirror as she buckled her belt and Sara suppressed a chuckle.

"Sara," Sonia said.

Sara's head whipped around, paranoia coursing through her. Had she seen them? Did anything seem different? Could she tell?

"Put your seatbelt on," Sonia reiterated.

Sara quickly complied, relieved she wasn't in trouble and not in the mood to pick a fight. It was going to be a long ride.

* * *

Sara tossed and turned, not because of nightmares but because she couldn't fall asleep. Perhaps her late nights with Tegan were turning her into an insomniac. She blamed her sleeplessness on the lack of comfort ability. No matter which position she lay in, her body could not relax. It made no sense. She had no trouble sleeping beneath the thread bare sheets on a warn out mattress at her father's apartment, why couldn't she fall asleep here on a much nicer, and cozier bed? Something was missing.

That something, more like a someone, a clone of hers in fact, was right across the hall from her, awake and struggling to find sleep herself. At this point they both knew that they were spoiled. After sleeping together for an entire week, they craved the contact, needed it. Breaking the routine was harder than they imagined.

Even Sara who liked having a bed to herself and hated sleeping the same bed as her girlfriends now wanted nothing more than to lay next to her sister. Tegan was different than all those other girls. They were twins, joined for life. They were born from one egg, spent nine months shoved in the womb together. Closeness was the most natural thing they felt, and when Tegan wasn't right next to her, Sara wasn't able to function properly. The distance soon became unbearable. Anther minute without Tegan was equivalent to another minute in Hell.

She threw off the covers, hopped out of bed, and crept towards the door. She kept it partially open to let a few stray rays of light filter in. The squeak of the door as it swung open was enough for her to worry whether or not anyone else had heard it. The metallic grinding of the doorknob being twisted, and the squeal it gave as it reached its limits, similar to a pig in a slaughter house at this point in the night, would be too overwhelming. Upon entering the hallway she was met with a frightening sight. A shadow stood opposite her. She gasped in surprise, and the shadow did the same. She was aware that there was no mirror in the hallway, but she wondered how the shadow matched her so perfectly, move for move, form for form. None of it made sense until she realized that the shadow was standing right where the door to Tegan's room should be.

"Tegan?"

"Sara?" They said in unison.

They each let out a sight of relief and allowed themselves to laugh a little.

"You scared me to death!"

"I could say the same!"

"I thought you'd never come," Tegan whispered.

"Of course I did." Sara stretched across the narrow hall and enveloped Tegan in a bear hug. They stumbled backwards into Tegan's room. They laughed quietly again and each stepped towards her side of the bed, Tegan on the left and Sara on the right. They crawled under the covers, goose pimpled skin excited to re-enter such warmth. Sara shivered and tensed one more time before turning onto her side and wrapping an arm around Tegan's warm body.

Tegan smirked. "You just couldn't stay away could you? Or was it my bed you were after?"

The allusion was to the previous week when Sara slept in Tegan's bed instead of her own every night, searching for some kind of contact with Tegan. She found it in the sheets, Tegan's smell was easy for her to get lost in. Tegan had come home to find her usually immaculate sheets disheveled and haphazardly thrown about. Sara blushed, thinking of the numerous time she had touched herself to the scent of Tegan beneath these very same sheets. She playfully slapped Tegan's shoulder, punishment for her smart remark, and was glad Tegan couldn't see her tomato red face. Tegan giggled again and they fell asleep, smiles staying put even in nocturnal rest.


	18. Chapter 18

**Violate**

**Chapter 18**

Sunday was her day off, but Sonia still felt like she was working. On Sundays she took up a second job, a task with no pay that would never cease its need for completion. It was more stressful than anything else she had to do. It topped her patients and their problems, the paperwork, the filing of her taxes, and the shit her superiors gave her on a daily basis. Housekeeping was truly a job that Sonia loathed. How she pitied stay at home moms. Sunday was often her least favorite day of the week. Because she was so busy every other day, there was never a spare second to get ahead on cleaning. By the weekend a pile of dishes had accumulated in the sink, the laundry hamper was overflowing, the bathroom needed a desperate cleaning, and specks of dirt became visible in the carpet. These Sunday chores haunted Sonia. They became little voices in her head, incessantly asking to be taken care of like infants. The more she ignored them, the louder they cried. Babies needed to be fed after all. She lived with these voices until Sunday morning when she just couldn't stand them anymore. The voices collected and cheered as she woke early and began her exhausting, ritualistic day.

She tackled the laundry first, hoping the hum of the washer and drier working together simultaneously side by side with increasing volume once a good rhythm was picked up would drown out the requests of the voices. Laundry had gone silent, but Toilet, Bathtub, and the others still had needs to be met. "Pick me!" cried one. "No, me!" another objected. "No, me!"

Exuberantly louder than the others, Dishes was the next to be silenced. He practically slipped on Sonia's scrub gloves for her and handed her the detergent soap. Washing the dish gave her something to do as she waited on the laundry, and while there were many chores still ahead of her, Sonia had a smile on her face. She had gathered only two small piles of clothes before she hit the lattice bottom of the light brown wooden laundry basket; one whites, one darks. The dishes were a breeze! Only having to wash a third of the amount of usual dishes, ten minutes was all that was required to wash, rinse, and dry every plate, cup, and utensil in front of her. It seemed there were benefits to having the twins stay here only two days of the week.

It seemed it would be an almost (dare she jinx it?) easy and stress free day. With hardly a care in the world, Sonia folded her laundry, while watching the morning news. Every clothing article was compacted into neat little squares and arranged according to category (shirt, pants, etc) and person (Tegan's, Sara's, her own). After designating a third of the laundry basket to each of them, she loaded it and began her trek of distribution down the upstairs halls of her house.

She started with her room first. She had the most clothes, the stack balanced in the middle of the basket in order to avoid tipping caused by uneven distribution. She set out down the hall again, a great deal of weight had been removed from the basket. She knew both of the twins were asleep, and she hated to wake them up, but there was so little to put away that Sonia thought she could sneak in, put everything away, and get out without making a sound.

She creeped up to Tegan's door. Turning the handle and pussyfooting inside, Sonia was met with a sight she certainly hadn't expected. The light was off, but it was mid-morning and there was enough light to see the sleeping figure on the bed. Make that sleeping figures. Under the covers were clearly two bodies; two bodies the same shape and size. A perfect match. Identical twins.

The sight of Sara in Tegan's bed unsettled Sonia. She was reminded of the times in their childhood when they went through clingy stages, as most siblings, especially twins, do. They'd hang on each other like separation from the other would cause their organs to quit working, a machine with a vital missing component. They'd get jealous if one played with another child in the neighborhood. They'd get upset if one even looked at someone else longingly, a child with a new soccer ball or hockey stick, Mom with hot chocolate, or the guy behind the comic book counter displaying a new case full of, shiny, cellophane wrapped baseball cards. Another rule of theirs was they had to sleep in the same bed together too. Sonia would tell them to get ready for bed every night, expecting them to defy her, as all children do at that young age. The two would often insist on five more minutes of wakefulness, then five more minutes, then five more in a never ending cycle. Or they would refuse to brush their teeth or bathe. But during the clingy days, they were surprisingly obedient. Sonia would go into their rooms to check on their progress and find them all washed up in a clean pair of pajamas with minty fresh breathe already laying in bed, tangled in one another's legs or arms, their bodies wrapped in the tightest of cocoon-like hugs, whispering words too quite for Sonia to make out but perfectly intelligible to the other. Maybe they were so obedient because they knew that Sonia always made them sleep in their own beds. Sleepovers were rare, and they were trying to soften her up so she would allow them the closeness they craved.

They were little during these times, no older than five or six, and Sonia thought it was sweet, sisterly love, but as they grew older another side of sisterly love reared its head: sisterly hate. They began to fight more than they got along, and soon 'I love you's whispered between them became few and far between, and sleepovers and clinginess were a thing of the past. Autonomy consumed them. The last thing they wanted was the other anywhere near them. Their strive for independence was bad enough when they were little kids, but shouldn't it be worse now that they were rebellious, hormonal teenagers starting on the path of self-discovery? Why had their child-like affections popped up again like the first flower on sudden earth after a volcanic eruption?

Reasons for this ran through her mind as she resumed her original task. She put all of Tegan's stuff in the correct designated drawers. She tried not to think too much about her sleeping daughters, as she was sure there was a reasonable explanation for why they were in the same bed. It wasn't a problem really. There hadn't been a problem to begin with. But why did it feel like one? Maybe it was because she didn't understand. She didn't now why they felt what they felt. She was a therapist for Christ's sake! Why were the only two people she couldn't understand or connect with her own two daughters? She felt like they were slipping away, moving forward with their lives and leaving her behind. She wasn't in the loop anymore as she'd been when they were younger. Her closeness with them was gone and their closeness with each other was restored. They had teamed up against her.

Consumed by frustration, Sonia unintentionally slammed a drawer particularly loudly. Tegan bolted upright, awakened from sleep as if only in a cat nap. She scanned the room wildly with sticky, half-closed eyelids for the source of the noise, but it was too dark. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, knuckles splashing a rainbow of splatters in front of her eyes. She opened her eyes, slightly aching and swollen, again. This time they were more adjusted to the lack of light. At first she thought that the moving blur in front of her was a trick of the eye, just another deformed blob hidden behind her eyelids, so she blinked a few times, freeing her sight of any restrictions. The shadow was still there.

'Monster' briefly flashed across her mind, but the assumption was swiftly retracted. She was too old to believe in monsters, and this creature was far too real. It must be a burglar, she rationed. The figure had some bulk around his middle as if carrying a sack. Should she try to stop him? Should she lay back down on the bed and preened to be asleep? It wasn't until she observed the bed to see if she would be able to conceal herself under the sheets that she remembered Sara was there too, still asleep. Could she hide and leave Sara defenseless with the burglar or possibly psychotic killer still in the room? No, she was nobler than that. She had to protect her little sister.

"Who's there?" she called out forcefully.

Sonia raced to the light switch, which was only a couple of feet away, when she heard the panic in Tegan's voice. She flicked the switch upward and the room was illuminated to life.

"It's just me."

"Mom?" Tegan's face went pallid. This had a worse outcome than if a serial killer had found his way into the house. Their mom was at the scene of the crime, and they hadn't had a chance to clean up the evidence yet. Sara was still tangled in her sheets. Sonia had seen them sleeping next to each other. Did she know why? Did she expect anything? She felt her stomach churn.

"I'm just doing laundry," Sonia explained, gesturing to the wicker basket at her side. She suddenly felt like she was encroaching on them. She was thirty-five and here she was in her daughter's room, angry because of a petty jealousy she felt against the two of them. She was turning into her own mother whose mission in life during Sonia's own teenage years was to be a friend to her daughter instead of a parent. Sonia hadn't been okay with this. From personal experience she knew Tegan and Sara would want their mother out of their life as much as possible. "I'm sorry," She apologized, but quickly realized that Tegan wasn't in her head and didn't understand what she was sorry for. She couldn't explain what she was really thinking, so she made up a quick but believable lie. "For, you know, waking you up."

Sonia butchered her words as if nervous or upset. This was even more unsettling for Tegan. Something was obviously wrong. One supposition, quickly stoning itself into fact in her rationality, never left Tegan's mind. She knows.

As if things couldn't possibly get any worse, Sara's nose twitched and her eyes scrunched together. She whimpered a little. The light had woken he rup. She sat up, looked at Tegan, looked at Sonia, and fell back down again. She whimpered again and placed her pillow over her face. "It's too early," came the muffled cry from the cushion.

"I'm sorry," Sonia apologized again. "I'm sorry. She used this as an excuse for escape. She was suffocating herself by staying in there. She looked down into the basket and dreaded what she discovered. Sara's clothes were still cradled by the wooden container. Another stop was required down the hall. But she didn't want to go into Sara's room. She wanted to scold herself. How dare she distrust her own daughters, envy and resent them even though things were perfectly fine between them. Or at least things were exactly what was to be expected between them. Nothing terrible had happened. She gave herself this inner pep talk, but afterwards she felt worse, angrier at herself for not believing a word of it. No wonder she wasn't as close to her daughters. No wonder they didn't respect her anymore. She would be better, she promised herself. She would start right then, not entering Sara's room but merely discarding the small pile of clothes in front of Sara's door, protecting both of them from herself.

Sonia, of course, knew nothing about the motivations of her children's strange new behaviors, and vice versa, her children didn't know hers.

It had only been days since whatever Tegan had with Sara had been started, and already she'd let the secret slip. The weekend had turned out fifty times worse than she'd imagined. She looked to Sara fro some hope, guidance, anything, even just someone to share the anguish with, but Sara's face was till shrouded by the pillow. Apparently she had fallen asleep again. If she listened quietly enough, Tegan could hear a light, muffled, nasally snore come from beneath the bleached white cushion.

Sara had seen Sonia in their room. She knew that her mom had seen them asleep together, lying the same bed together. Did she not understand how grave the situation was? How could she just fall back asleep? Tegan wished she could do the same, go to sleep and never wake up, never have to face what was coming. What was coming? Counseling? Therapy? Would they be kicked out of the house? Would the news spread? Would they be rejected by all of their friends and family? Tegan's stomach lurched again, more viciously this time.

She extricated herself from the sheets, a task proving more difficult than she'd imagined, not caring if the sleeping Sara was disturbed or not. She raced to the bathroom. The cool linoleum tile assaulted her bare feet, but that was the least of her problems. Her entire body was in a cold sweat, overheated and freezing. She collapsed in front of the toilet, sweaty palms barely catching her against the edge of the bathtub. She propped open the toilet seat, the lid going with it and gagged. She hadn't eaten since last night's evening meal, so nothing came out. She gagged again. Nothing. She continued dry heaving, willing with all her being that something, her guts perhaps, would come spewing out of her She deserved to get sick. She was sick. Inside out and out. Physically and emotionally.

How had she let this happen?

Bulging, heavy tears trailed misery down her face. They moistened her lips and she licked them away. They tasted saltier than the Dead Sea. Even the comparison depressed her. She took turns heaving and sobbing upon the cool floor, over the grime-infested, cracked, dull yellow, porcelain toilet bowl. The putrid smell wafting from it raped her nose, but suited her mood perfectly, and she resumed her apathy to the terrible conditions of the bathroom. It reduced her to the scum she felt she was.

She wasn't sure how long she stayed in the bathroom, but it felt like days. She questioned whether or not she'd be able to stay in here for days. Could she hide herself away from the world that long? Live in solitary confinement without food or human contact. Of course not. It was a stupid idea. She had to come out, and she had to come out before she completely lost herself.

Sure, life as she knew it may very well be over, but at least she had Sara. At least, she was pretty sure she did. Sara had never abandoned her. She retreated from her fort back to the safety that was her twin.

It had been awhile because Sara was awake and waiting for her. As she stepped inside the room, she realized just how ridiculous she must look, adorned in oversized pajamas, bed head, and a tear-stained face. The tears were the first thing Sara noticed as Tegan slowly walked towards her, crawling into the bed beside her. Sara wrapped her arms around her stricken twin, pulling her into a hug.

"What's wrong?"

Tegan couldn't understand why she needed to explain he anxieties to Sara who should feel the same ones, but she did anyway. "Mom saw us. She knows."

"What are you talking about? Mom didn't see anything."

"We were sleeping together!" Tegan was determined to make Sara see where she was coming from.

"Yes, but we weren't _sleeping together_. She didn't see anything."

"We never sleep together though! Isn't that enough cause for alarm?"

Tegan was obvioulsly extremely upset over this, but Sara really didn't think it was a big deal. She was being paranoid, and Sara had to calm her down. "We slept together all the time when we were little. Mom's never thought anything of it. She let us. I belive she even called it 'adorable'. She probably still thinks the same thing, you know," Sara's voice rose a few octaves in the hopes of successfully imitating an overaffectionate mother. " 'My babies love each other! I'm so glad!'" Her voice returned to normal. "She loves to see us get along."

Sara swiped at Tegan's cheek with her thumb, brushing away the ghosts of tears that were long gone.

Tegan gripped her sister's faded, wrinkled from sleep Alice Cooper T-shirt. She let their bodies mesh for a moment, and the feeling of Sara's heartbeat against her palm calmed her down. Sara was the only one who could ever do that to her, instantly making things better.

"I guess so." She felt better, but she wasn't quite convinced.


	19. Chapter 19

**Violate**

**Chapter 19**

Ugh. School. What was this place? They could barely remember. They hadn't been here in over a week because of some stupid argument. They'd been wrongfully suspended when Laura was the only one who deserved any punishment. She'd started it. Why bother coming back to school at all? This would go on their permanent records. Their chances of getting into a good university were ruined. Not that they particularly cared, but Sonia would be devastated by the amount of rejection letters received during their senior year by colleges throughout the country. So much had changed in a week. Could they really force themselves back into their mundane social lives? Could the released, gaseous, diatomic molecule work its way back into the polyatomic ion on the reactant side of the equation?

Whether it was possible or not, they were forced to try. It was Monday morning and Stephen woke them up at 6:00 a.m. He'd been trying to wake them up since 5:00 since he knew how lazy and procrastinating they were. Six was normally when they got up on weekdays, but since they were unconditioned from their regular routine, they needed an extra hour to lay around in bed, and none of them could afford for that hour to be from 6:00 to 7:00. Stephen had work and Tegan and Sara had a bust to catch at 7:20.

Their final wake up call came just before six. Stephen marched into their room for the hundredth time that morning. "Okay, girls. You seriously need to get up this time."

Tegan, who was already half awake, just stared at her father groggily. Serious? Really? Stephen didn't even look concerned as he ordered them to get up. He was in the middle of tying his tie, his hair was still damp from his shower and hadn't seen a comb all morning, and he had one sock on. His request was obviously urgent. Was it even time for them to wake up?

As if on cue, the alarm clock began beeping. Sara groaned loudly. She'd been trying to fall back asleep, but the stupid clock was on her side of the bed. It was mandatory for her to sit up, reach out, and turn off the alarm. She glared at her flesh and blood. It was unfair for her to have to hit the snooze button everyday. Tegan could take some responsibility and put it on her side of the bed every once in a while. Of course, they wouldn't have to worry about it at all if their father didn't make them go to school every morning.

But Sara couldn't help being happy too. Everyone was calm. Their father was in their room with them and Tegan didn't even flinch. After yesterday's episode with Sonia coming into their room when they were together, Sara was happy to see some progress, even if she knew that Tegan only freaked out because it was their mom who saw them. Here they only had one bed, and it would be a bigger cause for alarm if they weren't sleeping together. Still, it was something, if only another reason to continue living with their father.

The moment their father was gone, Sara rolled on top of her twin. Tegan groaned from the unexpected weight placed on her and they both giggled as she exaggerated the groan, making it sound like Sara was a lot heavier than one hundred pounds. Sara littered her sister's face with kisses, soft and sweet. "I love you," she whispered just incase their father was still within ear shot.

"I love you too," Tegan whispered back, rubbing her nose against Sara's in the sweetest of Eskimo kisses.

The blonde captured the brunette's lips with her own in a kiss much more serious than the first few. She properly straddled Tegan, dipping slightly with her hips, putting just the right amount of pressure against Tegan's center and her own.

Tegan had been to anxious from yesterday morning for Sara to attempt anything when they'd gotten home the previous night, making it almost three whole days since they'd had sex, the longest they'd gone since this started.

Tegan chuckled again, thoroughly amused by her nymphomaniac of a sister. "Not now. We have to get up." She gently pushed Sara off of her.

"Please," Sara begged. "Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"You know I hate cherries." She kissed her sister one last time. "But maybe later, if you're good to me." She winked at her twin and crawled out of bed.

They showered, dressed, and even took the time to eat a hot breakfast, a delicacy in their rushed, busy household; fried eggs and toast, sunny side up for Tegan and over easy for Sara. Fully refreshed, they bundled up and started down the block to the bus stop. The cold didn't have time to reach their bones they'd timed it so well. Within two minutes of waiting the city bus was in front of them. They found empty seats and sat next to each other, scooting a little closer together than necessary.

Sara was thankful they no longer had to take the school bus. It was bad enough being surrounded by her peers during school, but having to deal with their childish antics before and afterwards was just too much. Here, she was surrounded by adults, quiet strangers in uniform on their way to their various jobs. And Tegan. She had Tegan too, plastered to her side. Occasionally a classmate would board, but either the calm atmosphere mellowed them or they just preferred to stay to themselves. Most of their friends took the school bus or were old enough to have cars of their own. The only one that bothered with public transportation was Brian, a tall, gangly kid with wiry, black hair, pimples, and an inability to shave his goatee every morning. He wasn't a close friend, more like a friend of a friend, but the twins had known him since elementary school, and they'd scored drugs from him a few times. He recognized them whenever he saw them and always gave them a wave or a smile or a simple 'hey', and it wasn't unknown for them to talk to each other. Amiability was a big part of their friendship. But this day Brian got on the bus, looked right at them, and walked right past them. No smile, nothing. He completely ignored them, following the path to the back of the bus, despite the fact that there were two empty seats behind Tegan and Sara.

She wasn't close to him, but Sara's heart ached. She was sure the reason they were ignored was Laura. Hell hath no fury like a woman betrayed. She could've convinced Brian that she was a terrible person. She just hoped the same hadn't happened with the rest of her friends. They would stick by her right? She reached for Tegan's hand and squeezed it for support.

But Tegan was thinking of different motives for her friend's actions. She had ostracized herself from their group of friends a couple of weeks ago. The fact that she hadn't come back surely left them feeling unwanted. Why would any of them want to be around her? Apparently she and Sara were a package deal because she was dragging Sara down with her.

To Sara's surprise but not Tegan's, and to both of their disappointment this behavior from their friends seemed to continue throughout the entire day. Once at school, they went to their normal, morning hang-out spot. All of their friends were there as usual. Nothing seemed peculiar. There seemed to be no rift between them or any side picking. A group of rival gangs hadn't been formed, the Laura supporters and the Laura haters, like Sara almost expected there to be. But for some reason that made her think of Grease, and the thought of her friends bursting out in song was disturbing, so she was glad to see them all conglomerated together, chatting and laughing. She felt welcomed to join, so she pulled Tegan with her. The brunette was skeptical since Laura was a part of the group, but Sara had a moment of hope. Maybe this had all blown over and Laura wasn't mad at her anymore. A few people saw the two heading towards them, but they only glanced at them then quickly turned away and continued their conversations. The two stood silent for a while, side by side, waiting for someone to approach them, but no one did.

"I'm starting to think this was a bad idea," Tegan whispered into the shorter sister's ear.

No one was paying any attention to them except for Laura who noticed them for the first time, and immediately she looked furious.

"I'm staring to think you're right," Sara whispered back as Laura's cruel, dark eyes bored into her own. She grabbed the older twin's wrist and pulled them both out of their as fast as she could, heart shattered into tiny, muscular fragments but still somehow able to pump.

She had the perfect hiding spot, a bathroom hardly anyone used. The last stall was her sanctuary whenever she felt like skipping a class or if she just needed a break from school or her peers. The last option fit her current situation, so she kicked open the stall door, partly because she'd always wanted to and she thought it might cheer her up a bit and partly because she didn't want to let go of Tegan, but afterwards, she still felt depressed, and Tegan let go of her anyway. She slumped against the wall, legs extended as far as they would go, but they still didn't quite reach the opposite wall. Even in this small, cramped space she was considered short. Tegan hesitated but slowly sat down beside her , fully aware of the grime they were sitting in. The thigh of her pant leg was pressed against the base of the toilet. Neither said anything. There was no need for words. They sat for a few minutes in peace, but soon Sara's need to be physically connected to Tegan resurfaced. In such close proximity, their shoulders and thighs occasionally bumped, but that wasn't enough. She reached out with a clammy, sweaty hand and was surprised to be met halfway by Tegan's own. They brought their conjoined appendages down to the small crevice between them and sat until the bell rang. Tegan was the first to start standing up but was quickly pulled back down by Sara. "Wait. Stay just a bit longer." Sara was hurt, and if Tegan needed to stay here with her forever, she would, but they only had ten minutes.

They were late to first period, but it didn't really matter because they were a week late to the entire class. Neither had any idea what was going on, and they braced themselves for a world of confusion that would surely follow them to every class throughout the day like a stray puppy, finally showed some compassion by a kind stranger. By fourth period they'd given up on learning. They were already overloaded with make-up work. School was stupid anyway. It wasn't like they would use any of this stuff in the real world. How was knowing when Genghis Khan died going to help anyone get a job or pay rent?

Sara had moved on to more important matters that actually would affect her life, at least her current social life anyway. She had fourth period with Laura and her mission was to calm her down, make some sort of compromise. If Laura would call of whatever animosity she held, things would go back to normal. At the very least she wanted Laura to keep her anger to herself, leave everyone else out of their fight, and release her iron grip on the rest of the gang. She composed a detailed note stating her simple requests and honest apologies. She folded the note into fourths, wrote "give to Laura" on the back, and chucked it at Jeremy, who sat equidistant between the two girls. It was too much of a risk for her to throw it all the way across the room to Laura. Her aim wasn't amazing at such long distances with such flimsy ammunition, and it would be a lot easier for Mr. Emerald to notice a paper wad eight feet in the air than one simply being passed at arm level from desk to desk.

Jeremy read the instructions on the outside of the note, but didn't comply. Instead, he quickly jotted something down next to Sara's scratchy message, all while keeping a close eye on their teacher who was currently writing something on the chalk board with his back turned to the class. He threw Sara's note right back at her.

Stupefied, Sara was five seconds away from bashing Jeremy's brains in for not giving the note to Laura, but she read what he wrote down anyway.

_She doesn't want to talk to you._

She groaned inwardly, With all of Laura's peons getting in the way, nothing would ever be solved. She scribbled down another message. _Just give it to her. Please_. The note found its way back to him.

Again, he disobeyed and scribbled his own response. _Meet me during lunch._

That's it. Sara was committing murder the second she got her hands on him. _Give it to her!_

The note never got to Laura. Instead, ti was returned to its original creator by Jeremy without another note. They'd run out of room on that side of the origami peace treaty, so Jeremy had underlined and retraced his last message, making it bolder and more prominent on the lined paper. **_Meet me during lunch_**. Next to it in small lettering so it would fit on the page, he added one prepositional phrase: _Under the stairwell._

Sara gave up on trying to get the note to Laura from him, so she tucked the still folded sheet of paper into her back pocket, saving it for self-delivery later.

The class ended, and she wandered off to the cafeteria for lunch with no intention of going anywhere near the stairwell or paying her male friend a visit. She knew if she met up with him, anger would get the better of her, and she would make things worse and quite possibly get suspended again.

Seeing as her and Tegan weren't welcome to sit with their friends anymore, they had no where else to sit, so they found two unused chairs and brought them to the counters hooked into the brick walls of the cafeteria. No one sat by the wall, only the loners and nerds who would rather be alone studying with their books than chatting with their friends during the one substantial break they had during the school day. Sara felt horrible. She didn't want to be here. She wanted things back to normal. Her hand found Tegan's under the counter. Tegan was her only rock right now.

Their fingers weren't intertwined for more than three seconds before Tegan separated herself from her twin. "Not during school, okay. Not where everyone can see."

There might have been a couple hundred ids in the cafeteria, but not a single one was looking at them. They might as well be alone. No body cared about the twin sisters sitting side by side at the wall or what they may possibly be doing under the table out of everyone's view. Everyone was too absorbed in themselves to give a damn. No body cared. Why did Tegan have to be so paranoid when Sara needed her the most?

"Whatever." She pushed her seat away from the counter, stood up, and threw her Styrofoam tray away. She hadn't finished eating, but it wasn't like the food was from a five-star restaurant. "I've got places to be," she told Tegan and walked away.

"Sara!" Tegan called after her, not meaning to upset her twin that badly.

But Sara kept walking despite Tegan's pleas. She walked right out of the cafeteria doors an down the hall. She didn't stop until she reached the largest stairwell, the only one with a cubby-like hiding spot beneath it. Jeremy was there waiting for her, utilizing the privacy this place offered by enjoying a cigarette. Sara's asthmatic lungs clenched and shriveled, but she toughed it out, never objecting to any of her friends' bad habits.

"I thought you weren't going to come," he said.

"I didn't either," Sara admitted.

Sara leaned against the wall beside him, hoping to get out of the secondhand smoke's path a little, but Jeremy exhaled again and turned to face her midway through. Smoke clouded her vision, and her eyes began to water just slightly.

"Do you want the good news or the bad?"

"I want the Laura news." It was what she came here for, not some chat.

"Ah. Okay then. So the bad." He took another hit, and Sara watched the red flame at the tip of his cigarette burn brighter, turning an iridescent orange. She braced herself, already knowing whatever Jeremy had to say wouldn't be what she was hoping to hear. "Laura hates you. Like real bad. I don't understand why. Yeah, she got dumped, but she should just get over it. I know she has a temper and a tendency to hold grudges, but I've never seen her so pissed."

"Tell me something I don't know. At least someone seemed to be on her side.

"I don't think this is a kiss and make-up kind of deal. You might want to lay low for a while. Until she calms down."

"I understand why she's mad, but why is everyone else mad too?" The sentence was a little too long for her oxygen-deprived lungs, and her throat finally gave out on her. She covered her mouth with her elbow and coughed into her hoodie sleeve.

"Shit! Sorry. Forgot." Jeremy placed the tip of his cigarette against the wall, putting it out. The flame barely scathed the brick. He gently placed his half smoked cigarette back into its package, saving it for later. He tried waving some of the smoke away with his hands, as Sara got the last coughs out of her system.

"Thanks."

When the air was clear they resumed their conversation. "Why is everyone else mad? Well, Laura's like an evil dictator like Napoleon or something. Whatever she says goes, and if anyone defies her, they'll be sent to the guillotine, so to speak. No one wants Laura mad at them, so they agree with her no mater what. It's not that we don't love you guys anymore. It's just a matter of self preservation. You know how high school is. Again, just wait, and things will change."

Sara was disappointed, but she supposed she could get through a few weeks of this torture. She was resilient.

"Now, do you want the good news?"

"Desperately." Any glimmer of hope would make life infinitely better.

"You know my uncle right, the one who owns the club?" Sara nodded. "The band he hired for this weekend just canceled. He has to find a new band before Friday, and since it's such short notice, he trusted me when I said I knew a great band that could lay for cheap both Friday and Saturday night."

Sara's eyes widened. "Jer, you didn't."

"But I did. I got 'Sara and Tegan' their first gig. As long as you guys are up for it anyway."

She could only hug him. Tears from the smoke quickly turned into tears of joy. Good ol' Jeremy. This was exactly the kind of pick-me-up her and Tegan both needed.


	20. Chapter 20

**Violate**

**Chapter 20**

If her spine wasn't broken, Tegan would be surprised. One thing was for sure: she would feel it the next day. If she thought school required a lot of work before, she had a required a new respect for how little homework she actually was given on a regular basis. Carried with her, she had a week's work of homework and class work to make up in all seven of her classes. Having to lug around four books, several spiral note books, and countless folders and bulging binders was a literal pain in the neck. Her backpack weight easily fifty pounds. Carting it around school, halfway around town on the bus, down the street, and up a flight of stairs was the most intense workout she'd received since the last summer karate camp she'd attended.

She was struggling enough that she wanted asked Sara to help her carry the load, which was something she swore off doing a long time ago. Every time she asked her twin for help Sara would gloat, egotistically declaring herself the stronger twin who needed to help weak little Tegan with everything. Tegan would then get pissed off at Sara for saying such a thing, but even knowing the consequences she still would've asked Sara for help. The only thing stopping her was that Sara already had enough of her own crap to carry, and she wouldn't have helped Tegan if she were a good, humanitarian kind of person.

Getting the work home was exhausting enough, the task of completing it was like completing a marathon and finding out there was a mandatory, mile long obstacle course to do right afterwards, but diligently she pulled out her textbooks and worksheets and set to work.

An hour passed before she felt a headache start creeping up on her. If she didn't relax, she'd feel the effects for the rest of the day, so she took a much needed break. She was tired and sore; more work was the last thing she wanted to do.

Sara would be a good distraction, but she was in the living room. Always a slacker, she was probably watching tv and eating goldfish crackers instead of doing her own homework. Tegan could call her into their room with a simple shout, and she was very tempted to do so, but she was afraid that Sara might still be mad at her for what happened at lunch. Sara had left her depressed and sitting alone after she refused to hold her hand in such a public place. She felt bad about it, but she was just protecting them. She didn't wan to think about what would happen if someone had seen. She knew Sara's feelings were hurt, but she figured she could make it up to her by spending time with her now.

"Hey, Sara!" Tegan called loud enough for her sister to hear.

Sara's ears perked up like a dog who heard its name called around dinner time. She gently removed the guitar from her lap and laid it on the couch. Giddily, she made her way to their room.

She hadn't told Tegan that they had their first gig that weekend and keeping the secret made her want to explode from excitement. She wanted to celebrate with Tegan, but she wanted to wait to spill the beans at the right time.

"What's up?" she asked, trying to channel curious rather than suspicious.

Tegan folded a few papers inside of her book san placed them back in her bag to make room for Sara.

"Sit down."

Sara did and picked up another of Tegan's textbooks laying next to her knee: Geography.

"Having fun?" She asked sarcastically.

"No. This sucks!" Tegan exclaimed. "My hand hurts from writing, my brain hurts from thinking, and my back hurts from lugging all of this shit around."

"You poor thing." Sara crawled behind Tegan, knees and hands sinking into the mattress like it was quicksand with every move. She wrapped her legs around Tegan's own crossed ones and sat up. She rubbed Tegan's shoulders. Her sister wasn't lying; she was tense. She dug her thumb into a particularly tight knot on Tegan's shoulder blade. Tegan moaned at how good the massage felt. Though it wasn't a sexual moan, Sara couldn't help but feel her center grown warm.

"That feels amazing," Tegan purred. If only she could sit like this forever, but she knew she had to get back to work or she'd never be able to finish on time.

She grabbed the closes textbook, the geography one Sara had picked up, and looked at the assignment. African countries and capitals. It seemed easy enough, but it proved to be rather difficult to focus with Sara right behind her, working now on Tegan's spine and relieving all tension there. She answered a couple of questions, relatively sure they were right, but she blanked soon after.

"Hey, Sara?"

"Hmm?" Sara hummed, barely registering Tegan was talking to her. Her twin wasn't the only one enjoying the back rub.

"Do you know the capital of Djibouti?"

Sara rolled her eyes. Tegan's brain really was fried. "It's Djibouti, you idiot." Sara whispered the last part under her breath.

"Oh. Right." She felt like doing a face palm she felt so stupid.

Sara regretted her remark, as if probably made Tegan's self-esteem plummet when she was already not feeling all that great. "I'm sorry," she apologized.

She continued massaging Tegan's back, and thought of some way to recompense. "Did ya booty need a massage too?" She chuckled at her own remark and slowly raked her nails down Tegan's lower back, extending all the way down until she cupped two round handfuls of Tegan's firm tush in each hand.

An 'oh' passed Tegan's lips as her mouth formed the same letter. Sara was making it impossible for her to do her work. As Sara began kneading her flesh, Tegan completely gave up. She closed her book, threw it on the floor, and turned around to kiss her sister hard on the mouth. Sara kissed back and licked Tegan's bottom lip. It took a small nibble on the corner of her lip for Tegan to open her mouth to Sara because of a gasp.

Sara flipped Tegan on her back, expressing her control. She anted this more than anything, and she wasn't going to let Tegan get away from her now. But Tegan had no plans of escaping. She was cashing in her rain check from that morning when she'd refused Sara intimacy on the grounds of having to attend school. She wanted it too, and there was no better way to take a break. This was the perfect distraction and the release would ease her tension.

Tegan pawed at Sara's shirt and kneaded her breasts through the thick cotton, but Sara wanted more contact. She removed her sweater, but allowed Tegan to unhook her bra. Tegan's face lit up at the sight of her sister's petite but perfect frame and barely noticed when her own shirt was removed. The younger leaned down to kiss her twin and their breasts brushed in the process. Nipple met nipple and four instantly hardened. Tegan was finally allowed a chance to play with Sara's breasts, and she was as excited as a small child with a brand new toy. But she was a disobedient child, one who often did naughty things such as ignoring their mother's request to resist curiosity and not put toys in their mouth. She craned her neck down, licking around the outer part of a breast before flicking a nipple with her tongue and capturing it between her lips. She sucked like a coddled infant, and Sara groaned at the sensation, pushing Tegan's head farther down. Her play time was cut short by Sara's urgency, but Tegan didn't really mind. There was another prize awaiting her.

In a flash pants and underwear were gone, discarded somewhere in the room. They'd clean up later, right now Tegan was focused on cleaning up the mess between Sara's legs. Her lips glistened with a layer of thick cum, and the trail extended down her thighs. Sara really was horny. Tegan almost felt bad for making her wait this morning, but she made up for it by diving straight in. No more foreplay or tender caresses were necessary. That wasn't Sara's style and she was more than ready. She cried out in ecstasy the second Tegan's tongue made contact with her clit.

Sara liked to pretend that she was a total top, dominant in every way, but in moments like this Tegan had the control. She'd reduced Sara to a puddle, and she knew it. A smile crossed her lips as he continued circling Sara's small, pink bud.

"More!" Sara moaned, craving more contact. Tegan obliged by sticking two fingers in side of Sara, knowing the teasing she was doing further north was practically torture. She pumped in and out, quickly but deeply, going as far as possible and hitting the spot she knew Sara couldn't get enough of with every thrust. Her tongue never moved from her sister's snatch, but she wanted to taste more.

She removed her dripping fingers and Sara let out a moan of disapproval. She was too close for them to stop now. But Tegan silenced her complaints by placing her lubricated fingers on Sara's button and rubbing circles as fast as she could. Her tongue quickly went to work on her twin's center, slipping between her folds. The younger sibling cried out again and within seconds had come. Juices spilled and splashed against Tegan's face and she contently lapped them up until nothing was left.

Tegan moved up to kiss her sister, letting Sara get a good taste of herself. Sara was tired but still fully aware of the massive ache between Tegan's legs. A hand reached out curiously to find that Tegan's thighs were damp. She was just as wet as Sara had been. This meant she would get off just as quickly.

She slipped two fingers beneath her twin's folds and continued kissing her. Due to Sara's expect fingers, Tegan came in no time, her cries muffled against Sara's lips.

"God, you're good at that," Tegan praised as she rode out the final waves of her orgasm against Sara's hand.

A sly smile creeped onto Sara's lips. "You're pretty good yourself. For a newbie that is." If Sara didn't know she'd be Tegan's first, she wouldn't have believed it. Maybe it was just because they had the same body, but Tegan knew all of her little spots, every single button and turn-on point; her earlobe, her neck, right above her collarbone, all of them. No one had ever known her so well.

Because she was so happy, Sara allowed herself to curl up to Tegan's side. Normally, with other girls, cuddling wasn't part of the aftermath, but this was Tegan, sweet, loveable Tegan who had shown that she practically lived for cuddling. Sara had grown fond of the closeness herself just by being around her co-dependant sister. They could lay together for hours and not say a word. The contact was claming. They healed each other like premature twins placed in an incubator together for comfort.

It was nearly an hour that they lay together, but the ticking hands of time ended things abruptly. Being here at their dad's apartment offered them a lot more freedom, but they were gluttons. Having their own place was their fantasy. They'd have the ability to do whatever the wanted and showcase their feelings at any time. Never would they be interrupted by parents or friends or drama, and they would had no schedule or clean-up time, no need to hide any of the evidence.

Sara gathered her sweater off the floor and frowned. Clean up was the worst part for her. She hated re-donning clothes still feeling sticky and sweaty. She hated putting back up the façade and pretending that she hadn't just experienced the strongest physical and emotional connection with another human she'd ever felt in her life. But she spotted a small red mark on her chest as she pulled her arms through the sleeves. Tegan had left a hickey on her chest, a lasting sign of this afternoon, a souvenir for her to keep until the next time.

She reminded herself of the good news she'd still yet to tell Tegan, and she perked up even more.

Tegan hated having to cover everything up afterwards too. And what was worse was she had to go back to work.

After dressing, she picked up the haphazardly discarded Geography textbook, sat on the bed, and tried to start work again.

Sara swatted Tegan's hand and yanked the book out from under her.

"Hey!" Tegan protested.

"This is no time for homework." She grabbed Tegan's guitar and brought it over to the bed for her. "We need to practice." She raced to the living room to grab her own guitar, leaving behind a very confused Tegan.

When she returned, Tegan continued her protest. "Do you not understand how much homework I have?"

"Do you not understand the importance of practice?" Sara spat back.

"Homework comes first. We can play again after we finish." She looked down at the giant stack of textbooks beside her bed. "Or maybe when summer comes around."

"Then how do you expect to be ready for our gig this weekend?" Sara was finally able to let out the smile she'd been holding in.

"Gig? Wh-"

"Jer got us a gig! Isn't it great?"

Tegan was stunned. "No way."

"Way."

Sara's infectious smile spread along with the news. "Wait. You mean we seriously have a gig? A real gig? Where we get paid and everything?"

"Yep." Sara beamed proudly. "It's at Jeremy's uncle's club."

Tegan chuckled in disbelief. This had to be near the top of her list of best life moments. She looked at the books again. Screw homework. She had a gig to practice for.


	21. Chapter 21

**Violate**

**Chapter 21**

Arriving two hours early screamed way too excited. Not that they weren't excited. They'd practiced nearly twenty-four seven, and Tegan was about to shit herself she was so nervous, but they didn't want to seem too eager. They didn't get the job themselves and had never actually tried out. The last thing they wanted was for Jeremy's uncle to regret his decision to let them play at his club. They had to impress, and they had to be as professional as possible while doing it. Another fear of theirs was that no one would take them seriously. Just because they were fifteen didn't mean that they didn't know the passion music brought them or that there was nothing more amazing that hearing the sound of notes and knowing that they were the ones creating these beautiful melodies, that there was nothing else they wanted to do with their lives.

Since they went on at nine and they wanted to get there at a reasonable time, taking the bus, which stopped running at seven, wasn't an option. They needed a ride, and Stephen had already explained that it wouldn't be him.

He wanted his girls to be able to dream big, but he was also afraid that they wouldn't make it. He'd lived a life of poverty, and he didn't want that for his kids. Being musicians was setting them on the fast track to monetary struggling. Perhaps they could still work in the music industry. They could go to college and study to be big record producers. Or maybe they could own a company that sells instruments. These jobs combined their passion for music with a decent annual income. He didn't want to discourage them, but if he encouraged them too much now, they may want to jump straight into performing, quit school and go on the road. He wouldn't promote this, so he wouldn't drive them to any gigs.

The twins were shocked when he refused. He was their ticket to freedom! He never complained or asked questions, and eh always accepted their interests. Their mother was the only alternative ride, and she blatantly expressed her dislike of their future career in music. They could convince her to take them to their gig easily enough, but she would complain and scold the whole way there. They didn't' want to go with her, so they begged their father like spoiled three year olds. He didn't cave, but he made the deal that he would take them if their mother agreed that it was alright for them to go. It was foul play as they all knew Sonia would never agree to such a thing. Still, they called her because it was their last hope, though they were fully prepared to walk there if they had to.

For someone so unhappy with her daughters' interest in music, Sonia sure didn't sound upset to hear this news from them. She agreed to it without hesitation. Her only request was that she drive them herself. The twins groaned inwardly, but their father had overheard the conversation and said, "If she wants to take you, she can take you. Lord knows I don't want to."

Sonia's world had gone silent. There was work and patients and her boyfriend, but she was lonely. At the end of the day she went home to a quiet house which was something she'd wished for for year. But she didn't understand just how desolate things could be without her kids. The first week of quiet and relaxation was fun, like a vacation, but soon that maternal ache crept up on her. What as a mother without her babies?

She understood why they replaced her with Stephen. He was the fun parent. After the divorce he rarely saw his kids. Sonia empathized with him and realized that he probably felt the same emptiness she felt now. He compensated by filling the little time they had with 'lots of love'. He spoiled them. Took them to hockey games, fairs, anything he could afford. She understood why he did it, but in her mind that bastard deserved everything he got. The only thing he shouldn't have gotten were the kids. They were the most precious thing Sonia won in the divorce, and she should have them. If Stephen could play dirty, appeasing the twins to steal them away, she could do the same.

Of course the girls were no longer at that young age where they were so easily won over by simple gifts and gestures. Their interests had matured, and if supporting those interests, no matter how farfetched they seemed, was the only way to win her daughters back, Sonia would do it.

So she was more than willing to drive them downtown. She'd even stick around to watch them perform. They would appreciate it and she would get to spend time with them outside of their new regular routine.

She conversed with them in the car, amiability at the top of her to-do list. The twins sat cramped in the back seat of the tiny car, guitars across their laps, and thought about how being in a car with their mom wasn't as bad as they'd expected.

But Sonia's facade became harder to keep up as they pulled into the club's lot. The building looked like a vast majority of others in downtown Calgary. Its grimy brick walls stood out only because of the flashing neon sign. On a second look maybe it wasn't as much flashing as it was flickering. Two of the letters had already gone dull. The few illuminated letters left switched from on to off, threatening to extinguish themselves like the others. The marquee was splattered with holes. Drops of yesterday's rain tumbled seamlessly through the slits in a perfectly straight line, forming a small puddle in front of the entrance.

The place was shabby, a sure sign that whoever owned it obviously didn't care enough to fix it up or was too poor to do so. A business is a reflection of the man operating it. This man had obviously had no respect for himself, and yet Sonia had allowed him to employ her young, naïve daughters.

The inside wasn't quite as dull as the outside. The extensive room had some characters. The walls had been touched by human hands. Lewd decorations were hung every few feet, comical advertisements and burnt-edged, crinkled posters, yellowed and destroyed by age and smoke.

Sonia gagged as they stepped inside. A healthy cloud of smoke drifted directly towards them. She tried to side-step and avoid it, but there was no avoiding the smell which had permanently burrowed its way into the building, continuously polluting the air for years and years more to come. Sonia knew smokers and had been to plenty of bars, but this was one of the worst smelling places she'd ever encountered. Her immediate concern was the asthmatic Sara whose lungs had to be screaming. Though a tear forming in her eye, Sonia looked to her youngest daughter. Sara was visibly stiff, but keeping her composure well. Tegan looked just as worried and had her hand gripped on Sara's shoulder. She leaned in and whisperer something into her ear. Sara replied back with an assuring, "It's alright."

IT was still a bit early and not many people were around. The dance floor was deserted, and the bar seemed to be the only habituated place. The few men and the bartender seemed genial, like they knew each other. They were offered a free round of whiskey and one man celebrated by giving everyone cigarettes. They were older men and no the kind of crowd that usually went to these places. This was what struck Sonia as odd.

A much younger man, nearly a boy came out of the back room and exchanged hellos with the group. They must have been friends with the owner. There was no other reason for such an atypical group to be formed in this type of place so early in the evening.

The young man who Sonia thought to be a busboy or helper of some sort looked across the room and smiled. Untying his stained apron, he made his way towards Tegan and Sara. They greeted him with a hug.

"Jeremy!" they squealed in unison.

Now that Sonia thought about tit, she did recognize the boy. She remembered seeing him in a group of Sara's friends. Or was he Tegan's ex-boyfriend? It had been too long since the girls had given Sonia any insight into their personal lives. She couldn't be sure of anything.

He took a moment to chat with them. It was the first time either of the girls had really been able to open up about their excitement with someone other than each other.

"Where are my manners?" Jeremy said. He turned his attention to Sonia and outstretched his hand. "I'm Jeremy. This is my uncles place. How are you, Miss … uh?"

Sonia shook his hand and smiled. "Clement," she informed him, and to answer his question, "I'm good."

"Are you staying for the show?"

She'd planned on it, but that was before she saw her surroundings. She felt out of place, and she didn't want to stand out. Not to mention the health risks. Staying here for more than a few minutes had the potential to give her lung cancer.

A small group of college kids walked in. A younger crowd was starting to form.

But she didn't want to look like a bad mother either. She wanted to be a mother who was always there to support her kids. She would stay.

"Yes."

Tegan's face lit up, and that made the decision worth it.

With her powerful stance and guitar slung around her back, Sara was a gun slinger. She was calm and focused, and she knew she had a deadly weapon strapped to her chest. It was just a matter of time before she would be able to use it. The stage awaited her, and she planned to blow everyone away.

Jeremy led them to the stage, so they would have time to set up and practice. But as an acoustic band, they didn't require much set up, and they had practiced themselves silly for an entire week. So they tuned their guitars and waited for the crowd to come. Then they retuned out of anxiety.

The filling house chattered on and paid little attention to them. They might have been on stage, but no one was here to see them. The emotional distance between them and the crowd allowed for their hearts to hang suspended above their stomachs for the first time that night and allowed for their nerves to settle down.

Stage fright was never something they had to face before. They had always just played to themselves. Even when they had sung for their parents when they were little, the concerts had been recorded on tape. Pressing the play button on a recorder was a bit different them putting themselves live on display under the spotlight.

Among the sea of strangers was a familiar face, out of place, but never the less welcomed and revered. Their mother stabilized them and put a small, reassuring grin on their faces.

Bodies smashed together on the dance floor. A few impatient souls swayed their hips back and forth to mindless, imaginary music from strings plucked by the firm fingers of alcohol.

Slaves to the music they were. Concerts were nothing more than puppet mastery at its best. To be a nameless face in an immense sea of people with separated physical and emotional beings, their two parts tied together only by a loose strand of brain matter, and to be another of these people was one of the most euphoric feelings in the world. Nirvana kicked in when you were surrounded by others who could get just as lost in the same music as you could. Nobody cared about their problems any longer. They were too focused on the people onstage controlling them, playing the musical panacea to everything that had ever gone wrong in their lives.

Tegan and Sara had been part of the crowd of musical drones before, but now they had the chance to be the puppet masters behind the six metallic marionette strings strapped to the neck of their guitars.

Tegan stepped up to the mic, newly exhilarated and announced, "We're Sara and Tegan."

Checking the set list taped to the back of her guitar one last time and committing it to memory, Sara placed her fingers over the starting chords. Tegan's fingers followed suit, and in twin synchronization they started playing.

The mood was perfectly set and the rhythm felt right in Sara's hands. It was just a matter of playing. Performing sparked something in Sara. Her guitar vibrated beneath her, but she didn't physically shake. Words flowed from Tegan's mouth, but she couldn't hear them. Nor could she hear her own voice backing up and harmonizing with her sister's. She could only _feel_ it all.

This was bliss.


	22. Chapter 22

**Violate **

**Chapter 22**

It wasn't out of obligation, jealousy or greed that Sonia transported her children tot their second gig the night after their first. It was out of wonder. Something special had happened on stage the previous night, something that Sonia had never noticed before. It had seemed like the worst situation. Who wanted to spend their life playing music in crowded, polluted clubs? The experience didn't seem like it would be the least bit enjoyable, but as a bystander, there was no way not to be amazed at the twins as they performed under such horrendous conditions. The way Tegan and Sara played, with such heart and passion was like nothing Sonia had ever seen from them before! She heard them plucking away at notes in the wee hours of the morning, and she'd seen them sitting in their rooms, guitars across their laps when they should have been doing homework. It irked her how they woke her up or gave her a headache or how they didn't have perfect grades and were so content to ruin their futures by focusing more on extracurricular activities instead of their studies. But never did she think that all those things she'd deemed obnoxious or inappropriate about their love for music translated into time spent working on such wonderful art! The heartfelt lyrics, the catchy melodies, the hooky guitar, it all came together to form something amazing, rare, and unique that Sonia had never heard before, couldn't even imagine existed, let alone lay deep and potential in the minds of her own daughters. They possessed something truly magnificent - talent.

And the second night was no let down from the first. It could be assumed that many bands were great during their first performance when everything was new and exciting and raw to them, but no following performance could live up to it. But Tegan and Sara were different. They weren't doing this on sheer adrenaline. Every line, every note was coming straight from their heart. If anything, with a bit of experience under their belt, they were even better the second night. And Sonia wasn't the only one to think so. The crowd cheered and clapped harder and more people seemed to get into it, letting their minds and bodies fall victim to the pulse of the rhythm.

Sonia observed all of this from a small table at the back of the club by the restrooms. The distance and seclusion allowed for everything to sink in easier. There were no young, sweaty bodies bumping into her. She wasn't forced to share a table. While there was the occasional passerby with either a bursting or relieved bladder, there was a considerably less amount of people on this side of the room. She could truly focus on watching her kids onstage, without distraction, and she could really hear the music without the overwhelming chatter of the crowd close by.

The hour and a half or so that they were onstage passed by far too quickly. The twins felt like they could play forever, bu they were running out of songs, and it was getting late. With upset to the entire house, they left the stage only to disappear behind the dais.

They stayed out of sight for a while. Sonia stayed in her position and the audience adjusted to dancing to recorded music played over the speakers.

The twins were in the backroom where Jeremy hugged and congratulated them. They returned his embrace with fervor. They owed him big time for this. Jeremy's uncle was there too. He was a short, stout man, but he looked like the kind of guy who would want to own a club like this one. Jubilantly, he thanked them, drowning them in compliments and patting their backs like a proud father might to his son. He wasn't close to the twins, but he had met them once or twice before, and any friend of his nephew was someone he could respect. In a final handshake, he slipped into each of their palms two twenties. It wasn't much, but this money made the gig Tegan and Sara's first paying job, and to have that money was nothing short of amazing. The bills crinkled between the crushing weight of their fists and they were marked with the grimy feeling and metallic scent only monies paper could emit. To the touch, it felt like the greedy thing it was thought to be, but to two teenage aged, hopeful musicians, it was the first paycheck in a hopefully prosperous life of music making. And the scent only reminded them of their fingers after spending a couple of hours playing guitar.

Sonia waited as long as she need, never becoming impatient or bored. When she finally saw her daughter's small figures step out of the shadows, she stood and her legs wobbled a bit. Her emotions and the wonder hadn't quite dissipated yet. She hugged both of them at the same time, and something clicked between the three. A spar had ignited in Sonia and both the twins could feel it as her heart pounded against their clothing. She understood. She finally understood. If Sonia could apologize for all the mean things he had thought, she would , but apologies don't mean anything. She could do something. She could show them.

And that meant taking them to all of their future gigs. And she did so happily. It was rewarding to see them in the back seat together with their instruments, unconsciously displaying identical gummy smiles. They were always just as happy as they had been after that first night. And they had started getting along again. Sometimes they even linked their fingers together and held hands under the shadowed equipment where they thought Sonia wouldn't see, but she did see and she knew that they would always be sisters. They fought and screamed and told each other they hated one another, and she'd told them that it would all eventually pass. They were sisters and destined to unconditionally love each other for the rest of their lives - whether or not they were embarrassed about being proven wrong in their differing opinions. The secret affection made Sonia smile.

And more gigs came frequently. They auditioned at seemingly every underage club in Calgary. More often than not they got the job. After a while they'd made a bit of a name for themselves. They were requested to come back to certain places and were recommended and then asked to play in others. It became almost their jobs. Playing a gig or two every weekend brought in a small income and soon became their top priority. Practice took up every spare second, and often that wasn't enough time spent with their music for them. Writing new songs bumped other things from the top of their to-do lists. It wasn't wrong to say that they'd become consumed by it. But they were on their way to becoming professional musicians, after all.

They had their ups and downs. Some shows were better than others, but none were ever too terrible. But the best nights, the ones where they were so happy to be onstage, was when they saw a familiar face or two in the crowd, a face unrelated and not similar to their own. The novelty of having mommy there wore off, and they felt a bit silly for ever being excited she was there in the first place. They weren't little kids, and they shouldn't be dependant on their mother. But when they saw a friend in the crowd, there was no option but to smile. Whether it was Jeremy or one of the girls in their circle, it didn't matter. They had come to see the twins play. They didn't hate them as Tegan and Sara had started to believe. And they did have minds of their own. Laura didn't have as much control over them as she thought she did.

Laura no longer controlled any aspect of Tegan or Sara's lives. Both had put her behind them romantically. They had each other and that was all that they would ever need. Laura's alliance had been broken apart from the inside out. Everyone had sided with her during her miniature war with the twins because they felt that she was too powerful. But they soon got just as tired of her attitude. They found that if they banded together against her, there wasn't a thing she could say or do to stop them. Laura was now the one who was kicked out of the group and forced to sit by herself at lunch. Tegan and Sara had their friends back, and school was no longer so terrible.

Things were going well considering how fucked up and depressing their lives were only a couple of months ago. They were allowed to spend the day with friends, the only people they felt comfortable around, whether or not they had secrets hidden from them. And they could spend the afternoons with their music. And nights were reserved for each other. They bonded beneath the sheets of their shared, twin-sized bed, whether those moments were spent expression passion, talking or just feeling each other.

But what was good never stayed that way for long. Sometimes good times turned to great times. And sometimes great times turned to horrible times.


	23. Chapter 23

**Violate**

**Chapter 23**

They found out about the contest by accident.

Tegan was in homeroom working on last night's math homework. She was trying to concentrate, but focus problems were what had prevented her from completing it last night. Equations just no longer interested her (not that they ever had). Her mind wandered off to other things like Sara what they were serving for lunch in the cafeteria…

But she was even distracted from those thoughts. Her homeroom teacher was relatively strict and enforced a silence rule. When someone dared to talk to a friend, it was blatantly obvious, and their hushed whispers sounded like the loud buzz of a bee just inches from your ear. The two skater boys behind Tegan were repeat offenders of this and the only two people rebellious enough to risk the punishment of breaking the rule. They talked often and Tegan had become pretty good at tuning them out. They usually talked of nonsense, video games, parties or skating, but today certain words from their conversation kept squeezing past Tegan's mental blockade and drifted into her ears. Four words in particular stood out to Tegan, 'music', 'contest', 'battle', and 'bands'.

Intrigued, Tegan turned around in her chair as if being able to see the boys would allow her to hear them better. A two foot long poster laid on one of the boys' desk. The edges were ripped and the top layer of color on them had disappeared, exposing the fluffy, ultra-thin white of the paper. It had probably been taped to a wall or telephone pole before being so brutally confiscated by the boy's grabby, greedy hands. The print was upside down, and without thinking Tegan reached for it. It was in her possession before either of the boys acknowledge her.

"Hey!" The thin, shaggy blond-haired one whispered, voice hushed but urgent. "What do you think you're doing?"

Tegan skimmed the poster. "The first annual Calgary Battle of the Bands! Auditions will be held on May 5th. The top ten competitors will duke it out on stage on Saturday, the fourteenth of June. Don't miss out on this jamming' event! Admission Tickets are twenty dollars. But yours now before they sell out!" The midnight blue page was decorated with electric guitars and amps. The lettering was red and orange to give the impression of fire, of the heat and electricity the creators expected from the competition.

Tegan's eyes lifted from the page and focused on the two boys again. "What is this?"

"It's a battle of the bands contest," said the older boy with the sprouting moustache. He pointed to his friend and then to himself. "We're thinking of entering."

"You guys are in a band?" Tegan thought she knew everyone musically inclined at the school - minus the band geeks and choir singers. But these guys didn't fit into either of those groups.

"Well … no," the blond stuttered. "But how hard can it be to learn an instrument? We'll be famous in no time." The two high-fived.

Tegan rolled her eyes. These idiots didn't know a thing about music. She and Sara had grown up around music and had been playing for years and they still were far from perfecting the art. Musical talent wasn't something you can learn. You were born with it. And even that didn't assure that you'll make it as a musician. The music industry was a cut throat world.

She placed the poster on its rightful owner's desk after reading it a couple more times, committing the date and time of auditions to memory. She'd write them down and tell Sara about it later.

"So," said the older boy. "Are you going to come see us play?" He looked Tegan up and down, starting at her head, gaze dipping lower and lower to her mouth, her neck, all the way down to the swell of her bosom until the back of the chair blocked his view. He brought this eyes back up to hers. "You could be one of our groupies." His right eye winked.

Tegan didn't bother to hide the roll of her eyes. Teenage boys were such pigs.

But part of her swelled shamefully with satisfaction. His gaydar hadn't picked up on her. If that boy thought she was straight, then that meant everyone else did too. She knew she shouldn't feel that way, so ashamed of who she was, but she couldn't help but feel relief. In the world's oblivious eyes she was still considered normal.

The more she thought about the contest, the more excited Tegan became about it. She wondered how public it was. How many people would be there? If they won, everyone in Calgary could know their names. But Tegan had always been told she was a dreamer. She had to be rational about this and not get carried away. If she hadn't heard about the contest before now, then it probably wasn't that big a deal. Still, it sounded like a good promotional opportunity. And even if not a soul showed up, it would still be fun.

She had one class with Sara in dehorning, and she wanted nothing more than to shout her news across the room at her sister. She was bursting with excitement, but she didn't want to tell Sara bout it in the middle of class. She wanted to discuss it and make a decision about what they would do.

"What are you smiling about?" Sara asked her.

"Nothing. I'll tell you later."

They took their respective seats, and it wasn't for another couple of hours that they got the chance to talk to each other again.

Tegan got to lunch early so that she and Sara could have some time alone to talk before their friends arrived and joined them at the small, round table.

"What's up?" Sara asked, secretly overjoyed at seeing her sister after what seemed like such a long absence.

Tegan pulled a folded sheet of paper out of her pocket, expanded it, and set it on the table. A few small frays of paper from where the paper was torn out of a notebook fell off and littered the red table top. "This."

Sara picked up the paper and read its scribbles, but she failed to see the purpose. "It's just dates and times." She threw Tegan and questioning look and set the sheet back down.

"Yeah. It's the date and time of a battle of the bands contest."

"Battle of the bands?" Sara scrunched her nose in distaste. "I don't know, Tee. That doesn't really sound like us. I equate 'battle of the bands' with electric guitars and screaming and head banging, and we don't' do any of that. We're just … light punk."

Tegan was disappointed. She was already looking forward to this. To think Sara didn't want to do it crushed her.

"Just because we're no the Smashing Pumpkins doesn't mean we can't enter. And it's nto a battle of the death metal bands. It sounds fun!"

Sara shook her head. "I don't know…"

"Can't we at least try out?" Tegan pleaded. "If we're not what they're looking for, then they'll tell us that."

Sara was still unsure.

Tegan grabbed her sister by the shoulders. "Come on, Sara. Think of the band. Think of what this could do for us if we won. Please? Can we do it?"

Sara looked her older sister in the eye and saw the excitement and disappointment there. Tegan ahd her heart set on this. Who was she to make Tegan unhappy?

"Okay, we can try out."

Tegan smiled so wide her gums showed. She was ecstatic. She wanted to tell all of their friends so that they could come and cheer them on.

As if she knew what Tegan was thinking, Sara said, "But don't tell anyone, okay? At least not until we know if we make it."

More disappointment ran through Tegan like the second of the euthanizing shots. But she didn't object because she knew where Sara was coming from. If no one expected them to make it, then there was no pressure on them. They would do better if they knew that there would be no consequences or hurt feelings if they didn't make it. And they didn't want to sound like they'd already gotten the spot. Too much self-confidence and arrogance was the best way for your hopes and dreams to come crashing down.

In light of her views on the contest, Sara refused to push herself any harder than she already was. It was near the end of the school year, and she had finals and projects to worry about. Her musical talent wouldn't disappear just because she wasn't' using it to her full potential for a few weeks.

She encouraged Tegan to do the same and back away from music long enough to bring all her grades up and end the school year with a bang. Tegan did start finish her homework before she did anything else, but often times the second she was done she went straight for her guitar. Sara realized that this contest meant a lot to Tegan. There was no way for anyone to kill her sister's spirit. If she had her mind set on something, she would go about accomplishing it in any way she needed to.

Two weeks before the auditions and one week after school let out, Sara found herself in the music store again. It felt like home. Records were stacked around her like books without a shelf, just waiting to find a home. The deep pulses of drums pounded out by a potential customer in the percussion session formed a tattoo perfectly in sync with her heartbeat. A small child escaped from its mother's grasp and pounded out a dissonant tune with its chubby fingers on the nearest keyboard, introducing itself into the mystical world of music for the first time. Guitars hung from the walls like pictures, and dangling price tags indicated that their worth was not a thousand words, but a thousand dollars.

The guitars reminded her of why she was here. She went in search of an employee. The displayed guitars - however glistening and glorious they may have been - were far too expensive for her. She needed someone to direct her to the less flashy guitars, the used ones from lesser known brands.

A pimple-faced kid whose name tag read 'Bart' was the first person she found. She briefly questioned whether or not she knew him from school. He seemed like a student who had just happened to score an extra sweet summer job. But he made no indication that he knew her, so their small talk was completely business related.

He directed her towards an out of the way corner, a sort of castaway island for all the second hand guitars. Some of them looked like they belonged here. It made sense that they weren't prominently show. It would make the store look bad. But some of them looked brand new. These seemed out of place among their worn and scratched brethren. They were fortunate enough to have careful owners in their past lives. These were the ones that drew Sara's eye. If she wanted a piece of crap, she could easily find it at a rummage sale. She wanted something nice. Something that would make a great gift for Tegan.

With one half of the guitars already out of the question, Sara continued to narrow down the options. Acoustics were thrown out because she and Tegan both already had one. She wanted to buy an electric. The upgrade would give them a new sound, more range, take them to a completely new level of depth. The only question was which kind to pick. What color suited Tegan best? Which sizes were too large for her small frame? She could only base her decision on her own personal opinions. She could judge an accurate size given that they both had the same stature, and she knew that the color didn't matter all that much. It was more about the instrument itself and what kind of sound it produced, not how flashy it looked.

Then she saw it. She was drawn to it the moment she laid eyes on it, and upon closer inspection she dubbed it perfect. It fit perfectly in her lap and the neck felt right beneath her fingers in a way that she couldn't explain. Its sleek, glossy black finish impressed but wasn't over the top, and there was only one nearly invisible scratch on its face.

"How much?" she asked.

"$450," he answered.

She had the money, but she was still a bit hesitant to give it up. She wanted to have a sizeable amount stored in the bank when she left for college or university or wherever it was life would take her. Not to mention how many other things she could buy with that much money.

"I'll throw in an amp for $550," he added.

The guitar was practically useless without the amp, and they didn't have one. She had to admit, she probably wouldn't' be able to get a better deal anywhere else.

But Bart saw the hesitance on Sara's face. He was really hoping to make this sale. His boss would praise him, and he'd be able to climb up the ranks in no time.

"Tell you what. For you, I'll make it $525." Sara smiled. Bart leaned in closer. "I like a girl who can play guitar."

There were a number of ways that Sara could respond. She could roll her eyes, tell him off, or, more extremely, kick him in the nuts for being such a horny sleazebag. Instead, she chose to be mature about it. She looked him dead in the eye, poker face in place, and said, "So do I."

Sara took great satisfaction in the look on his face as all color drained from it like air from a pricked balloon. His busted bubble made her ego swell. A quiet 'oh' escaped past his thin lips, now in a serious, straight line.

"So, $500 is out deal then?" she asked, purposefully shedding off another $25 just because she knew she could.

"Yeah." He made an effort of looking anywhere other than Sara's face in hopes that he could defy physics with the thought process of 'if I can't see her, then she can't see me'. His face went from pale to bright red. His zits turned white and accented his wine colored cheeks like parmesan cheese on a pizza. "I'll ring you up."

After making a down payment on the guitar and making arrangements for her dad to pick up the amp the next day, Sara headed home, gift in hand. She walked down Main Street with a smile on her face and her head looking up. Light gray clouds were over head, but even they couldn't kill her mood. She just hoped that it didn't start raining. She hadn't thought to bring her guitar case with her. She picked up the pace a bit and reached the apartment just as the sky darkened.

She would have wrapped and presented the guitar as a gift, but it was pretty impossible to keep something so large a secret. It had the same effect anyway. The shock on Tegan's face when she walked into the house with such a beautiful instrument when she had no known prior knowledge of any intention of one being purchased was perfect. Sara was delighted.

She hoisted the guitar in the air as if displaying a trophy. Tegan was speechless. Sara placed the strap around Tegan's chest, and let the guitar fall into her sister's possession. "For you."

"For me? What? Why?" She was baffled, shocked, and happier than she'd been in a long while.

"Because you always put up with my crap, even when you don't agree with me. And because I thought you'd like to use it at auditions."

Tegan's tempted to strum a few chords, but instead she took off the guitar and set it on the floor. She pulled Sara close to her and leaned in for a kiss. "You're amazing."

Sara's heart fluttered, and she kissed Tegan back.

"I'm making this up to you." Sara raised an eyebrow and Tegan could only smirk and plant a kiss on Sara's neck.

In Sara's opinion, she received the better gift.


	24. Chapter 24

Tegan watched the little and big hands of the clock inch their way towards the three and the six respectively in disbelief. It was late, or rather, early. She'd been up for nearly twenty-four hours straight. She couldn't go to sleep yet, just couldn't. Her nerves wouldn't permit it. They had battle of the band auditions tomorrow, and she wasn't perfect yet. Wasn't a master. What time was there to sleep when practice was still so necessary.

She plucked away at the strings of her acoustic, knowing that she would never be satisfied with the way it sounded and how she played. More than anything she longed to play her new electric guitar. She was only just getting used to the feel of it. They weren't going to be using it for auditions, but if they made it into the competition, Tegan wanted it as the ace up her sleeve. She had to get better at it. But she kept plucking lightly at the acoustic with calloused fingertips, hoping to play away her anxieties and insecurities.

No matter how quiet Tegan tried to be, it wouldn't change the fact that their room was only the size of some peoples' closets. The notes easily floated into Sara's sleeping ears. Her ears, more symmetrical a pair than Tegan's normal right ear and bent left, twitched and itched subconsciously. For a few minutes this was tolerated, but it was only a matter of time before a sleep-possessed hand slapped involuntarily at her ears to relieve the peculiar tingling. Upon hitting her own face, Sara was woken.

"Tegan?" she asked as her drowsy mind picked up the barely audible music. When she saw her sister's shadow in the corner of the room, she let out an exasperated sigh. "Tegan, go to sleep," she whispered just loud enough for her twin to hear her and pick up on her annoyance.

Tegan heard Sara but made no attempt to stop. She was still jittery, and sleep was nowhere near upon her.

Tegan kept playing and Sara let out a crabby groan. She picked up Tegan's pillow. It was cold, not at all how something on which Tegan's head should have been resting should feel. She tossed it at her sister's direction without a clear aim. She missed her mark, and the pillow hit the wall. Sara groaned again as Tegan smirked and placed her fingers back over the frets she'd released to dodge the cushion. Sara placed her own pillow around her head. It was warm against her ears like a heating pad. It acted as a buffer between her and Tegan, blocking out her sister for the most part. Uncomfortable without a pillow on which to rest her head, Sara still managed to fall back asleep.

Tegan on the other hand didn't close her eyes that night for anything other than blinking. As the hours ticked by, she got more nervous. By the time eight A.M. came around and it was time for Sara and her dad to wake up, she was a wreck.

By nine they were at their usual little café for breakfast. Stephen ordered his usual. Sara ordered a cup of coffee and eggs and bacon. When Tegan's turn came, she denied the waitress's request to take her order. TI wasn't that she wasn't hungry. She was just afraid that anything she ate now would come back up later.

"Are you sure you don't want anything?" The waitress asked her the same way her dad did with his eyes.

Before she could insist, Sara interjected. "Just put down two of my order."

The young server smiled contently, jotted something on her notepad, and sauntered off.

"Sara!" Tegan groaned. "I'm not in the mood for food."

"You'll feel better after you eat. I promise."

Tegan's stomach turned, insisting otherwise.

When the food came, her stomach voiced its protest again. The greasy egg whites and overcooked bacon had no chance of staying down if placed in her digestive system, and the last thing she needed was to throw up before auditions. Or worse, during. She pushed the plate away from her, hoping that her family would be too distracted by their own hunger to notice her fasting.

Sara sipped her coffee and eyed her sister over the rim of the mug. "Eat, Tegan."

"No, Mom," Tegan teased, knowing that it pissed Sara off. "I'm not hungry."

"Eat," the younger twin commanded. "I don't want you crashing later. You need energy."

Tegan examined an amorphous grease blob on the egg's yolk. "How is this supposed to give me energy? It's not even healthy for me."

"Fine then," Sara said, changing her approach. "All the added unhealthy stuff will make you really tired and lethargic and help you calm your nerves." Whatever would convince her sister to eat.

"Well, I don't want to fall asleep either."

"That's what the coffee is for."

That coffee would probably give her a heart attack. Drinking coffee with her pulse already pounding was nearly the equivalent to chugging an energy drink before boarding a rollercoaster.

For the sake of not complicating things further, Tegan tentatively picked up her fork and poked at her food. She popped the yolk of her egg, and the yellow goo covered the egg whites like lava and ash over Pompeii. It looked even less appetizing now. Sara watched her carefully, expecting. As if putting on a play, Tegan obediently placed a bacon strip on her tongue. She chewed and cringed as she felt the gristle tickle the inside of her throat.

"Happy?"

Sara nodded in approval.

Tegan only ended up eating half of her platter, and Sara gladly finished her lukewarm coffee for her. The rest of her meal was loaded into a Styrofoam take-out container and stored in the fridge at the apartment.

By eleven both girls were sitting on the living room couch, waiting for Sonia to come pick them up. Usually she didn't come until later, around 1:30 or 2:00, but auditions were at noon, and she was taking them.

Stephen eyed them suspiciously. "Isn't it a bit early for your mom to be coming?"

"We've got the battle of the bands audition today."

"It's at noon," Tegan added as if she hadn't been repeating the date and time in her head for the past week in an obsessive compulsive manner.

"Oh! Oh, right. Well, uh, g-good luck." He attempted a smile and his face blushed ruby red. He'd forgotten all about the battle of the bands contest they'd told him about a month ago. It explained a lot of their abnormal behavior lately, from Tegan especially. Just this morning over the breakfast table he'd watched his eldest daughter with suspicion. She had an anxious, twitchy feel to her, and the only explanation he could come up with for it was withdrawal. He wasn't oblivious to the fact that they experimented with drugs. He never said anything because he had felt bad punishing them for something when he'd done the same as a teenager. Hypocrisy wasn't something he wanted to be associated with. Lately, the blood shot eyes and muffled groans and heaves in the bathroom had stopped, and he thought the drugs had stopped too. If that was the case, then he wouldn't complain because it meant that they had stopped using. Nerves because of an audition were something a parent should suspect before drugs when something was wrong with their children. He felt mildly ashamed and embarrassed for his assumption.

When Sonia arrived, Stephen was still embarrassed. He refused to speak to her, stopping him from making an even bigger ass of himself.

It was a sign up at the door kind of audition. They got there early just in case the place was packed. It was anyone's guess to how long auditions would last, and a place at the bottom of the list could guarantee long hours of waiting.

Luckily, the center for the arts building didn't seem to crowded. It wasn't deserted, but there was enough room for each act to have their own space in which to warm up. Some tuned and strummed their guitars. Some beat light tattoos against their drums. One man stood in the corner with his portable keyboard in its case under his arm and kicked at the wall. Each group did their own thing, but the only thing that mattered to the twins was that it was a diverse crowd. Relief washed over them. It wasn't a wannabe Ozzy Osborne fest as they feared it might be. Very few black makeup and vampiric costumes were present.

The registration table was empty and Sonia took the liberty of occupying it while she could. The woman behind the table, probably one of the center's workers, presented the sheet to her with a smile. As far as Sonia knew, her daughters didn't have a real name for their band. On stage they simply introduced themselves by their names. So that's what she put down, 'Sara and Tegan.'

There were a cluster of chairs in the center of the lobby, though some had been dragged away from the group and scattered about the room. This is where Tegan and Sara sat while Sonia signed them up.

Before too long two familiar faces sat down next to Tegan.

"So, you came to cheer us on after all." It was the two less than intelligent boys who sat behind Tegan in homeroom. The blonde spoke first.

Sara had no idea who either of these boys were, but she listened to them, brow furrowed in confusion.

"And you brought your sister," the brunette, obviously the blonde's sidekick, said. At what he thought was out of earshot of the twins he whispered to his partner in crime, "Dude, there's one for each of us."

Tegan scoffed, telling Sara that this wasn't just playful banter and that these guys weren't Tegan's friends. She stood, and while she may have only been 5'3, she was no less intimidating than someone who stood a foot taller than her. "Listen, we're not here for you - whoever the fuck you are. We're here to win this." Her tone was less than friendly.

Tegan saw Sonia head towards them, and she placed a hand between Sara and the boys. If Sara didn't calm down, she would explode and say a few choice words she would regret letting her mother hear.

The blonde was about to retaliate when the doors to the audition room sung open. The woman with the registration list called for the next band. "The Barfing Weasels?"

As if it was fate, the two boys picked up their instruments and walked away, answering the woman's call. Their angry eyes didn't leave Sara's until they were forced to turn around.

"I bet barfing weasels are what they sound like," Sara said it to Tegan, but made sure it was loud enough for the boys to hear her.

"Wow, she really is a dyke," was the blonde's similar comeback.

Anger swelled within Sara like a tidal wave. She saw red, and Tegan knew that she wanted nothing more than to get her hands on those immature dumb asses.

"Just ignore him," Tegan said, even though she hated that word, hated how it was used negatively, and hated how it was used to insult her sister. She wanted nothing more than what Sara wanted, revenge, but they weren't worth it.

The Barfing Weasels were gone no more than three minutes before they came out of the audition room grumbling curses as they left. Not once did they glance back to Tegan or Sara. The twins both smirked and imagined just what had happened. Sara guessed that they got to play no more than thirty seconds of a song before the judges stopped them and stomped their hopes and dreams into the ground.

"Sara and Tegan?" The registration lady said their names and any nerves Tegan had forgotten about because of the events of the last few minutes were back.

"It'll be fine," Sara soothed, noticing her tense sister. "It's the same as playing in front of any audience. You can do that, so you can do this." With one hand Sara grabbed her guitar. With the other she grabbed Tegan's identical hand. The two didn't separate until they got into the audition room.

There were three judges, two men and a woman. Tegan and Sara were excited to see a woman in the bunch. There weren't that many women in the music industry, and to see a woman doing something even as mediocre as this was still cause for respect. She even seemed to be the leader of the pack, like an alpha dog almost. She introduced all three of them and then smiled and gave the signal for them to start. "Whenever you're ready."

An introduction felt necessary, so before they started playing, Sara introduced them. "We're Sara and Tegan," she pointed to the appropriate person as their names were said.

On a count of three they launched into "Here I am", the song they'd selected to play. Most of their songs were centered around one person's vocals while the other did backup, but this song showcased them both equally.

Tegan's heart continued to pound, and she couldn't' bring herself to meet her audience in the eye. She looked down as if focusing on her guitar. She sang a few decibels louder than usual, knowing that it would be more difficult to hear her with her head down.

It seemed like a long few minutes, but they kept playing. They weren't stopped or interrupted, and they didn't' hear a peep from the judges until they'd finished. They weren't sure of the reasoning behind that, and as they looked p at the judges aces, they still couldn't tell their opinions. Sara damned professional adults and their ability to always look so indifferent.

Again, the woman was the first to speak. "I thought it was great."

"Definitely refreshing. Every other act we've seen so far has been terrible," the mustached man to her left added.

At this comment the third man rolled his eyes as if remembering something less than happy. "I'll say."

Tegan and Sara both smiled and let out a sigh at the same time.

"So did we make it?" Tegan asked.

"Uh…" The woman stumbled for a moment. Tegan's face fell. "Just one question?"

"Yeah, what?" Sara asked, trying to ignore the woman's melancholy tone.

"Um… how old are you?"

"Almost sixteen," Sara said, never skipping a beat, as if it were rehearsed.

"I was afraid of that." The woman sighed.

"What's wrong?" Tegan asked.

One of the men took over for her. "Everyone in the contest must be eighteen or older. Unfortunately."

"What?" The twins said in unison.

"It never said that on any of the flyers," Tegan said. There had been plenty around town, and she was sure she'd read all the different ones. It was how she found out the times for auditions.

"We're aware," the woman took over again. "It was an overlooked detail."

"Wait," Sara interjected. "Are you saying we can't be in the contest?"

"I'm afraid not. But if you want to come back in a couple of years, we can almost guarantee you'll get a spot."

It didn't matter if they could re-audition in a couple of years. This was their dream now. They wanted to live it now.

Tegan stormed out of the room, heartbroken and slightly pissed. Sara followed after her, having nothing left to say to the judges.

Sonia met them outside the door, with hopeful, prying questions of "How did you do?" and "Did you make it?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Tegan said, ushering the subject away.

They were good enough, just not old enough. They had the talent, and yet they were restricted because of something they couldn't control. It didn't seem fair.


	25. Chapter 25

Sara had her notebook in her lap, but she couldn't bring herself to write lyrics, not after the upset they'd had that morning at auditions. She was doodling. She didn't have a sketchbook for such things, but she didn't need one. There was no purpose in what she was drawing. It was just a way to get her mind off of things.

A phone rang in the distance and Sonia's voice followed. From downstairs she called to her children, "Can someone please get that?"

She must have been preoccupied with cooking, Sara figured, and she knew that Tegan wouldn't get the phone. Her sister had locked herself in her room. She hadn't even wanted Sara's company. It had been hours since Tegan had made her presence known, and it sure as hell wasn't happening now just because their mother wanted her to get the phone.

Sara walked into the hallway where one of their two landlines was. "Hello?" Sara answered unenthusiastically, expecting the call to be unimportant, a telemarketer or charity organization, perhaps.

"Sara?" The tone of the other person on the line was briefly questioning, but whoever it was seemed confident enough about the answerer's identity to continue without waiting for Sara to respond. "I just found out the most amazing thing!"

Sara could tell by the voice, now, that it was her friend Jessica. They hadn't talked much since summer vacation started. In fact, neither of the twins had talked to hardly any of their friends in a while. They hadn't needed to. They had each other for company and their music busied up their schedules. Even though they hated to admit it, they seemed a bit distant from their friends. They'd spent a lot of time together once reunited after Laura had torn them apart, but in that time they realized just how much things had changed in their life. It wasn't the same to be around the people they'd spent all these years with. It no longer felt natural. Their friends, now almost strangers, had no idea what was happening, and they didn't seem to be changing the way Tegan and Sara had. They had the same dreams they'd had for the past couple of years, and Sara couldn't even look back on what her life had been like during the beginning of the last school year without cringing and thinking herself shallow. Whatever news Jessica had probably wouldn't concern her much.

"There's a music competition today! Or try-outs anyway. You two have to go! I know you'd knock their socks off."

Sara gulped. Not even their friends could distract them from their disappointment. It was a good thing Tegan hadn't decided to answer the phone because this would have been the part where she would have hung up and sulked back to her room with refreshed depression and what very thin scabs that had developed over the wounds peeled off, newly exposing her again. Sara could deal with it, although she wished she didn't have to.

"We already know about it, Jess." Sara's tone was dejected, but Jess didn't seem to catch the sadness immediately.

"Well then, why aren't you down there?"

"We already went," Sara explained.

"That's good!" She paused. "Wait, you don't sound that happy. What happened?"

"There's an age restriction. We're not eighteen yet."

"What?" Jess's voice was so shrill that Sara had to jerk the phone away from her ear. She kept it a foot away from her while she cringed as Jessica continued ranting. "That's bullshit! Who cares how old you are? You guys are better than any of those eighteen year olds! Those idiots!"

"Jess, calm down!"

"No, I'm not going to calm down. That's ridiculous!"

Sara brought the phone back to her ear so that she could properly speak again. "Yeah, it is. But whatever. We can't do anything about it." All they could do was shrug it off and hope for better luck when they auditioned again in two years. Now she was happy that they'd decided not to inform anyone about their auditioning before hand or else everyone they knew would be having the same reaction as Jessica. This was the disappointment that Sara had been hoping to avoid.

"I guess," Jess agreed, cooling down a bit. "Hey, you can come play at my party tonight. We'll listen to you. No certain age required." She giggled a little.

"I would, but I don't think Tegan's in any shape to play anytime soon."

"Too pissed off?"

"More upset, I think. She took it pretty hard."

"Ah. Well, hey, you guys could still come. Our parties haven't been the same without you."

There might have been some truth to what Jess was saying, but Sara knew that she was only saying that because they were friends. Tegan and Sara were never the center of attention at parties. Not even when they were the entertainment. They weren't wild or daring, they were just there, bodies surrounded by familiar bodies. Not important, but not invisible. Still, it was nice to be missed.

"Like I said, it depends on Tegan. I don't want to go without her." She didn't really want to at all, but Tegan's mental health was more important anyhow.

"Well, alright." Jess was pouting and Sara could tell. "See you later." The farewell greeting was customary and hopeful, if not true.

"Yeah, bye," Sara said, not falling into the potential trap.

Sara put the phone back on its receiver in the hallway. With its close proximity to the kitchen and the help of the ventilation system, the hallway smelled delicious. The scent of dinner wafted into the vestibule and made Sara's stomach grumble. She hadn't eaten lunch due to the time of auditions being the same time at which she normally ate, and the upset afterwards killing her appetite. She debated going to the kitchen and waiting for dinner, but Sonia hated it when anyone pestered her while she was cooking if they weren't offering to help. And Sara wasn't in the mood to stir the pot or set the table. Not when she didn't even know how Tegan was doing.

Tegan's room was at the end of the hallway, taking her further away from the aroma of roast beef and its temptations, which Sara was thankful for. She knocked out of politeness, but she wasn't surprised when Tegan didn't answer. So she walked in of her own accord, knowing that she was the only one allowed to do so.

The lights were dimmed severely in Tegan's room, but it wasn't suspicious because that was the way Tegan always liked it. Sara never understood why Tegan enjoyed living in the darkness, but now it seemed to suit their mutual depressive moods, and she wasn't bothered by it.

Tegan was no more than a lump sitting on the edge of the bed. A pair of head phones was wrapped around her ears. Its cord led to a CD player, resting in her lap. Sara sat down next to her sister, and Tegan removed her headphones. The weight of Sara's body settling onto the mattress shifted the sensitive CD player, causing it to skip. But after a moment, the music resumed, and Sara could hear a drum beat pound through the tiny speakers. Tegan pressed the power button, switching the music off. She set the CD player aside gingerly.

"Who was on the phone?" Tegan asked.

"Jess."

Tegan nodded. "What'd she want?"

"She asked if we wanted to come over tonight." Sara purposefully left out the part mentioning the contest, knowing the topic was still sensitive. "I told her that you weren't feeling well and probably wouldn't want to come."

"Are you kidding me?" Tegan exclaimed. "A party's exactly what I need!"

"Tee . . . " Sara remembered a time not too long ago when Tegan had been adamant that Sara not smoke what they thought would be their last joint, just for the sake of doing it one last time, never to lead that kind of life style again. She thought they would give it up for good, especially Tegan.

Tegan knew what Sara was thinking because she was remembering it, too. "I need to take the edge off, Sar." The lack of reason was why she had been against it before. Now she needed to forget.

"Alright. But let's eat dinner first. I'm starving," Sara deflected, still uncertain as to how she felt. On one hand, she had been the one upset when Laura had stopped inviting them to her parties and cut them off from their drug and alcohol supply she used to so look forward to the weekends. But on the other hand, her sober, solitary life with Tegan was much more fulfilling.

Fulfilled or not, she obliged Tegan who actually seemed excited. It was better than seeing her locked up in her room the whole night, depressed. So they risked life and limb to sneak out. Because they were staying at their mother's on the weekend was another reason they'd stopped attending the events their friends hosted. Stephen was easy to fool, but Sonia would kill them if they got caught. Quietly, they climbed out Sara's window and made the treacherous descent to the ground below. They struck earth with two solid, subtle thumps. After making sure the impact hadn't caused any damage to their ankles or legs, Sara hid the small, rope ladder as best as she could behind the foliage of some plants.

It was a long walk before them, longer than the one to Laura's, but they didn't mind. It was warm outside, too hot during the day, but perfect at night. It was just them and the empty streets. No one was around to hear or see them. It was liberating for Sara to be able to hold her sister's hand in public. Never would Tegan allow it during daylight hours, but at night like this, only streetlamps illuminated their desires and only crickets and dogs protested. Sara wished that they could walk like this forever, forget where they were going and just go. It would make the risk of getting caught worth it, being with her sister so freely.

But Tegan's mind was elsewhere, focused on escape. She too took joy in clutching Sara's hand in her own, but in the back of her mind she knew that they weren't just going for a walk. Having a destination excited her, especially when she knew what awaited her when she arrived.

As they turned onto Jessica's road, Sara's fingers slipped from Tegan's before Tegan's could slip from hers, saving herself from involuntary loss as well as saving them from any suspicious nearby eyes.

There were a couple of guys on the porch, chatting and smoking cigarettes, but neither of the twins recognized them, and as they let themselves in, they were met with more unfamiliar faces, a crowded room full of them. Sara felt anxious in unfamiliar groups. Her eyes scanned desperately for someone she recognized and could put a name to, but she couldn't pick anyone out of the sea. She gripped Tegan's arm, knowing no one would notice and determined not to lose her sister. Unfazed, Tegan led, guiding them effortlessly through the crowd, knowing her way around the house having been here many times before.

"We should find Jess!" Sara had to shout to be heard over the stereo.

"Who cares about Jess?" Tegan asked to the body of her sister behind her.

Sara didn't say anything, but she let Tegan lead her into the kitchen. The side room wasn't as crowded as the living room, but there were several people standing around the island, surrounding it like warships. Tegan navigated through the armada to get to the keg. She gave the first cup of beer to Sara who took it without interest, not very fond of the thought of getting drunk and not that thirsty. Tegan filled another plastic cup with the amber liquid and chugged it, her bum never leaving its seat on the counter. With a few final gulps Tegan let out a satisfied exhale. She admired the residue bubbles and foam at the bottom of the red container momentarily before promptly giving herself a refill and sipping at it as she slid to the floor again.

"Jesus, Tegan. Slow down."

Tegan shrugged as if Sara had asked a question instead of given a command.

The older girl nudged her twin playfully and grabbed Sara's wrist with her free hand again, alcohol already rushing to her head. They diffused back into the living room, and Sara's pulse quickened upon entering the crowd again. Tegan felt the heartbeat in Sara's wrist pound against her hand and she pressed the pad of her index finger into Sara's palm to comfort her. It was as close as they would get to physical affection in public and Sara thanked the alcohol for it.

Sara allowed Tegan to walk her through the sea of strangers like a dog on a leash because she knew that she would be more comfortable once they found someone they knew. They wandered for a good ten minutes and accomplished little more than traveling in circles and depleting their beer supply. Tegan's cup ran out of the fluid, and Sara, still not wanting to imbibe the alcohol no matter how nervous people were making her, gave Tegan her own drink. Sara held her sister's empty plastic container as Tegan smiled, thanked her, and drank.

Inevitably, it seemed, someone ran into them. Whoever it was bumped right into Tegan's back, forcing her to release Sara to regain her balance, and spilling her drink in the process, soaking and staining her jeans. At least there wasn't much left to spill. Sara had sipped through half of it, and Tegan had quickly downed another fourth. The alcohol already present in Tegan's system soothed the irritation she would have had were she sober. She was going to shrug the collision off. Until she saw who it was that had bumped into her.

When she turned, it was Laura she faced, not the drunken Neanderthal she'd thought it would be. Tegan expected to hear a grumbled 'sorry' or dismiss the action without hearing a word of apology, but she wasn't prepared for Laura's exaggerated gasp or sarcastic "Oh, I'm so sorry!" Tegan began grumbling something no one, not even Tegan really understood until she thought better of speaking at all. She pursed her lips to silence herself and gave Laura a stern look. Sara bit her tongue and reached out for Tegan's wrist again. Laura's eyes drifted down to where their hands made contact. She looked back up at them and raised her eyebrows, surprised but still snarky. She tsked with her tongue. "Well, then. . . "

"What's your fucking problem?" Sara snapped, unable to hold her tongue any longer. She was going to keep quiet, but Laura's malicious intents were too obvious, and she was tired of it. She was sick of the blonde harassing them when they'd done nothing wrong. Holding grudges seemed childish. The twins had been willing to passively ignore her for a while now, but Laura was still bitter, and they tried their hardest to ignore her puerile antics.

"I think your problem is a bit bigger than mine." Her eyes widened for a second, then reduced back to their normal size and she continued. "I just never expected those two bozos to be right about anything."

"Wait. What? Who?" As shallow as she was, Laura was never that vague.

The tall blonde rolled her eyes. "Who else is everyone talking about - I mean, besides you."

They never paid attention to the crowd or what it was saying. Everyone's words melted together like a stick of butter into chatter and the music drowned them like milk in a pan. There was barrier on top of barrier of noise and it wasn't until prompted that the twins tried listening through them. That was the first time they noticed the screaming (though it seemed more like whispering in audibility and theory) of names. "Tegan," "Sara," "Dylan," "Josh." The names were exchanged like drugs amongst strangers. But neither of the twins could hear the context. They could only pick up on their names, as if they were the only words of a foreign language that they understood.

Tegan's entire body went clammy. A roomful of strangers knew her name and she didn't know why. Did she even know a Dylan or a Josh?

Then, in the crowd she spotted two distinct faces and most of her questions were answered. The Barfing Weasels. They were the only two people who could possibly be Dylan and Josh. Who else would be spreading rumors about them than the two jealous skaters? Now, if only she knew what they were saying.

Anger replaced fear and Tegan approached the boys like a ticked off bull, dragging Sara along for the ride by the hand. Before she could say anything, the boys spotted her.

"Hey, Josh," said the blonde, Dylan, to his comrade, "Speak of the devil, look who's here!"

His tone was mocking, and Tegan didn't appreciate it. She clenched her teeth together to quash some of the anger, but the fact that she was mad was still present in her voice. "What did you say?"

"Well, hello to you, too," Dylan greeted, pretending Tegan was being unnecessarily rude.

"Cut the bull," Sara said harshly, also upset. "What did you say about us? What did you say about our band?" Sara had figured if they were talking trash, then it was about their music. The boys didn't know the twins personally, and Sara had only met them for the first time that afternoon at the battle of the bands contest.

"Your band?" Dylan sounded confused. "I don't know anything about your silly band."

Sara almost snapped at him for calling their music silly when he'd never heard them play, but she reigned in her hostility, recognizing that it wasn't the issue. She was about to ask what it was they were saying if it wasn't about music, but Dylan kept talking.

"I didn't expect to see you guys here."

"We didn't go home crying like babies," Tegan spat. She felt a twinge of hypocrisy, but she had gone home crying for a different reason other than flat our rejection. "We didn't expect to see you here. I figured you'd be at home with mommy."

Dylan's yellowed teeth clenched together in rage and his hands bawled into tight fists, grabbing at the air. He was a bullied dog and Tegan was the little kid who was proud, however wrong it was to be so, of teasing and annoying the pup. She took pleasure in his pain, but Dylan was a dog unafraid to bite back. "I figured you'd be at home in bed together," he returned.

"The fuck do you mean?" Sara asked.

"I was just trying to get some action from your sister, and you butt in like she's yours or something! I knew you were a dyke, but I didn't realize you were for your own sister, you freak. You managed to piss me off, and I figured you be at home with your little trophy, celebrating. But I wasn't going to let you win the prize that easily."

He was referring to that afternoon when Sara had stood up for Tegan after he'd made a similarly disgusting remark. He was twisting it the wrong way just to piss them off. He didn't even realize he was right.

Sara wanted to panic, but expressing fear wouldn't help her case. She could retaliate, call them butt buddies or something, but that would be stooping to their level, and she was above that. "Oh, fuck off!" she yelled, trying to convince the boys - and herself - that they were just annoying, little gants flying around her head that she wasn't bothered by but still had to swat at.

But Tegan's hand slipped out of her sister's, and Sara remembered that her twin was there, too. And she remembered that Tegan couldn't put up a facade the way she could, especially when it came to such sensitive topics. One glance at Tegan and Sara knew that her sister was not okay and hadn't been since the second she figured out what the rumor Dylan and Josh were spreading was. Ghost white and nearly as deceased, Tegan was in shut down mode. Sara had to get them both out of there quickly.

Dylan looked proud of himself for getting a reaction from Tegan, and for the second time that day Sara felt an overwhelming urge to smash her fist into his jaw. But that would be what he wanted, and Sara wouldn't give him the pleasure.

Tegan began looking progressively worse by the second. Sara placed a hand on her sister's upper arm to calm her, but Tegan flinched from the contact and it made Sara even more upset. Sara flipped The Barfing Weasels the bird before she could do something more violent, then she tightened her grip on Tegan's arm. Tegan was stiff like petrified wood. Sara began dragging her to the door as Tegan had done to her earlier. It felt like she was a carrying a life-size, life-weighted cardboard cutout of Tegan. She was about as responsive of the thin, paper material.

Tegan was too stunned to react to anything. She could barely understand why Sara was leading her. She couldn't feel her legs move. She didn't know where she was or what was going to happen. All she knew was that everyone around her was talking about her. A roomful of strangers was watching her. Everyone of them knew. They _knew_. Maybe all of the attention was some kind of punishment for their wanting to be famous. Maybe some deity was teaching them a lesson by showing them the negative side of their greed.

Nothing really sank in for Tegan until they were outside. They had gone from being completely surrounded and overwhelmed to alone in the quiet, deserted street. Too much had changed too quickly and the interruption in between had seemed like nothing more than a blur. It added to the confusion and Tegan's brain short-circuited. Her surroundings seemed to rush at her all at once as if the buildings were football players and the whistle that started the play had finally been blown. She ripped herself away from Sara as if dodging a tackle.

Sara called a time out and stopped in her tracks, surprised. "Tegan?" She reached out for her sister.

Tegan side-stepped, avoiding the contact. "Don't touch me."

She wanted to push, let Tegan know that everything was okay and show her that her sister wasn't worried, so she shouldn't be either, but she looked around and saw that they were on the exact same street they were on the last time they ran away from a party. During that encounter, Sara had argued with Tegan and all it had earned her was a black eye and sore jaw. It wasn't worth the lie, and Tegan would see through her anyway.

Sara's face fell. All she could think was, 'No. Not again.' She looked into Tegan's eyes and saw all of the previous doubt that she thought was long gone. Their relationship, her most trust-worthy player, had failed to execute the play, and she wasn't sure how the rest of the game would go from there.


	26. Chapter 26

Her stomach in her throat, Sara followed the shadows. Tegan had placed a good fifty yards between them, and all Sara could see was a hooded, dark silhouette of her sister that she refused to let out of her sight. Tegan wouldn't mind ditching her twin completely, but the streetlamps sent shadowed slendermen from all angles to connect them across the concrete like intangible twine.

It felt ironic for Sara to be following these small patches of dark under the moonlight. Quite recently, the dark had been following her. She thought she was outrunning it, but it seemed to have finally caught up and consumed her nearly entirely.

Not wanting to think about the fight, Sara distracted herself by trying to keep up with Tegan's pace. Her sister was rushing away as if she could literally run from the issue, but Sara had no reason to hurry into more inevitable conflict. Sara really tried to folow her twin, but Tegan never stumbled or slowed and after a while Sara stopped caring about keeping up. Whether she could see Tegan or not, Sara knew her sister's destination. She wouldn't wander off, she wouldn't run away, she would go home just like always. Sara would reach their house, and Tegan would be there safe and sound. So she let Tegan have the distance she wanted, and Sara slowed her pace and appreciated the numbing of her bones from the slight chill.

There was no joy when Sara arrived home. It was far from a mood booster. Home meant effort expended into reaching the walls' insides, and once there the internal temperature melted her numbness like a body fighting disease. Sara didn't want the warmth, and she was offended the place she called home would be so rude as to deny her what she wanted. Home was about comfort, and Sara was provided with very little of it.

Admittedly, a worry was diminished when Sara spotted a light in the hallway. It wasn't an overhead light or even a lamp, just a thin sliver of gold being mined out of Tegan's personal cave. Sara's sister had made it home.

A weight settled within her and an irrational fear driven away, Sara stood firm, her feet settled into the carpet like stain. Now she was faced with a choice; a choice to quit while she was ahead, comforted by light, or a choice to be brave and face more darkness.

She walked a few more feet.

The light was closer, brighter, but with the extension of an arm, Sara could touch her own door. She was so close to personal sanctuary. She glanced down at the floor and saw . . . nothing. Pitch black. Tegan's light didn't have the strength to grace the distance, and Sara didn't have her own glow.

She was tired of the darkness.

More carpet was ruffled by the flexing of ankles and toes. The light seemed more powerful with each step. Her pace quickened involuntarily. Everything in her needed that slit of illumination. She was almost there. It was within her grasp. And then . . . it receded. In an instant the hallway was nearer to complete darkness. Basically nothing was visible. Because of the lack of sight and shock at the adjustment, Sara faltered. She stumbled and caught herself against the wall.

The light increased in intensity.

Sara's eyes widened, shocked again. She quickly regained her balance, eager to reach the light before it began disappearing again. She stood up straight, and again the light faded. She panicked and moved her body once more, quickly discovering the light depened on her position. The closer she got to Tegan's door, the more her shadow covered the brightness.

Sara was the source of the darkness.

She couldn't see Tegan. Any light they had would be gone if she did. Sara wondered if Tegan could see her feet, her shadow beneath the crack of the door, interrupting her peace. Just the thought of Tegan's possible expression at the sight made Sara uneasy again. Would she be mad at Sara's disruption, or would she be worried of more conflict? Whether Tegan's eyebrows pointed towards a scowl or lifted in sadness, Sara wasn't prepared for the thought, let alone the actual confrontation.

Tears welled in Sara's eyes, the numbness fully gone. She backed away from the door, afraid of covering the light with silhouettes cast of her body once more. Her room was only a few feet away, and she raced there. There may not have been a light under her door, but it was still sanctuary to Sara. With the flick of a switch, her room could have been brighter than any place she'd seen all night, but Sara didn't bother. There was no point in bringing illumination to the room. It was useless, uncomforting, so she crawled into bed in the pitch black

Her sheets were cold, and she was thankful for that. She didn't deserve more warmth. She laid on her side and caught sight of the pale outlines of the city in the window. The moon was out. Everything was quiet. All was still, and it calmed Sara's thoughts. Being alone in the dark and leaving Tegan alone with her light was better than the yelling and crying and dread that would've occurred had Sara been more persistent. For once, she was almost happy that she gave up.

But there was nothing truly happy about what was happening. Sara awoke on her side and rolled over, expecting to find Tegan next to her. Not only did she realize they were at their mom's house, the events of last night also came rushing back at her. There was more than one reason Tegan wasn't beside her. Getting up was hard without a reason to get up. Some people started the day with Wheaties and a glass of orange juice. Sara started the day by cuddling with her sister. Without Tegan's immediate presence, a hole felt unfilled inside of her. Empty and unmotivated, Sara had a difficulty convincing her self to get out of bed, but it was almost noon and she knew that if she didn't pull herself together, her mother would barge in and command her to do it. Sara chose the easy route, no matter how hard it was for her.

Unlike the previous nights, all lights in the hallway were on and there was no sign of life from Tegan's room. Sara feared going downstairs. Tegan would be awake, waiting for her. Or more likely, dreading her animation and waiting to ignore her.

Sara hated everything, and it was all because of a stupid rumor that coincidentally happened to be true. Two immature teenage boys had ruined her romantic relationship and a sixteen year friendship in one night out of spite and jealousy. It was all so stupid. Yet here she was, and her twin, the only person who had ever mattered to her, was upset and wanted nothing to do with her.

Sara descended the staircase as slowly as possible, delaying her arrival and hopefully keeping anyone from noticing her. In the living room, the television was on, but Sara couldn't find anyone watching it. There was no sign of life in the kitchen either. Sara thanked the heavens she was alone, and she took the opportunity to pour herself a bowl of cereal in celebration. With her spoon she put pressure on the little brown circles, soaking the grains in milk. She took her first bite. Stale and cold. The milk stung her front teeth. It was the perfect breakfast.

She stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room, unsure of whether to stand by the counter until she finished her Cheerios, take control of the unattended television, or run to her room to eat in silence. She was too slow in deciding, and someone interrupted her thinking. For a split second all Sara could recognize was a female voice. She almost panicked, thinking it was her sister, but once Sara registered the bubbly tone, it was easy to tell that it was simply Sonia greeting her a good morning. Both relief and disappointment came over Sara. She automatically frowned, but she pulled her face quickly into a smile before anything seemed suspicious.

"Hi, Mom." They exchanged looks, and Sara's expression fell again soon after.

Sonia walked out of view, carrying her laundry basket to the couch. Her small frame ducked behind the sofa's spine, and Sara stopped worrying about her body language. Sara had wanted to change the western flashing on the screen, but now her mother was pulling fabric out of her plastic bucket while the outlaws pulled guns out of their leather holsters.

Still trapped between decisions and rooms, Sara continued to stand, even more awkwardly than before. She munched on her cereal, hoping the brain food would kick in and tell her what to do. Before long, though, she stuck her spoon in the bowl and it came back to her mouth as nothing more than cereal-flavored milk. A few drops spilled from the tip of the concave silver and plopped back into the bowl, splattering gently on her T-shirt. She jumped back from the unexpected wetness and sighed, pulling at her shirt to make the stain more visible in her line of sight. She abandoned her spoon in its bowl like a miner leaves their pickaxe inside the cave after a long day's work. She cupped the bowl in her hands like a mug of hot chocolate and sipped from the edge of it, careful not to spill anymore. When all that was left was a small puddle bogged down with crumbs, Sara deposited the container in the sink, running a stream of water into it to let it soak.

With no reason to remain downstairs, Sara could finally flee. She rushed halfway up the carpeted steps before Sonia interrupted her once again.

"Can you wake your sister while you're up there? Thanks, dear," she added without waiting for confirmation.

Sara stopped in her tracks. "Tegan isn't up yet?"

"I haven't seen her," Sonia replied.

Sara hadn't thought to consider that a lack of light from Tegan's room could mean that she was still asleep. As far as Sara knew, she had gone to bed before Tegan. It made sense that her sister was still asleep. That didn't mean Sara wanted to be the one to wake her, though.

She tread up the stairs slowly, unsure if she would actually invest effort into mustering up the courage to rouse her sister. Just because Sonia wanted the twins to wake up, doesn't mean she could actually expect them to. They all knew from years of experience that the two hardly ever woke up on time, especially not on the weekends when there was no consequential reason to. Sara could lie and say that she tried. Sonia would believe her, but there was still that part of her who had gravely missed Tegan's presence in her bed this morning, there was that part of her who wanted to resolve things last night. Would Tegan even wake up, though? Probably not. If she did, would they work things out? No. That was a bad idea regardless. Nothing good would come of it. It was too soon. She couldn't face it all at once. She couldn't face Tegan so fully. She would have to work herself up to it.

When the answered dawned on her, merely a sheet of wood separated Sara from her twin. She didn't knock, simply turned the handle. Excitement that she had made a decision pushed enough adrenaline through her veins for her to play out the decision. The door opened and Sara stepped inside. Her right hand clutching the brass knob, her left hand skimmed the wall, finding the switch there and flicking the small lever in the upright position. The light would pull Tegan from sleep but cause her to shild her eyes. Sara would accomplish her chore, be in the presence of her sister without stress, and flee the scene before Tegan ever realized who had woken her, a personal victory for the younger sibling. There was just one problem: Tegan wasn't in her bed.


	27. Chapter 27

White wood thunked in three rapid successions as white knuckles rapped against it. There was no guarantee the slight pain would be worth the expense of energy, but hopeful eyes looked through a peephole the opposite way the door's designers had intended. Nothing was visible, and the owner of the eyes shifted on the balls of their feet, their nerves equally as present as they were seconds ago. Brief moments passed, but they seemed so much longer than they actually were. The same hand raised, impatient and worried. More knocks echoed. A handle turned as if with difficulty, as if the turner were timid or . . . A child.

"Hey, Mikey." A smile.

"Tegan! I haven't seen you in forever!" The small boy wrapped himself around the legs of his long-lost friend.

While Tegan was relieved to see the kid, she hadn't expected to, and she wasn't sure what to say to him. She had one central focus, and since that wasn't Mikey, she wasn't prepared for his company. Nevertheless, she was glad he was there. His kindness made her smile and relax.

She figured he would suggest her as his playmate like typical, but she didn't have the time, and she spent what little free time she had in this moment thinking of the best way to break it to him. The boy was older, though, and more intuitive. "You want to see my sister."

Tegan nodded, taken aback.

He took her hand, his palm barely grasping around her larger fingers. He led her to the couch where he sat, his legs dangling over the edge of the cushions, but not quite reaching the ground. Cartoons were playing on the television. "Why haven't you visited?"

Tegan didn't sit. She could talk to Mikey, but she didn't want to get too distracted. "Laura and I were fighting."

"I can understand that."

Tegan held back something between a laugh and a scoff. His bluntness amused her, but kids were supposed to be inquisitive. No sister should be so bitchy that her seven-year-old brother doesn't even question her foul behavior, instead just simply acknowledges it.

"She's home," he added, knowing Tegan would ask. And she would've had to ask. Clearly no one else was in the house. Still no present parents. Nothing had changed here at all, and Tegan sighed. This was what she was running back to.

Tegan stood still too long, lost in thought and unresponsive. "Do you want me to get her?" Mikey asked, puzzled at why his friend hadn't said much of anything.

Tegan pulled herself back to the present and shook her head. "That kid dealt with enough shit. Tegan was someone he liked. She didn't want him to see her yell or cry or be screamed at or any of the other negative possibilities. "I remember where her room is."

Tegan wasn't sure what she expected. She didn't know how smoothly or roughly it would go. She'd never had time to think about it. A long time ago she abandoned this option entirely, and it had been even longer since this was a first choice. She wasn't the same person now. She just couldn't let anyone see that.

There was one thing Tegan knew for certain. Whether the outcome landed in her favor or not, everything would turn out terribly. Things were horrible now, and if anything changed, they'd just be a different kind of bad. She didn't want this, but she needed it. She needed the regression. She needed the simplicity. She needed - "You. I need you."

"Tegan?" Laura's eyes glanced up and down rapidly in disbelief. She had mentally prepared to scold Mikey for bothering her, not her ex best friend for appearing out of nowhere. "What the fuck. . ."

"I'm sorry. About everything," Tegan continued, false emotion pouring from her.

"Wait, wait, wait. Slow the fuck down," Laura stuttered. "What are you talking about? What are you even doing here?"

Tegan shrugged as if it were a nervous habit. "I missed you."

Laura thought for a moment, trying to navigate through the haze of her memory. "Didn't I see you last night?"

Tegan nodded. Laura still had her drunk memory issues.

Laura's throat produced a confident 'mm.' "Yeah, I did see you last night. And your bitch sister told me off."

"Sara's not - " Tegan bit her tongue, realizing how the defense would be interpreted.

There was a pause. "Yeah," Laura said, eying Tegan up and down again, her eyebrows raised and nose turned upward. "I remember _that_, too."

Tegan sighed in frustration. "Come on. You know that's a bunch of bull. A dumb rumor." Tegan felt her own words were a rumor. The lie hurt. Her stomach twisted in knots.

"I don't know," Laura sang, her tone slightly higher than usual. "You two have been pretty clingy lately."

Tegan's worst fear presented itself as reality. Someone had taken note of their affection. Her stomach twisted further, but she tried to play it cool. "That's not even why I'm here!" she deflected.

"Then why are you here?" Laura didn't believe that Tegan missed her. The twins had hated her for months now and neither party was very civil. No one misses a bitch.

Tegan took a deep breath, calming herself and organizing her thoughts, preparing her body for more lies. "When I saw you last night, even though the situation was bad, it reminded me of all the good times we used to have at parties. We were best friends. We did everything together." Tegan laughed to herself at the next part. "I had the biggest crush on you." Tegan had planned on staring at the floor during most of her monologue. No way would she have been able to convincingly say these things to Laura's face. She peeked up at her enemy, making sure she was still following along, then she quickly diverted her eyes again. "I wanted to be with you so badly. And when you and Sara broke up . . . I was happy. I had a chance with you. But I couldn't show that. Sara's my twin. I had to pretend to be mad at you, and stay on Sara's side. I didn't want to upset my sister." She looked up again, looking Laura in the eye and making sure her next point was driven home. "That's why we were so clingy. She was upset, and I had to take care of her. I gave up you and all of my friends for my family, so of course that meant I had to keep my sister happy. Or else it wouldn't have been worth it." The rumor dismissed, Tegan looked back to the carpet. "But it's been so long since I've been social. I realized something. I spent so much time making Sara happy that I neglected to make myself happy. It's not fair. I want my friends back. I want you back."

Laura threw her head back and let out something between a sigh and a scream. She retreated back to her bed. Tegan followed her, stepping into the bedroom she used to know so well. Laura collapsed onto the bed, her face slamming into a pillow with minimum recoil. A magazine that had been on the covers fell to the floor, the paper bending and splaying facedown against the carpet. Tegan picked it up, careful not to damage the pages of _People_. While Tegan was crouched on her knees, Laura screamed into the cushion, its fabric muffling her voice. Tegan rose to her feet slowly, wary. An awkward silence presented itself, and Tegan stood unsure of how or if to comfort Laura. The younger girl lifted her head enough that her voice became audible.

"I'm tired and hungover and - " She turned her head to face the other girl. Seeing Tegan had picked up her magazine, she lashed out, violently grabbing the stapled stack from Tegan's hands. "I can't even read in peace!"

Tegan stood stiff, uncomfortable with Laura's reaction, but glad she wasn't yelling specifically about her. She didn't quite know what to say.

Laura shifted her weight into a sitting position. Her abused pillow rested on her lap. Her whole body sighed. "I am so exhausted."

Tegan remained silent. She could tell Laura was thinking. Tegan had made her think.

"This day is shitty. Every day is shitty." Her eyes widened as she put emphasis on the first word of her last sentence. Her face fell again. "Fighting sucks."

Tegan risked sitting down next to the frustrated girl. Her movements were slow and cautions, and her eyes never left Laura. She prepared to flinch if Laura snapped at her like a ticked off Chihuahua. The girl remained quiet and still, displaying no sign of protest to Tegan's actions. Settled, Tegan was still too scared to let her guard down fully, but she felt confident enough to speak. "It's tiring."

"Things were easy when I didn't have to hate everyone - just the idiots," she assured Tegan. And Tegan was assured - that Laura still wasn't a good person. "But now my best friends hate me, and everyone who claims not to does, too. They're just too nice to admit it." _More like scared,_ Tegan thought. "Everyone misses you. They're upset that I kicked you out of the group."

"They still like you," Tegan tried, her comfort empty.

"Yeah, but they like you, too. I made them pick." Her admission of her shitty behavior felt like victory for Tegan. The twins deserved better than the way they were treated, and everyone knew it. "Things were a lot easier before the fighting."

"Better," Tegan agreed. This time she wasn't sure if she were lying.

"I don't want to feel shitty anymore. I want all my friends back."

Even at this point Tegan could tell that Laura would succumb. Tegan had won, but it didn't feel like winning. A good portion of the student body's shittiness from the past couple months easily shifted itself to Tegan.

Tegan's hand lifted and found Laura's. Skin was placed over skin, and fingers slipped between fingers. "I don't know if you'll win Sara back, but, regardless, you've got me."

It was mid afternoon before Tegan journeyed back home. There was no rushing or stalling, just typical movement. This was a level she'd played before, and the distance between the houses was a gap she knew how to jump. Having certainly noticed her absence by now, the boss would be waiting for her at the end trail, but Tegan wasn't worried. She was ready. She could easily predict her mother's actions, and she knew just how to bypass receiving any severe damage.

The portal that started her adventure may have been a window, but the conflict was almost faced much more directly and unavoidably: through the opening of a door. As she expected, her arrival had been prepared for. Her family was sitting on the couch and rushed to her when they heard the creaking of the door's screen. Her mother got to her first.

"Honey, where were you?" She took Tegan's face in her hands, scrunched her cheeks together, and kissed them as if her daughter were still four feet tall.

"Gosh, Mom, I was just at a friend's." She wiped the kiss from her face like a stubborn, autonomous child as soon as she was released.

You could've told me!" Sonia argued.

"I was only gone for a couple hours," Tegan deflected. "I didn't think it was a big deal. I'm sorry."

Sonia hugged her again. "It's okay, dear. As long as you're okay."

Tegan pulled away, and for the first time she noticed Sara, wide-eyed and halfway resting against the couch. She was standing awkwardly out of the way and Tegan didn't know whether it was because Sonia was hogging her or because Sara was still timid from last night. Tegan knew that Sara had seen her looking at her. Was that enough recognition, though? What amount of acknowledgment was appropriate for their relationship right now?

Much like Sara, Tegan didn't know, so she avoided the matter entirely. However awkward it seemed to all three of them for Tegan to leave the room without reassuring her obviously-troubled sister, that's what Tegan decided to do. She turned her back on her twin and marched upstairs. The situation out of sight.

Quietly, she was followed. The gap between the two bodies closed quickly, but the presence of another being was apparent to Tegan until she was safe in her room. The older twin twisted to close her door, and arms wrapped around her tightly. Her sister's sweet scent surrounded her. She breathed it in as fully as she could, but she did not return the embrace.

"I missed you. I was worried."

As much as Tegan wanted to hug her younger sister, she knew she shouldn't. But she couldn't pry Sara away either. With each heartbeat, she prayed that the embrace would last another. But her heartbeats came rapidly, and it wasn't nearly enough time. She relished in the feel and the smell and the warmth and all of the things that she wanted so badly but knew she would never again possess.


	28. Chapter 28

**This is the worst chapter I have ever written. This was going to be the last chapter of the story, but after reading it again I decided I needed to regain my dignity and write more of it. Also the whole legacy of this story for me is that it goes on forever and never ever fucking stops, so expect a lot more shit to happen, but don't ask me what it's going to be yet because fuck if I know**.

Sara seriously had been worried. Irrationally so. It was obvious even before her intelligence that Tegan had left of her own free will. Kidnapping would be too badly timed for statistics, and it was so far fetched it wasn't a possibility that should have crossed anyone's mind. Invisibility was too scifi for a normal person to consider, and as that option flashed across Sara's mind, she berated herself to think more logically. Tegan was either in the house or out of it. No one had seen her inside. Therefore, she must've been outside. But there was no reason for Tegan to be in the yard. They barely had one. She was farther away and that was plausible. The twins snuck out more than they stayed in. A quick scrutiny of the room allowed Sara to notice an ajared window. She'd solved the mystery of the missing Tegan.

Sara originally hadn't intended to inform her mother of Tegan's absence. Her plan of "Let's not and say we did" sounded good right now. Tegan would come back eventually and her lack of presence would go unnoticed since it wouldn't be fully expected. Sara went downstairs to watch tv with her mother and mentioned nothing of her twin, choosing to hoard the worry for herself. But as luck would have it, Sonia actually wanted something from the older twin.

"Your sister needs to hurry down here. It's her turn to do the dishes," Sonia remarked. Even though they only stayed in this house on weekends, they were still forced to do chores.

Sara assumed the threat was empty, so she didn't respond in an effort to keep it even more harmless. She hoped her mother would shrug it off and forget about it. It wasn't a big deal, but Sonia brought it up again.

The current show ended and Sonia exclaimed, "Is she really still asleep? Maybe I should wake her." She toyed with the idea, biting her lip as she thought about it. It was already mid-afternoon. It was getting late, even for Tegan.

This time Sara was more proactive in her approach. "She'll wake up eventually. Shouldn't be that much longer." She silently cursed Tegan for not getting home sooner. Tegan knew Sonia would panic. Wherever she was, she needed to get back.

A new show started, and it distracted Sonia until the commercial break. But once the advertisements interrupted the story, she returned to the topic of Tegan.

"That girl could sleep forever."

Sara was getting worried. Tegan was typically careful about being sneaky. She didn't like the idea of being caught. Had she really stopped giving that many fucks?

Sonia sighed, fed up. She slapped her knees and pushed herself off the couch. "I'm going to wake her."

"No!" Sara protested, obviously too interested in the subject. She stammered. "If you do that, she'll be cranky all day. I don't want to deal with her attitude."

"Well, I'd like to actually see my children," Sonia argued. Sara had a point, and Tegan may annoy her the rest of the day, but as her mother, Sonia wouldn't receive the full blow of Tegan's shit. A girl is more inclined to watch her tongue around her mother. She knew perfectly well that Sara would be in harm's way, but Sonia was feeling a little selfish. Might as well treat both children equally unfairly, she thought.

There was no stopping Sonia, so all Sara could do was follow her mom on the path upstairs like a duckling following its mother, even across a road they both knew was dangerous.

Sara tried approaching the issue optimistically. Maybe it wasn't taking Tegan long to get home. Maybe she'd snuck back in the same way she had escaped. She could've been back an hour ago and simply refused to come downstairs because of the fight last night for all Sara knew. That was plausible, Sara hoped.

Plausible, but not actual. As Sara feared, her sister's room was still dead empty.

Sonia went wide-eyed. "Where is she?" she accused her younger daughter, certain she must know if only by some imaginary twin instinct.

"I don't know," Sara insisted. One part truth. "She was here when I tried waking her earlier." One part lie.

If one good thing resulted from the freak out that ensued, it was that Sonia left her elder daughter's room so quickly that she hadn't noticed the open window like Sara had. She rushed through the house yelling "Tegan" loudly enough that any Tegan in the residence would surely hear no matter which room they were in. Of course, there was no reply, and this made Sonia more anxious. They stood in the living room with no more rooms to visit and no more corners to search. Sonia panicked internally and tried to suppress any outward expression that could manifest from her nerves, not wanting to scare her youngest daughter, but she failed miserably and her worries projected onto Sara as she feared, adding even more to the teenager's plate. In an ideal world, Sonia would be providing maternal comfort, not receiving reassurance from her distressed daughter, but Sara's hand lay on the small of Sonia's back. Sonia reached for the phone, its coiled cord bounced like a spring as it was removed from its base. Sara didn't know if she were going to call her ex-husband or the police, but regardless, she stopped the call before it started.

"Mom, mom," she reasoned, grabbing the hunk of plastic from Sonia's hand and placing it back in its cradle. "There's no need for that. She probably woke up when I told her to and left without us noticing. I'm sure she's okay."

The words calmed both of them only slightly, but Sonia nodded her head and allowed Sara to walk her to the couch where they sat in front of the tv once more. Even though her stomach was tangled in her throat, Sonia began considering the idea of calming down just enough to keep her sanity. She could trust Sara, right? But her nerves never settled. She heard a sound from the corner of the room and her heat beat even faster. The door! She hurried to confront its opening, and as fate would have it, she was met by the only person she wanted to see.

Sara heard the door, too, but didn't react as quickly as her mother had. Instantly she stood, but after a moment's thought, she froze. She couldn't just talk to Tegan now after spending all night listing the reasons she shouldn't. That didn't mean she'd run away like last night.

She had been scared, then suddenly Tegan was there. Sara watched her sister be swooped into an unwanted hug. Sonia kissed her eldest daughter, and Sara was jealous. She wished she could be so open with her love. She looked down to her toes.

Tegan looked tired, her eyes baggy, and her expression dejected, signs of a restless sleep that also expressed themselves on Sara's features. Her hazel eyes were turned a dark brown with sadness, and Sara could feel her own hazel orbs be bogged down with the color. Her hair was growing out, but it was unwashed and unkempt, the way a young child keeps themselves. The long night had taken a miserable toll on her twin, and Sara felt guilty for finding her still beautiful.

Sara was gifted with a better look at her sister's eyes as Sara lifted her head and the two twins made quick eye contact, but it was a present Sara didn't want. The fraction of a second sent uninvited shivers through Sara's spine, and her body went cold. She wished she hadn't put a baggy white t-shirt on this morning and instead had slipped into something much more warming. But her clothes were soon out of her thought as the miniscule moment made her question much more than her outfit.

The way Tegan had instantly shifted away from her gaze gave Sara the knowledge that Tegan would shift away from her body, too, and, as predicted, Tegan refused to further acknowledge her. She walked away. So did Sara. Her feet left without her, but her mind and body quickly synched, and the limbs continued their path. Her forefront want in front of her, Sara latched on, refusing to let detachment sink in. She squeezed her twin with all her might. Tegan's arms were trapped at her sides, and she gave no sign that she wanted them freed. But neither did she give any indication that she wanted the rest of her body freed. Tegan was letting Sara hug her, and Sara took a brief moment to revel in disbelief before accepting that she was getting away with it and enjoying the moment, a fortunately surreally long moment. It didn't end until Sara's arms went numb and limp, and she couldn't hold them up any longer. They loosened and Sara wanted to cry. They fell and Sara couldn't look anywhere but the ground. She cursed herself for overexerting her strength, and not having more muscle. She still hadn't started karate again.

"I was really worried," Sara said. Her voice broke. Tegan was also looking down, and the crack of Sara's voice made her tilt her chin even farther towards her chest. They shared tears and neither wanted to be seen crying or see the other crying, so they looked at the same Slushie stain on the floor.

Not only had Tegan gone to 7-11 without Sara, she broke their honor code. Slushies came in pairs, and if two couldn't be purchased, then one wasn't bought. This had been the system for years, yet for some reason Sara came home one day to find Tegan slurping out of a large, blue plastic cup through a thick, bright red straw. Sara got excited, but her joy was short-lived. She searched the entire room with her gaze, but no matter where her eyes fell, she couldn't find a twin to the chilled drink Tegan was holding. Her sister paid her no mind, and Sara wasn't sure if Tegan had even heard her come in. Her twin's attention was held by the television, and the only way Sara could snap her out of her hypnosis was by standing in front of the screen and glaring at her.

"Where's mine?" Sara pointed.

Tegan looked down at her drink. "Oh . . ." She lowered it between her thighs. "Um . . ."

Sara's mouth fell. "Tegan, you didn't . . ."

"Yeah," she admitted. "I didn't." There was a pause throughout which Sara's body language screamed anger. "Sorry?" Tegan tried, but it didn't work.

Sara stepped toward her, and Tegan used her hibernating karate skills to fling her weight across the back of the couch, her Slushie staying upright and in her hand throughout the motion. She dashed to the stairs, and Sara rushed after her, using the springiness of the cushions to jump over the couch even quicker than Tegan had. Seeing her sister turn into Cat Woman made Tegan run even faster up the steps like she were a scurrying mouse, but tiny Cat Sara took two stairs at a time. The prowl continued in the hallway with Tegan running for her life and Sara knowing she was more physically made for the chase. Tegan didn't make it to her room in time to lock the door, and Sara pounced at her. The two tumbled like kittens, and their play was fierce. Following their feline instincts, they paused as they felt something wet.

"You made me spill it!"

"Good!" Sara yelled. "If I can't have it, then you can't either. At least that's _fair_!"

Tegan growled at Sara's puerile mindset, even though she probably would have done the same thing in Sara's situation. They did have an agreement after all.

"You didn't even offer me any!" Sara said, still upset.

"Why would I? You attacked me!" Tegan defended herself.

Not caring that their clothes were getting damp and sticky the longer they continued laying in the spot, Sara pinned Tegan to the ground. "Let. Me. Taste."

Tegan was short on breath and struggling against Sara's strength. "It's on the fucking floor! What are you going to do? Lick the carpet?"

Sara stared intently at her sister, beyond pissed. Her eyes were angry and bright, and Tegan felt both scared and drawn to them. Sara's gaze became more intense as she spoke. "Yes."

Lips crashed into lips and the rest of the evening was a blurry, angry wrestling match of cloth removal, skin contact, and liquids much sweeter than the drink that caused the argument.

If this situation was as bad as that one had been, Sara would be happier. But she knew this was worse. There would be no fuck and make up.

"I'm sorry I worried you," Tegan said honestly. She pulled away from Sara's hug finally to soak up the tears streaming from her face with the tips of her fingers and to run her thumb across her dripping nostrils. She did not look at Sara as she tried to clean up her appearance. She was too embarrassed, too heartbroken.

"When did you leave?" Sara asked, wondering if her sister had even been present the night before when Sara fought her inner war with Tegan's door and chickened out of her curiosity. Had she been alone the whole time? Were her fears unnecessary? Had she been wrong about sensing her twin?

"Early this morning."

Tegan had been there. Sara needed to assure herself that she had been justified, And she got that justification. Tegan didn't see her nod. She was still tousseling the strands of the carpet with her bare toes. While the knowledge of Tegan's location had tortured her last night, it provided her comfort today. Even though it was Sara's issue, in a way they had been through it together, just like how they did everything with any significance together. Sara lifted her head. She felt a connection to her other half, the kind of bond that twins talked about but that the Quins themselves rarely felt. It gave her a rush of confidence. Tegan didn't understand why, but she felt she should look up, too. Circuits connected their brains and electricity their eyes. They would get through this together, too.

"I really missed you." The admission slipped through Sara's filter. "Mom did, too," she tried to save.

"I missed you too, Sara." Tegan's voice was soft and honest. Her breath was scented with sincerity, and Sara could feel the warmth from her sister's mouth and heart hit her face. Sara loved the way Tegan said her name. She loved Tegan's voice and how gentle she could sound when they spoke intimately. Sara's name rose and fell so sweetly from her mouth that it was nearly impossible for Sara not to place herself at those lips every time her name was uttered. Tegan was such a faithful preacher. When she prayed Sara's name, sara wanted to descend from the heavens and grant Tegan her wish. Those lips still plumped with that love and coated her name with all the sugar in the world. Nothing had really changed even though everything had.

"Even after what happened last night?" Sara could hear every confirmation she needed to in Tegan's gone, but she want hear it in the content of the sweet syllables of her voice as well. Last night's yelling was still fresh in her mind, and she craved hearing more soft words. She never wanted to forget want Tegan's calm voice sounded like.

"Yes." Especially after last night, Tegan thought. She missed Sara more than ever now that she knew she was never going to have her again. "I'm sorry about last night. None of what happened was your fault. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I should never have been mad at you."

"You're apologizing a lot," Sara said. She wanted to clear the air, and she never wanted to mention last night again. She wanted everything off their shoulders, and she wanted to pretend it was never there in the first place. She wanted to avoid everything except the physical fact that Tegan was in the same room as her.

"I'm sorry I'm not done yet." Tegan grabbed her sister's hand and led them both as slowly as possible to her bed. They sat on the mattress, covered only by a thin, wrinkled sheet Tegan hadn't washed on she didn't know how long. Not one of their twenty toes ever left the carpet. Tegan peeled her hand from Sara's, but the sticky warmth was still present even after they were separate. She began reaching that same arm around Sara's body to hug her close to her side while they talked, but she stopped herself mid way and planted the hand on the cool sheet instead, propping herself upon it, losing any romantic suspension and extinguishing the warmth her palm had felt.

Sara's stomach sank. She didn't want to have to sit down to discuss any of this. Tegan's body was a mere inch or two closer to her than it had been when they were standing, and Sara wanted to reach over and grip Tegan's thigh for support. Instead, her hand stayed in her lap and picked at the skin peeling from her thumbs. "Where were you?" she finally asked. Her jaw clenched shut. If Tegan thought she needed bracing, then she would brace herself. A lump lodged in her throat. "Out," was Tegan's immediate response, what she always told Sara when she didn't want Sara to know where she was. She had said it again without thinking. "Fixing things," she added, realizing she shouldn't act the same way she always did this time. She wanted Sara to have all of her attention.

Sara had an image of a still angry, sleep-deprived Tegan tracking down Dylan and Josh's houses, murdering them in their sleep, and dumping their bodies in the woods or the river where she could wash her hands afterward. But Sara's hands had been in Tegan's, and they were soft and smooth, not swampy and pruned. There was no blood in the ridges of her finger nails and no dirt beneath them. She smelled of the city, not of the water, and Sara could also sniff out hints of a perfume that she knew she recognized. She figured she was imagining it. Maybe it was lotion and Tegan really had take the liberty to thoroughly eradicate all traces of murder evidence from her self. Her eyebrows creased as the mental film rolled in her mind and the shock and confusion set it. "What does that mean?"

Tegan sighed deeply and admitted in a rush at the end of her breath, "I was at Laura's house." Her lungs felt collapsed. She had no oxygen, no hope, just weight and despair centered entirely on her chest.

Sara's heart jumped. Her voice came out in a squeak and her jaw fell at the end of her sentence. "You killed Laura?"

Tegan's spine straightened slightly, and she sat up more erect, less dejected and surprised. "What?"

"Oh . . ." Sara clasped her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Nothing. Sorry."

Tegan's eyebrows raised. She didn't know how to proceed after the outrageous interruption. Her mouth was open slightly and a whimper of disbelief escaped involuntarily. The corners of her mouth twitched.

"Sorry," Sara repeated, shaking her head as if trying to abandon her line of thought. Her lisp heavily bogged down her accent and the lump in her throat clogged her voice pipes.

"I didn't," Tegan stammered. "Why would . . . "

Tegan gave Sara a look that the young interpreted as 'you're crazy.' Sara had ruined the only sweet moment they'd had over the last twenty-four hours and she shouted unintentionally, more angry and upset with herself than Tegan. "It was stupid! I'm sorry!" She turned away, embarrassed. She couldn't look at Tegan again, didn't deserve to. From the wall, Bruce Springsteen looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry," she repeated a final time, h voice back to its deathly quiet tone.

Tegan watched Sara get frustrated and turn away. The frown on her sister's face was enough to grieve her heart more than anything else. She shifted her gaze in return. Bruce also met her eyes and welcomed them to a world of flooding tears. Her lashes were heavy with saline and solutions. Laura wasn't dead; she was very much alive.

Sara's heart, rib cage, and every organ in her body sank into her lap and she seemed to do to thing but exhale. If there was any inhale of breath it was brief and unnoticeable, and Tegan guessed her sister would soon be on the verge of an asthma attack. Sara's body continued to fall, and her brain continued to lose every feeling of anger and embarrassment she felt until it was clear of pollution and able to function again. The blessing of blissful ignorance cursed her. As she forgot herself, she learned everything. The truth hit her. Laura's house. Laura. That was it. The thought inflated her lungs too quickly, and instantaneously she was hyperventilating. No nerve in her screamed the word "help." No thought inside of her head contained eye words "inhaler" or "puffer." Every piece of her being focused on one word, and it flew from her mouth like an impenetrable, interminable swarm. "No, no, no, no."

The tears in Tegan tumbled. Both of their heads turned again and clouded eyes met lost ones. Sara's word was uttered one final, indignant time. "No." Their stares were permanently locked.

Tegan's head gave one, minuscule nod, down then up. "Yes." The whisper advanced forward like death, and Sara fell again. Her forehead met Tegan's thigh, and her chest heaved. Tegan's hand lifted and trembled its entire transfer from sheet to hair. Her fingers laced into the soft, brown locks and relaxed. Sara suffocated in her lap.


	29. Chapter 29

The house was on lockdown. After Tegan's disappearance Sonia kept a restless mind on both of her daughters, checking the front and back doors to the house obsessively often, making sure her children were safe and sound upstairs and determined to catch them if either one attempted to leave the house again. She finished the dishes Tegan was supposed to wash to preoccupy her anxious hands, and when all the china was damp and sparkling she loaded the laundry hamper into the washing machine and listened to the rhythmic, mechanical clunk of buttons hitting the walls of the tumbler.

The twins could hear the machine running below them, Tegan more so than her younger sister whose ears and head were still buried in her lap. The whir turned to white noise after a while, and Tegan could feel the tears on her thighs stain her jeans. The water from Tegan's own eyes did the same to the back of Sara's t-shirt as her sister folded herself over her lap and depended on Tegan to keep her face from falling to the mattress. There was a point where Sara's crying and sobbing became enough for both of them. Tegan's eyes dried up and her hiccups went quiet. Tegan's hand was still threaded between Sara's locks, and her thumb grazed across the soft skin at the back of Sara's neck, attempting to soothe her until Tegan couldn't take her sister's suffering anymore.

"Come on, Sar." Tegan firmed her hand against her sister's back and lifted her with the other, bringing Sara back to a sitting position. Sara leaned to the side, unable to carry her full weight, and rested her head on her sister's shoulder. Tegan allowed it wrapping her arm around Sara's back and considered the position progress. With a comforting hand she gripped Sara's shoulder and ran her palm up and down the length of Sara's arm. "Don't worry, ok? Everything will be fine."

"Fine?" Sara sniffed through tears. She knew her face looked as messed upas she felt and she self-consciously ran a thumb across her nose to catch any traces of dripping snot. "You're back with Laura already. How does that make us fine?"

Tegan sighed, just as hurt as her sister but unable to show it. "I'm just thinking about the future, Sar."

"She's your future?" Sara cried out, another sob bubbling from her like the frustration in her gut. "No, no," Tegan assured, shaking her head. The hairs growing on the back of her neck brushed Sara's forehead. "You know how Laura is. You know I can't really like her. We both know she's not going to be in the future."

"Then what is this future you're planning for?" Sara's words were harsher than she wanted, and part of her wanted to relax and not scare Tegan away. The other part hated Laura and had instantly grown bitter like fermented grapes.

Tegan sighed again on her own level of frustration. "I'm doing this for us, Sara."

"So we're okay?" Sara asked, visions of Tegan storming away from her on the street last night still too fresh in her mind for comfort.

Tegan hesitated, and Sara could hear the temporary halt in her breathing as she swallowed the lump in her throat. Sara lifted her head and twisted her body to face Tegan. One of her legs crossed itself on the sheets. The other hung limply across the edge of the mattress as if she were riding side saddle. "Why aren't you answering?" She asked, trying to find her sister's eyes, but Tegan had dropped her head.

With a shaky voice Tegan responded, but not with the answer Sara wanted. "Wh- What do you mean by 'we?'"

Sara's eyes widened and her throat tightened, unsure of how to respond. She placed her left hand beneath Tegan's chin and lifted Tegan's head so she was facing her. Hazel eyes lined with panic met ones lined with sadness. An instinct Sara could only describe as survival kicked in and she smashed their mouths together desperately. The kiss was salty and initially Sara blamed her own tears, but moments later she felt the warm drip of saline leak into the crevices of their lips and instantly she wanted to kiss away all of Tegan's tears. Tegan kissed back, too weak not to, with the same force, and in those moments their lips were connected, there was nothing gentle about it. The pressure and frustration builded in Sara and without thinking of what she was doing, Sara licked Tegan's lips, asking for entrance, but paused suddenly as she tasted those tears again, directly on her taste buds this time. She slowed her kissing and stopped trying to force her way into her sister's mouth. Gently, slowly, she ran her tongue along Tegan's bottom lip, then her top, collecting her tears. Pulling away from Tegan, Sara could see the wet trails beneath Tegan's eyes, and she leaned back in, deciding to kiss those too. Tegan thumbed the remaining liquid from beneath her lids, upset that Sara's lips were no longer on hers but thankful things had stopped where they had.

"There's no more We is there?" Tegan had never heard Sara so dejected and it broke her heart all over again.

Tegan shook her head. "We will be okay," she said, "But . . . We, Us, This," she pointed between them. "It can't. It can't go on, Sar. Not if we want to be okay for the rest of our lives."

Sara knew she was desperate, but she was at rock bottom and she didn't care again. Her lips meshed with Tegan's another time, this time more forcefully. They toppled back onto the bed and Sara's body lay on top of her sister's. Everything inside of her was on fire. The warmth at her lips spread throughout her body and settled at her core. She wondered if Tegan could feel her burning. The kissing didn't stop, and Sara took that as a sign that she could go further. Her tongue found its way into Tegan's mouth, this time unhindered by tears, and the tongue of her twin was sweeter than she ever remembered it. She kissed as deeply into Tegan's mouth as she could, boring into her sister's very being until her lungs gave out. Asthmatically, she panted, hovered over Tegan's body. The older twin licked her lips, tasting the left overs of Sara and doubting her self-control. With every second another of her walls fell.

As she regained her breath, Sara studied the nuances of her sister's face, and she could see the inhibitions falling in the moment. "One last time," Sara panted. "Please." She would let Tegan see her desperation, she would beg, and she would expose her soul and her skin to Tegan. She needed this, and she didn't care that she was vulnerable.

She couldn't deny Sara one final time. At least that's what she told herself. She knew what she would let herself do was just as much for her own peace of mind as Sara's, so she nodded and lifted the upper half of her torso to meet Sara's lips in mid air with her own.

Tegan took control of the kiss, sliding her arm up Sara's back again and gingerly flipping her over, resting her against the sheets. The nerves knotted in Sara's stomach at the role reversal. With all the authority in Tegan's power, she was afraid her sister would stop or leave, but Tegan's lips continued to melt across her own and the older twin's hands found their way to the younger's hips. Sara moaned as Tegan's thumbs rubbed softly across the sliver of skin exposed from the hem of her shirt, and she relaxed as she realized her twin wasn't going to back out.

Tegan tore their lips away. Her bum rested on the ruffled sheets, and it gave her a better view of her sister, splayed flush on the mattress below her. Tegan looked her up and down from her red cheeks to her twitching, impatient toes, and her eyes locked on that bit of skin peeking out on her abdomen. Unable to resist, she leaned forward and ran her tongue across the perfect, milky skin, and Sara let out an even louder groan than before. One of Sara's hands lifted her shirt until the bottom edges of the cups of her bra were revealed, and the other hand found its way to Tegan's hair, encouraging her sister to further explore. Tegan's mouth kissed all along Sara's navel, covering every inch of her skin from hip to hip. Her tongue dipped into Sara's belly button and the grip on her locks tightened. From there slowly, achingly, her tongue left a wet trail upwards to the underwire of Sara's bra. She sunk her teeth into the material and raised her eyes to meet Sara's who instantly got the message. In no time she sat to pull her t-shirt over her head. At the same time, Tegan cradled her back, her hands working the clasp there expertly. Her tongue swirled around the cleavage of Sara's breasts as the bra was removed and discarded from Sara's shoulders to the edge of the bed. As quickly as she had risen, Sara's naked spine was back against the sheets. They were warmer now than she remembered, but maybe Tegan's touch had just set her skin aflame.

Tegan's moans matched Sara's as she took one of the younger twin's nipples into her mouth. The vibrations in her sensitive bud made Sara shut her eyes in ecstasy and let out another moan of approval. The sounds coming from Sara's lips made Tegan groan as she latched onto the other nipple and felt heat pool her jeans. Sara's top half was naked below her and suddenly all of the clothes still on Tegan's body seemed unfair, and she took that moment to free herself from the material suffocating her hot skin. Sara watched her twin's body come into view. She was beautiful. A tear appeared at the corner of Sara's eye as she remembered this was the last time she would ever see Tegan so exposed. Before now this was a part of Tegan only Sara got to experience. It killed her to think even she was no longer allowed access.

Tegan saw the dampness of Sara's eyes and didn't hesitate to cup her sister's check and wipe away the conglomeration of tears from her bottom lashes. She kissed her again, sweetly, and let their noses touch. They lingered there, their faces close together, until Tegan felt Sara was comfortable enough to proceed. Tegan lowered her body. The delicate skin of their breasts made contact and Sara gasped. There were no more tears in her eyes.

Tegan began kissing again down Tegan's body. Lips met jaw, then neck, collarbone, the crevice between two small breasts, and stomach again until Tegan's mouth made contact with fabric around Sara's waist. Tegan had removed her bottoms as well as her top, and it was time for her to make them more equal again. In one fluid motion, the button of Sara's jeans was unhooked and the slit of her fly was separated. She would have removed Sara's pants and underwear all at once, but with her thigh so close to Sara's core she had felt her sister's heat trying to escape and singe her. The pants came off, but the panties stayed on - at least for the moments As Tegan predicted, Sara was visibly wet, and the sight gave her all the indication that she needed of how much her sister wanted her. This last time, she would be sure to give Sara exactly what she wanted.

Teasing, Tegan touched the damp fabric of Sara's panties and reveled in the stickiness left behind on her digits. Sara squirmed as she felt Tegan so unsatisfyingly close to where she needed her, but she stopped herself from complaining. She held on as long as she could, taking the teasing sensations of Tegan's fingers tracing up and down her slit and trying to enjoy the moment. She wanted this to last forever, but as Tegan made indirect contact with her clit, the begging started without her consent. "Please," she whimpered. "Tee, please." Her voice was coated with lust, but the undertones of heartbreak were both foreign to Tegan's ears and too obvious to ignore. Leaving Sara with one final kiss to the lips, Tegan descended her body with every intention to continue kissing her lips. Knowing it would set Sara off even more, Tegan kissed atop her clit through the cotton material one last time before hooking her index fingers in the waist band and sliding them down her hips.

Seeing Sara's pussy made Tegan's eyes wider than any drug ever could. She knew she was identical in that biological aspect, but the sex on Sara's body was far more beautiful and appealing in her opinion. Looking at herself in the mirror never excited her the way the dip of the V in Sara's lap did, and she would miss being able to look at her twin's body and note the differences in their similarity. She hoped she never forgot what Sara looked like naked. She would do all of the engraving into her memory today if she had to.

Watching Tegan watch her turned Sara on, but she was already past the point of initial arousal and she was quickly reaching the point of need. The lust in Tegan's eyes was too intense for her not to be doing anything about it, and Sara pleaded for the thing they both wanted. "Touch me, Tegan."

Sara's cunt came closer into view as Tegan descended, reaching for Sara's most intimate places with her mouth. The moment Sara's sweet flavors activated her taste buds she regretted her decision to push Sara away. She started to ask herself how she was supposed to resist the temptation when she knew what wonders were constantly there in front of her. Her mind preoccupied itself with the task at hand, and the worries were transported to the back of her minds for the time being. Now, she wanted to focus on pleasing Sara. It was her volunteer duty to circle Sara's clit with her tongue until the small, erect bud spasmed and Sara's core dripped and leaked onto her welcoming taste buds. She wanted to hear her sister moan her name in ecstasy and grind her crotch furiously against her mouth until her thighs would be bruised the next day. Instead, Sara shifted awkwardly beneath her and her name came out as a shaky question. "Tegan?"

Immediately Tegan stopped, though it was the last thing she wanted. She tore her eyes away from her meal and looked up at Sara with worried, questioning eyes. "What's wrong?"

"I want to see you." No matter how much of the moisture in her body went to her nether regions, she couldn't drive away the omnipresent tears threatening to burst through the ducts of her eyes. She had that glossy look to her hazel orbs, and Tegan knew if her request wasn't fulfilled she wouldn't be able to stop herself from crying. Suddenly, not being able to go down on Sara wasn't the worst thing in the world; watching her sister cry was. Tegan understood what Sara wanted, and she slid her way up Sara's body the same way she had slid down it, planting kisses on every patch of skin she could find. Their noses met again and their mouths connected in a kiss so sweet Sara's tangy juices on Tegan's tongue were almost overpowered. Tegan kept her eyes open during the kiss, and when Sara opened her own after it was over their gazes connected them as intensely as the embrace had. Her eyes never leaving Sara's, Tegan's hand found its way to the apex of her sister's legs. She stroked the soft expanse of her thighs and the fuzzy, velvet-like skin of her vulva before dipping into the wetness with two digits and burying them inside of her sister's core. Sara gasped in the best way possible as Tegan's fingers swam inside of her, exploring every inch of the pool, diving to its depths and treading at the shallow entrance. She did not test the waters, but rather navigated them like she had all of the necessary maps and compasses. Those materials meant nothing to her now, though. She was taking Sara on her journey through pleasure solely with experience on her side.

"Look at me as you cum," Tegan instructed. Sara's eyelids were heavy and she was struggling to keep her head in place, compelled by the urge to throw it back and let the waves rip through her. She had stopped blinking some time ago, too focused on Tegan's movements, and too afraid she wouldn't be able to open her eyes again if she shut them. With every strand inside of her tearing lose, Tegan's eyes were the only thing keeping her above water. The pressure built and built, and eventually Sara lost the fight. The waves pulled her under.

Sara couldn't remember the last time euphoria like this had taken her over. She'd had me of the,most intense orgasms of her life, but as soon as the high came down, an equally as intense sadness tainted her mood. It was already over. The desperation came back, and she lifted a shaky hand to Tegan's center, finding it even wetter than her own. Tegan grabbed her sister's hand and shook her head. It was then a sara noticed the twitching of Tegan's muscles, struggling to keep her suspended over the mattress, and the raggedness of Tegan's breaths. They had come together. Sara removed her hand in defeat.

"I love you, Sara," Tegan whispered into her ear, collapsing on the mattress next to her and sighing at the instant relief in her muscles. It occurred to Sara that the reason Tegan had taken charge of the exchange was not only to let Sara know she loved her. She had wanted to be in control. Tegan came without her touch to say that her decision was final and Sara had no power to change it and no choice not to follow it. Silently she cried and flipped to her side, gripping Tegan's shoulder blades with her nails and leaving crescent indents. They cuddled in hug formation for hours, and neither objected to the embrace.

It wasn't until the next morning that they separated. Tegan's shoulder stung, and there was blood beneath Sara's nails, but neither mentioned the wounds. Their day started with a kiss ands a proper, less painful hug. Tegan stretched in bed, yawning and lifting her arms above her head. Sara clung to her twin's naked side, knowing today would end differently than the last and scared of the moment the mood would shift. Tegan felt Sara latch onto her more tightly than normal and she saw pure fear in her eyes. Tegan's heart broke and to make herself feel less guilty and to give Sara some form of comfort, she kissed her twin again.

"Why don't you go downstairs and get us coffee?" Tegan's question was more of a firm suggestion, and Sara tensed at the thought of leaving her twin's side, but couldn't say no to anything Tegan wanted lest she get upset with her. "Let mom know we're here," Tegan added, chuckling, but the comment did nothing to lighten the mood.

Sara rose out of bed and quickly covered herself in her robe. She would make the trip quick and return to a morning in bed with Tegan, she told herself. Her eyes lingered on the body of the naked woman laying in her bed, smiling at her as she left the room. Sara rushed through the motions of brewing the coffee and pouring the cups. The quality of the drink suffered in response, but she would bear the bitter taste if she got to experience it crossed-legged and nude on the bed with Tegan. Sara expected her sister to be right where she had left her, but Tegan was kneeling on the floor in front of her duffle bag, already dressed in yesterday's clothes.

"What are you doing?" Sara asked panic.

"I have to move back to Dad's on weekends. We can't stay in the same place, Sar." Her eyes dripped with tears, and she would not lift them to let Sara see her pain.

"W-Why not?" Sara asked, trying to hide the constriction of her lungs. Her knuckles turned white around the handles of the coffee mugs.

Tegan rose, her head tilted towards the ground to prevent Sara from seeing her. She walked towards her sister and untangled the knot at her waist. The robe split open like the first tear in wrapping paper, and Tegan's hand wedged between the two halves of the cloth draping Sara's symmetrical body. She opened her present further, exposing Sara's chest, breasts, and belly and legs. Her hand lingered on Sara's stomach and pressed flat against the warm skin. Tegan's touch was cold. It gave Sara goosebumps and excited every nerve in her body. Tegan gave her reasoning. "Temptation."


	30. Chapter 30

Not that long ago, Sonia thought she was getting somewhere with her twins. She had been close to them with they were young, but hormones and puberty had interfered when the girls turned into teenagers. They had developed hobbies, joined social circles, and cared more about discovering themselves than spending time with their mother. They three had drifted apart, and Sonia had let it happen, busy with work and her own personal adult matters. The teenage situations her daughters were experiencing didn't seem as relevant or important to her as Tegan and Sara's initial raising, upbringing, and survival.

When Tegan first moved out of Sonia's house and into Stephen's apartment, Sonia began realizing the errors of her ways. When Sara moved out as well, Sonia realized just how neglectful she'd truly been to her daughters over the last couple of years. From then on, she was bent on righting her wrongs, and she was sure she had been making progress towards understanding and reconnecting with her girls again. She was supporting their musical ambitions, driving them to gigs and refraining from telling them to paly quieter when they practiced in their rooms, she'd significantly lightened up on the girls' chores and responsibilities around the house now that they didn't spend most of their time there, and she'd even allowed them the liberty to live where they wanted, even if that place was their father's. She thought her twins were beginning to adjust to their new lives, and she thought her own place in the girls' worlds had been reestablished. Yet here was Tegan in her living room with another suitcase preparing to move all priorities in their lives again.

"Tegan, what's in the suitcase?"

A vein in Tegan's forearm bulged as she hoisted her suitcase further up her side into her armpit. She was gripping the handle with a firmness that told Sonia whatever decision she'd made this time was final. "I'm moving back home, Mom. I want to live with you again."

Joy surged in Sonia's chest, but it was a selfish pleasure, and she quickly surprised it. On the surface, the statement was a good one. Sonia liked having her girls at home, and she felt she could watch over them better than her contractor ex-husband could, but underneath the happiness she felt, the therapist in her knew Tegan didn't want to move back home because she missed rules or chores of the love of her mommy. Tegan's desire to move back home was no doubt more complicated than that, and some type of inner confusion was the reason for it all. Her oldest daughter was struggling to know exactly what it was she wanted from life, and Sonia couldn't be truly happy knowing her child obviously wasn't. So she approached Tegan with open apprehension instead of open arms.

"That's great, sweetie, but why does it look more like you're going to your father's?" If Tegan was moving back home, she needed only to stay here, Sonia thought. She was already in the house. She was already moved into her rom for the weekend. Why the suitcase?

"It's Sunday, Mom. If I'm going to live here during the weeks, it means I should be at Dad's on the weekends. Today's part of the weekend. I need the suitcase to pack up some stuff from Dad's so I can bring it back here tomorrow."

It was an explanation that made Sonia relax her shoulders and understand the meaning behind the leather case in Tegan's grip. But now that she knew Tegan was going to be home (and she wasn't going to contest Tegan's decision to move home), her maternal instinct wanted to hog her daughter and keep her away from her father. At least for the day. What was the point in Tegan going to Stephen's for just one night? "We can get your stuff tomorrow, sweetie," she compromised. "Why don't you just stay here tonight since you're already here?"

"No," Tegan said quickly. Sonia's daughter tightened her fist around the suitcase's handle even further, turning her knuckles a disturbing shade of snow white and reminding Sonia how adamant Tegan was in her assertion. The elder twin knew what she wanted, and no one was going to throw a wrench in her stubborn plans. "I have to go to Dad's today so I can tell him I'm moving back in with you. And if I stay here tonight I'll be here a whole week. I don't want to have to wait that long to see Dad again."

Of course Tegan's real reason for wanting to spend the night at her father's apartment was that she couldn't bear to spend another night here where Sara would be all day. While they had separate rooms, they were bound to run into each other at some point, and it would just be too awkward. They had already said goodbye. They'd made love for the last time, and Tegan was ready to force herself to move on. She couldn't do that if Sara was always so close to her, only a room away in the same house.

Sonia, of course, did not pick up on this fact, and her obliviousness allowed her to think Tegan simply didn't want to cut the close bond she'd formed with her father recently so soon. She could accept that fact, and she knew it would do no good to argue with Tegan. Tegan was going to her father's today, and that was as set in stone as Excalibur. "Okay, honey," Sonia agreed. "Do you need me to drive you there?"

Tegan nodded, and Sonia turned to grab her keys. She collected the wad of jingling metal quickly, knowing if they didn't set out soon a voice was going to start whispering in her ear that she should stall to keep her daughter in her company as long as she possibly could. At that point, it would be much harder to let Tegan go at all. It was better to get the trip over with, rip it off her schedule quickly like a band aid so that she couldn't avoid doing it.

If Sonia hadn't needed to grab her coat from the closet, she never would have seen her youngest daughter eavesdropping on their conversation from the mouth of the hallway. Seeing Sara there startled Sonia in a way that she didn't expect. The first time Tegan had suggested changing their permanent living arrangement, Sonia had been very aware of how Tegan's moving would affect Sara. How the sisters were supposed to operate without one another had been one of the first questions she'd asked, and this time she had asked no questions. She'd practically forgotten she had a second daughter. She was so concerned about Tegan's individual needs, that she'd forgotten Tegan wasn't quite an individual.

"Sara," Sonia called softly with a smile on her face, just to further remind herself that she had another daughter she loved and cared for just as much as her first. "Are you going to live with me too, dear?" The very first move had separated the twins for the first time in their lives, but the distance hadn't lasted long, and the two quickly returned to each other like the ends of a rubber band after being stretched thin. Now that the twins knew they didn't want to live apart, Sonia assumed they were travelling together and that a spot in the backseat of her car would be filled in a few minutes along with the passenger seat. But she was wrong.

"No, Mom, Sara's living with Dad and staying with you this weekend," Tegan answered for her sister, and this was Sonia's second surprise within the minute. Her younger daughter was almost always capable of answering for herself, and Tegan only stepped in her twin's shoes to play big sister or conspiracy instigator. Sonia had a bad feeling she knew which role she was playing this time. After all, Tegan's first decision to move out had been when she wasn't getting along with Sara.

"Is that true, Sara?" Sonia asked, just to confirm what Tegan had already stated for her.

Sara nodded meekly, eyes on the carpet for the entire duration of the short, small motion, and it spawned concern in Sonia's gut.

"Is something wrong?" she asked to no one in particular. "Are you two fighting again? Is that why you want to move? If so, we can find alternatives to help, and –"

"That's not why I'm moving, Mom," Tegan spoke up. "We're not fighting. We're fine. We just can't be around each other all the time anymore. In a couple years we'll be done with school and have to live separate lives, and we have to learn how to not be attached at the hip anymore. Right, Sare?"

Sara's answer was the same as before, and Sonia was tired of seeing the origin of Sara's hair at the top of her scalp as she bent her head downward to nod once more at the carpet. But Sonia didn't say anything, didn't force Sara to respond with words. She was sure Sara was simply hurting from their imminent separation as all twins do when the time comes, and only time would ease Sara through the transition. But Sonia had to say that she was proud of both her daughters for realizing their futures' needs for their independence. She was proud of Sara for accepting it, despite not wanting it, and allowing the distance to happen regardless, and she was especially proud of Tegan for speaking up about it so boldly. The eldest daughter's maturity was rearing its head, and Sonia was not disappointed. She was impressed. If this kept up and music didn't work out for the two, Tegan might follow Sonia's path to becoming a therapist with excellent success.

Sonia now had double the amount of reasons to hurry with Tegan's request to go to her father's. Not only was it not fun for Sonia to lose Tegan, it was traumatic to Sara as well. If she couldn't find it in herself to drop Tegan off with her ex-husband for the day because of her own selfish needs, she could no doubt force herself to do it for her youngest daughter who Sonia didn't want to be sad or tortured by the constant presence of her sister when her twin's decision to leave had already been made.

"I'll be back in a bit, Sara," Sonia assured before donning the coat she'd retrieved and snapping its buttons soundly across her chest.

"Alright, Mom." Sonia was relieved to hear her daughter's voice for the first time that morning, but she was even more joyed by the lifting of Sara's head. Her eyes were no longer on the ground but instead fixated on her sister's, and the two shared a poignant look as Sonia traversed across the room to the front door and her shoes. It was a final, wordless goodbye for them, but it wasn't enough for Sara.

Nothing was going to be enough for Sara unless the two of them were under the same roof in the same bed in a relationship with each other. And she'd already had that. They'd been happy together just days ago, and the fact that Sara had already experienced the perfect life made it that much harder to give up on that dream. She just couldn't. She couldn't give up as easily as Tegan had. She would find some way to fight for them and their relationship and she would get her girlfriend back if it was the last thing she did.

But right now Sara didn't have it in her to fight. Fighting would have been defenestrating Tegan's suitcase, telling their mom that they were fighting and that she didn't want Tegan to leave, and stopping Tegan at the front door before she got in the car. But Sara didn't do any of that. She stood in the hallway until the front door closed behind her mother and her sister and then she sulked upstairs, utterly heartbroken.

Flashbacks of the first time Tegan left her, before they were a couple or had even talked about what happened to them that first night they'd had sex, hit Sara as she bypassed her own room to enter her sister's. When Tegan had moved to their father's the first time, Sara had stayed at her mother's and moved from her own room into Tegan's. Every night she slept on Tegan's sheets, missing the smell and feel of her sister all around her, and Sara knew instantly that the same thing was going to happen this time. Every weekend that Sara was at her mother's, she would never step foot in her own room. She'd sleep on Tegan's bed, write her songs on Tegan's bean bag chair, and put on Tegan's clothes to pretend they were her own. It was all Sara was going to get of her sister from now on, and Sara wasn't going to let that opportunity slip away from her too.

She loved Tegan's room, no matter how dark and different it was from her own. It was so very _Tegan _with her posters on the walls and piles of dirty clothes on the floor. It was like being in a world that revolved solely around her sister. When Sara was here, only Tegan existed. Even Sara herself was just a backdrop.

When Sara climbed atop the bed, it didn't smell as much like her sister as it used to. The twins had only slept in this house one night this week, and Tegan had spent a majority of the weekend in Sara's room, fucking her and discussing their future. Sara's bed probably smelled more like Tegan's than Tegan's own bed, but still Sara stayed in her sister's room, and she buried her face against Tegan's pillow. She thought about how prominent Tegan's scent would be against the sheet and the pillow case a week from now when Sara was visiting her mom for the weekend again and Tegan had been sleeping there for five days straight.

But just the thought of Tegan's fragrance and the light hint of it still on the mattress gave Sara hope. She knew she was going to fight, even if she hadn't today. All the inspiration she needed to make Tegan hers again was right on this bed where both of them had slept and both of them would continue sleeping, no matter how separated they were. She would fight for them. She just needed a little rest first.


End file.
